*This post was removed because then I start talking to him not my audience the person who upset me so when you read it and it doesn’t apply to you upsets the wrong people when it’s intended to clarify to who hurt me that I don’t wish to help him benefit reading my work if he is not helping me hurting me with his words.
Your Hand in Life
Your hand in life is what you bring to the table, its what you have to offer the world. Which can be devalued should you be hurt, and your attitude in life change, meaning you don’t feel like yourself, and you become less motivated in life, to stay the way you were, and instead become something youre not, upset, or bothered, aggravated, or exposed. I think we all have the right to privacy, it’s the purpose for someone exposing you to open you up, to see whats inside of you. Depending on who you are, either there will be things that youre proud of or not so proud of, that’s for your decide what you choose to speak to, and what you share will always be viewed as a reflection of who you are as a person. So be mindful. I think when you have a tough hand in life, that could be feeling misunderstood, or a negative pressure on you assuming that you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing in life, or expect you to be elsewhere in thinking or progress. I think we can only be where we are, and its not just a book that reminded me of that, its being present in the moment and doing the best with what is left of you in life, what you have, and maybe this is why gratitude lists are stressed upon in times when you are trying to get the right mindset in place to start your day or improve your life. Theres no right or wrong way to live life, we all make choices and end up in different places in life, with different friends, different jobs, and different educations, the point is to be open to change and open to accepting others no matter where they are in life, including yourself. I think the more non-judgment the better.
Creating a Space of Non-Judgment
In order to create a space for non-judgment, you have to sometimes set aside your beliefs and reservations in life and accept people for who they are and where they are in life, and what they have to say. For example in an AA meeting, am I going to think this person doesn’t know what they are talking about, of course not, its their experience and their perspective. Am I someone who is going to judge someone who is speaking and say that because they are not talking about life in this way, that they are delusional because what they are saying doesn’t make sense to me or isn’t something I can relate to, of course not. Your life is not a group project, its you improving, you being helped, and when you are well others benefit from you doing well, and that’s the feeling that others are apart of those moments of confidence and pride, not feeling, lost, sad, or disoriented, that’s something that you figure out on your own. What people know is based on what they hear, what you say, and what you discuss privately, and in public, with technology these days, everything is in a reviewable format, which is not to your benefit to discuss anything that you don’t want others to study and judge you for, such as what you look like, what you wear, your weight, where you are, where you live, your heritage, who you have dated, who you have liked, who you have spoken to in private or in public. There is no reason to judge someone as mentally ill who was not mentally ill not until 2017 getting voices (talking about myself), probably from drinking and relapsing on cocaine, so that’s not okay to treat someone who has mental health issues as mentally ill if they don’t look or sound that way (I did not not until I experienced obesity 2017-2022 on more meds), and if they don’t behave that way (I only had issues 2017 talking to myself briefly, and then started book writing, that was me brainstorming for solution on my own). I had no history of self-harm prior to 2017, that was my first experience hitting my head, then again 2020, experiencing my own stress privately threatened. People don’t care that you have been through a lot, they don’t care that you are not strong, that you are sensitive and not in the mood, all they care about is themselves, how they feel, and think and make demands of you like you should be scared of them like they can hurt you (no one should be left stuck in that type of relationship, its totally unnecessary).
Don’t read and learn from my language improve your vernacular, and then criticize my words as though you had a proper understanding of reality prior to meeting me, which improved upon meeting me, making the necessary adjustment to your own life. Some wake up and change, and some stay the same, and some have disability such as myself, which means there will be no powerful inspiration for change that can get me going in life to love myself and feel good again, that will be with my audience and society’s permission to move forward in life, and be my own person, absent their issue with me.
The type of hurt that gets you in trouble, is not worth your time, if someone is changing you and manipulating you to make you look stupid, so that you sound stupid, and don’t make sense, and not inspirational and at ease educational, then that’s how you get put in jail their word against yours, their wishes at your expense, and you go down in life live a lesser life as a result, your power taken away in life, and that much should not be demanded of anyone, to exchange a right to be the voice of reason in a circumstance that requires not only I be protected from unreasonable interests in harming me, but so that others in the future don’t think that they have a right to hurt me, because they did not get what they want from me, love.
