blogging

Just Got Back form the 65th Annual Silverado Days Festival (Buena Park) w/#DASpitzer …

I don’t think that showing up in another town makes you a weirdo, I think not being comfortable with yourself, or around others makes you appear like one, thankfully I am well adjusted by now, and maybe that confidence stands out, in a good way. I think that’s being a positive person, which would not have occurred had I not talked to someone about my problems, or my concerns, and likewise Im sure that he has his people to talk to, and vice versa, not make one anothers concerns or calls to action, or the business of one another to discern, that’s being respectful of one anothers practices in life, that’s not a gift to be able to say the right thing, that means that more often than not, you have something to say helpful, I don’t think that subjecting one another to harm, by negative interpretation of what it means for me to talk and get help, is of issue, not unless he is doing his best to be helpful, and I for any reason am not well, or have fallen ill, that’s a medical issue, not a social issue, when it comes to acceptances of you, I think we have all been through a lot, so don’t get me wrong, that when I show up somewhere its to support someone, maybe with “love,” the subject most people don’t understand, but definitely with care, no dirty looks or stares, and no intimidation by any police present, and no commentary that was not officially made with care “enough,” in the booth next door, I think that when you offer to appear in a place where you don’t know anyone, that takes courage, that’s not the uncomfortable part, its recognizing whats private to the health of someone you care about which is not for proving or disproving your worth as a human being, what you have in life, love to feel safe, or trust to feel good, and that is not solely to be provided by someone who is in a trusted position, who has the power to keep others safe, not just me but ALL of Orange County, and that is a fact about him that I admire, and understand that he takes seriously his work, so hes not wasting his time, when comes to sharing my own experiences working in a town in public running everyday, and getting to know people in observance of everyones health before COVID, during COVID, and after COVID, it’s a serious time, so while any humor is added, its actually to shine light on real experiences, and Im sure that anyone who is made to know me intimately, in an uncomfortable way, does not want to be found in support of someone who is not favored, or not popular, or well liked, that defeats the purpose of being supportive of others, which doesn’t need to occur in defense, or with a knowing of issues, or what things are about, that much I think is misunderstood by me, its not fun to live life, and be followed with excitement, over whats happening in life, and anyone trying to coordinate their understanding of life, and try to match it up to your story, to me that’s not why bad things occur, for me bad things occur for me in life, when I am removed from whats at stake, a relationship, or a purpose, or a focus, and distracted from what needs to get done, out of place, in an unfamiliar town, taking a risk, which can occur in any conversation, in any interaction, and this is probably why I don’t drink anymore, for the simple fact that one day you wont be at ease around people, and maybe that is a mental health issue later on in life, so being comfortable around all people, and happy to be somewhere privileged, by someone I am fanning, means that I care, not to coordinate my story with events on his soil, to explain my life, or the life and meaning of the lives of others, and how they should interpret life, and events, which would be wrong to give meaning to incidences and declare occurrences as the fault of people who do share their stories online, that’s not what social media is for, its for living life, and recording your life as lived, that not trying to make a story with your story or try to connect it to someones story, to blame my story as the cause for an incident in Orange County, so that’s the issue with matching terms, and incidences, and I can see that someone who is focusing on details not shared on my blog, thinking that my life is a group of characters, is missing the point of whats important, and that’s how people try to justify crime, by using my story or details from people in my life, and say that crimes are occurring based upon details from my life, or based upon being in my story, whos lives have been nothing like mine thankfully, not lived alone, with this amount of setback and isolation socially, which makes me susceptible to being used as a pawn for provocation, to elicit details from my life, in defense of people from my life, thinking that I have ever spoken badly of people from my life, I think Im beyond that in life, to be motivated to defend myself, or be motivated to defend others, or be motivated to make anyone appear to have victimized me, or bullied me, or made me feel a certain way, that has caused anything in my life to have occurred in a way, that they think its coming from me, or my behavior or my mental health issues, blame incidences as being a product of a new diagnosis, or a treatment, or a negative judgement of someone who is not a public figure or who is easy to pick on, or for some justified reason that I am not aware of, treated like I harm others, I think once people think that of you, its hard to reverse that judgment, no one sees you as normal, or as you were, when you were a law student, or a girlfriend, or an employee, I think mental health issues I recorded in writing and in video and in photo, not something that I published online, and that’s how I got out of mental health issues, not keeping things to myself, so its not a political strategy for control, or power over opinion that I am doing well as a blogger, it should be for the purposes, or not allowing for anyone else to fall victim, to my circumstance in life, losing relationships, facing disability, not being hireable, having difficulty applying for jobs, not interviewing well, not being able to date, this is all a reflection of what you put online, which we are all responsible for what we put online, and what people think upon reading what we have to say, not to be convinced that we “are victims” or that anyone needs to “fight on our behalf” that’s not how to establish who has been harmed or in what way, and Im sure that if things are not going my way, that’s not to lend insight on any system that seeks to justify a treatment of one person as a strategy to cause harm to people connected to someone, that’s not what the justice system is for, its to correct wrongs, correct specific people, its not to correct “the people,” and this is where the disadvantage occurs, that me being punished is not “permission” to punish me on the basis of a prior incident of self-harm or being suicidal “hearing voices,” if my problems have not risen to that level of risk of harm to myself, its not therefore a mental health issue that the police need to respond to, usually if you are not feeling well you can call the police yourself and have a talk with them, and decide whether or not you need to go to the hospital, that has nothing to do with anyone, or anyones story, or my own story, that’s based upon how Im feeling whether you believe anything that I have to say, or have seen the actual reports or there for an actual situation in which Ive not been well, you cant recreate the causes for mental illness, everyone is different, everyone has different concerns, everyone thinks something different, this is why not to use drugs or alcohol, and not to also date in conjunction with being around others, or those interested in you romantically, things don’t work out, and that’s been my experience. So for what its worth I showed up and that’s not to relive what being put in treatment was like, or the limited television and news exposure we had, while being treated for schizophrenia put on Invega the diagnosis I received May 2, 2020, due to “voices,” that was my choice because UCLA was full, to be treated in at at home IOP program, which was convenient to have groups that I attended and found that I actually attended groups in treatment, unlike in the hospital where I sleep everyday on heavy meds, not everyone is privileged to be treated in a hospital setting. What I really cant handle is the negative result of having mental health issues, and for it to get worse, that’s not what I want, and I also don’t want to be someone who people don’t trust or don’t want to be close to anyone who they love and care for, Ive never treated anyone that way, but I guess that’s how you get treated when people think there is something wrong with you, and think its your fault. 

