autobiography, beauty, bipolar, blog

Letter to the DA’s Website …

Ive never seen myself on a losing team in life, I would not know what that looks like, to be bullied or to get voices and not know why, if it was something that worried me once and overcame it then good job me, if its something I cannot overcome and its nothing anyone else is going through then good job them, but when things are made to appear as though things are the way they are not, thats not a condition that can be beautified through dating, writing, blog, nomination, or being cordial with exes, if its at the point of others being upset with you mad at you, thats not anyone kicking you on your way out, thats me giving up, and not figuring out what I need to do to stay well, and thats having mental health issues, everything being well, then everything not being well, including everyone in between overlooking your progress, expecting you to snap out of it, or be strong, tough it out, and I dont think my personality fits the roll of anyone who they think or associate to me past, and think that I am becoming something that they have choreographed to mean something Ive done wrong, which was not attend Mezzaluna (I was invited too tired to attend and fell asleep after my dance recital) its by your disclosures, then you get judged whether a child adult based on how much you know at what point: (1) defensive (2) can everyone hear you (3) is your impression being used (4) when you notice (5) do you feel offended and by what when (6) what changes you (7) how you self identify (8) whats important to you (9) do you care if imitated (10) living a quiet life (11) at what point not liked and why whether ever taken personally or notice (12) hyper vigilance toward you (13) apathy toward you (14) your impression (15) the impression of others on you when occurring or by your photo imitated at what point of issue by whos memory and why was that pose picked to discuss a positive or feeling hurt and why by what communications do you see any connection to you if not why were you punished as though you are a bad connection and why are you hurt without any connections in life what is the cause for everyone being positive then people being mean to you, by what information is that allowed in life, there is a blinds company there now, so there will be many confirmations of others telling the story, not thinking that I can handle that much feedback and thats okay to, Ive always done my best to catch up, I dont think I will ever be favored so long as I have self-harmed, thats simply me not knowing what the issue is, and no one can explain or make me feel better past me not feeling well, and thats not what parents or family is for, so if I cant handle driving on the freeway to work without getting a headache, thats because I described the CHPs position “seeing a light in my car,” then being a situation that I could not talk myself out of, having had three drinks, in a neighborhood Ive been to 3 times at most, not a frequent clubber, bar hopper, with no friends, a no social life, I think you are well as what you have to say and by who likes you, but there is no forgiveness past getting sick, then it will have been a waste of my energy being well in public being nice to everyone, and there is no other version of myself that can tolerate all the pain, of anyone thinking its your own fault, for not managing your identity better, or keeping friends, who Im sure were not fans of Twitter, so to always take responsibility for moments when Im stupid or reacting, all stupid moments, are not moments of strength they will become all the reasons that people do not think of you highly, no matter whether you graduate from law school or not, once people are done with you, or see you as a no, thats you not being well enough to work, or have friends, or date, and thats not anything that matters right now, why someone who has it all loses it all, and Im sure thats to get me to relate to who was viewed as the problem to create like circumstances that Im projected to appear to live up to, I think its insulting to become anything in life thinking that that will help you to figure out others, so even if I dont take Sunset home, or get photographed by the police at an intersection where my sisters friend lived, or taken on a drive to someones car parked by her house, thats people sizing me up, to teach me what it means to be a F up, or not have been attracted to them, and if described then becomes my suit in life, or another hand for playing me, as though I subject anyone to rejections in life or lack of improvement, its okay to be adventurous once in life, its not something to be repeated, and if its a secret thats unwanted then thats not you helping, and its also not okay to be described as something to be treated like everyones watching you when theyre not, or when everyone is, to cause everyone to then not like you, I dont think Ive lived enough life, to handle not being spoken to, everyone mad at me, and have lived a good life long enough to not have my parents disappointed in me, or be blamed for anyone else not feeling well, or made to feel the same by diagnosis or title, I understand that it was wrong to become gay, I understand it was wrong to fashion blog, I understand it was wrong to drink alone, I understand that it is wrong to ask for help if you cant figure out your own problems, I understand that so long as I am made sick, then all the charades will be treated with voices in response, and thats to put my light out, so that I dont attract anything good into my life, as though life is lived through osmosis, or need to be taught what sickness or gay is, to be a source of blame for any other voice or gender or health issues faced by anyone, who could have had children, and not subject them to any additional flack or negative feedback that they have stayed well enough through, so not get involved with anything stupid, and not be left happy for everyone who has improved and retained their talents, Im sorry I did not stay well for more than 2 years, Im sorry that I sought credit, Im sorry that I became a member of Brady, Im sorry if it ever gets past the point of me being helped and still not feeling good getting voices, and Im sorry I watched msnbc wrote “psier” instead of “spitzer” and Im sorry I did not stay professional commercial, and Im sorry if I look old now, Im sorry if I look like people like me then treated like they dont like me, or need to be reminded or rejected on the basis of what was made to be about others, not myself, and for everyone who has tried to help, and then viewed me as a lesser human being, Ive never tried to make excuses for anyone, I always knew that I had a special life, I never though that anyone could look at my life, and for my life to no longer be special, to not be able to work, attend aa, have positive conversations on my own under all the imagined or real pressure of not being able to say the right things, sound defensive, or be in any condition not approved of by others, so thats not being empathized with, and that means that Im not helping, and then I am not helped, so I dont know why when I was well punished, or why now sick, I am still getting voices not hospitalized, if its something that wont go away it will not be through writing or dating or talking to anyone in important, that means that again Im losing any arguments imagined, have not said the right things, got treated like I dont care, have a different life now, I told my brother that it is me thats not doing well, and told him exactly how I got in trouble, and if Im hurt its important I notify anyone who does care so that they dont get hurt to or made to communicate to anyone who does not have life figured out, and will always accept the reasons why anyone would complain or point me out, it will always be my responsibility to not get sick and to also understand the causes for sickness, whether it meds or dating and not blame anyone past the point of looking stupid thats not something I can fix in the immediate not by state, or by universe or company names or anything once people are done with you, theyre done with you, and that just means fewer options in life. And thats okay to stay alive and be in pain, its my job to get out of pain, not be weird, and not communicate to anyone who would be made to feel disappointed, including my family. #stopsuicide (Alexa: 14,000) manage my own downs in life in private, everyone will be quicker to judge, maybe not something I need to overcome in public being sad or being insecure not capable, and definitely not for argument or commentary about things to let go of in life like interactions, thats not a good hand in life “losing faith,” Im sorry for everyone mentioned it then became a characteristic that I endured and thats not how you live life becoming people or letting anyone else use your name or money to convince you thats how a connection is made, if it was a good life, not subject anyone to how difficult a bad life is, thats not how to make people feel important or special, time wasted, or convinced on meds that I have done something wrong, and if ever Im sorry, I understand Im not favorited because of what I looked like and thats something that gay cannot explain and only makes things worse, what brings out the happiness and femininity in others, it must be something positive, and Im sorry I sang and if that looks like admission, its important that I stay feminine and be happy for everyone, not misrepresent the issues, or cast light on anything working for others then seem like Im self-sabotaging or not doing well because of anything I dont have in life. (edit: 04-06-21)

Sent by Webform 03-30-21


Please Note: The date this quote was made is not available through my records. This quote is from mymollydoll_ on Instagram, the date this quote was made is available on Instagram if needed.

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