I don’t have to be loving with anyone, not in private and not in public and certainly when Im not feeling good, and that’s what makes me different from other commercial bloggers, is that I have boundaries, I don’t feel good everyday, and I have problems that make it important that I only discuss things in private or with police, not for the public to know “what I think” or “what I fear” how is that going to help? You tell me. I don’t have to live that life, I don’t choose to live that life, and that type of life is not fun for me, to isolate me so that Im uncomfortable in public and not a well-adjusted woman, what do I have in life about me that I should not be proud of, have I not worked hard enough in life to deserve a job and start working? I think so. Im not imitation of anyone, I am myself, everyone dates, has sex, and has to take sexy photos in order to have sex with people, and I am no different, the same is asked of me, that’s how the world works, that’s how dating works, so don’t criticize me for who I have spoken to and what was asked of me. That doesn’t make me any less of a human being, to have interacted with people, who now make me look bad, society instead viewing them as me with admiration for them helping me, and then seeing me as less than, as though they did not benefit from knowing me, credit me for my positive influence on them, and their strength. -You light up when youre ready, its not necessary.
Back to brainstorming … most ideas get made in that way in a manic state or working fast and trying to organize and compartmentalize your thoughts like writing a list fast or jotting notes down. In that time, while “having a side project” (website) those are all your esoteric thoughts about life (ideas), dont forget what is real, what is important, and what you can actually talk about in a comfortable way without others becoming uncomfortable by your seriousness, be approachable in life. Dont forget to work on something concrete that you can talk about on your resume, and thats why I graduated and kept going. I attended law school because I deserved to be there applied and took the LSAT three times beginning 2006, I love to write. I also dated and have experience in relationships and have experienced the “hook up” culture. And I have friends (though I frequently deny having friends online, because they are not out here with me). This is what qualifies me to blog, is that I have had a life and because I held important positions in life, I think that I deserve to hold the position as blogger online now in my 30s. Its when you lose everything that you are judged, and just because you have things in life does not privilege you to talk about whatever you want to talk about, or to talk about life like its easy or has not been hard for you or others. -Its not all about you, means really think in what way is this person speaking that it should affect me, Ive never read a single thing in my life and felt offended by it, as though its teaching me something that I don’t want to hear or goes against my belief system, maybe with politics these days, everyone has their preferences, I think Im as included as I should be for the amount of writing I have contributed to online, and Im proud of those now distant connections, collaborations, and influences in life, had I not reached out to people, maybe I would not have been included for interpretation or have influenced them for the better, or me representing what others may be going through, be assisted during a time of need, having me online describing the situation of what I think, not stuck in argument with others, that doesn’t help.
Not Being Bothered by Other Peoples Problems
In a previous post I discussed the varying degrees of mental health issues, there are! And that’s a good thing, that everyone is not as bad as the worst, and people with more mild symptoms, can get over things quick, I think that’s how we all feel when we are strong, its not one bad day to the next, it goes away, and a lot of that is training, and help, therapy, group support, and that’s how things get better, there are systems in place, which I have been privileged to be apart of, and that’s what makes my blog unique, in that I have already been informed and trained of how to share, what to share, and whats okay to share, and for those reasons I am comfortable sharing. Had I not had prior experience talking to a group in real life, had I not had prior experience having friends, or being in relationships, then I would not know how to be funny, how to be kind, how to be thoughtful, how to be sensitive, how to be strong, how to be supportive, how to be compassionate, and how to be loved, or to love others, you learn this through experience, and with experience with #toddspitzer, I now know how I am supposed to smile, how pretty my face is supposed to be, what my body should look like, what kinds of voices should I get or not get, and how much am I supposed to improve, had I not had a supportive relationship that accepted me mentally ill, with problems, giving up suicidal, self-harming, and then back to educated, applying myself, then I probably would’ve been stuck fighting with someone trying to put me in jail, and punish me for “not being loving” or making fun of “how I show love” or criticize me as “not loveable.” You know there are plenty of people in the universe to love and admire and tell yourself that I don’t have to be one of them, be happy for other women then, be happy for other girls then, and stop being hard on who you don’t understand, or cant comprehend, why are they not happy, why are they so intense, why are they so serious, because it has to do with politics, crime, gun violence, and hate, and if I am not someone who represents what it means to be accepted then I have to do my very best to make sure me or others are not targeted for who they are “mentally ill or not” or “at peace or not.” Those shouldnt be the terms of acceptance and attack in life, I promise you that you will live no better life having harmed me, then you would’ve having just taking care of yourself in life, and not decide to fight me.
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