Side-Note: My therapist called me on my way home, who I got to talk to about recently talking about my past, previous work experiences, or relationships, and why things have not worked out, or what resulted, self-harm, or getting in trouble, I think that when you look bad nothing happens for you in life, and thats not something that you can overcome immediately, you have to get treatment, go to rehab, or hospital, to fix or correct what is wrong with you mentally, and I called 911 on my way there to specify that I gained 20 lbs over summer being treated for schizophrenia, not obese (overweight) by choice. #gabifresh. This is how things go from supportive, to people being prosecutorial towards you, like you have things wrong, or by your diagnosis you dont have a good understanding of life, I think anytime a set of beliefs, or outlooks is devalued by a negative interpretation, thats a loss for everyone to let any amount of negativity take away from the positives that we have to remember about people, and maybe thats the lesson in not getting carried away from whats not said, and maybe it is a good idea to say more, it used to be the case that as things stood, with power, we felt empowered just being in the vicinity of others in view or them, I didnt really have that chance to see him today, but he is someone who knows “identity management,” faces, ethnicities, hires people, has social skills, is a public figure, so to me thats a good person to confide in, not to affect or change him, but maybe he can help those who are also public figures adjust to the times, his specialty, making people feel safe, I think my specialty, is being able to talk about things without being punished, for my analysis, or facts, or story, which doesnt need to be set in stone, and doesnt have to be in a book, thats not “the peoples” right, or to be punished based upon who is or is not affected, we have experienced our own losses, including my own hospitalizations, hopefully in the future we dont wait until after everything happens to say more, thats seems to be the solution, maybe not through blogging, but there will be a better way, of not being controlled by goals to prosecute people because you dont like the way they look, or what they have to say, and only feel good when things can be made about them and blame them, which I think is a history global perspective of humanity, which Im not trying to make right now about disposition wise.

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