blogging, career

Overcoming Discrimination …

While my career does not look as successful as most people in the legal profession, I have done my best to make due with what degrees I do have, and whatever placements I have been offered. I just started scanning through Youtubes at my new job, “Level21 Magazine” and found a video on Miss USA pageant winners, including Cheslie Kryst, and fell into shock. Im sure coming from my background as top blogger, ¾ JD, and an MSL, without a license to practice law, not having taken the bar, and since experiencing mental health issues, have not been speaking to my childhood best friend growing up, well most of them. What’s an unwanted association? I think as a proponent of the #metoo movement, it will not make sense why I was sued for “civil harassment,” and Im sure not being who I am should not make a difference, there is a saying that because of who you are you should not be allowed to get away with things in life, so there is an assumed privilege that they think you have, when prosecuting you, to teach you a lesson about not being important, assuming that you think you are. I don’t think that I am important, I just never saw myself as someone to avoid, or anyone who anyone would have difficulty talking to, there was never really anything to say about me growing up behind my back, or in college, or law school, I was pretty much friends with everyone. I think when you come up with an idea for a campaign that’s perceived as risky, by virtue of what its combatting “gun violence” and supporting Brady, if your hearts not in it, it could be misunderstood for something else, drawing attention to a cause or yourself as connected to a cause, which if you don’t represent the issues well, will be viewed as not helping a cause. Being who Cheslie Kryst is, she is not one to have general disdain for people, not even me, when it comes to lawsuits, seeing that she was an advocate for those who’ve committed minor offenses. You know no one ever really confronts you about the issues, why they don’t like you, or are hurting you, and I think its because she committed suicide, shortly after I was accepted to intern for Level21 Magazine, and I think I only announced that I got jobs on Facebook and on my Instagram, and later mentioning on my blog, while working on making the transition from not working to working, and I think this was the turbulence I faced in beginning to work, and not knowing what the issue was with people, or their attitude toward me. There will be unhappiness whenever there is death, and whatever people choose to associate with its happening, is what people are mean to you for, whatever common denominator they assume to be the catalyst for bad feelings, ill feelings, or sickness around you or to others, who don’t wish to be connected to you, so if that was the case, then there is no problem with trying to figure out why that was the case, and what has caused her to commit suicide, if not for the same reasons that Kate Spade has committed suicide. Its never been condition that I have promoted, about myself, to make it okay for that condition to be had, or to be frowned upon, and not have been supported by others, in the event that she needed help or someone to talk to. I have had experiences with self-harm in the past, and its usually when people are upset with me that that then becomes the problem. Im sorry I did not speak about this suicide, as I did not realize that I was directly affected, not having anyone tell me the connection that where I work had interviewed the “Miss USA” who recently committed suicide and jumped off a balcony.

My Timeline:

January 9 – Job Interview at Level 21 Magazine

January 20 – Accepted to Level 21 Magazine

January 19 – Interrogating Justice Interview and Given 1st Test Assignment

February 17 – Found out I didn’t make final selection at Interrogating Justice. 

I don’t think being connected to OJ, growing up at his house, is okay to make any light jabs at me, as though Im somehow responsible for her suicide, being connected to a magazine who interviewed her, to treat me as though Im an unwanted connection or a source of bad luck. What’s hard for me to understand is how I can be connected to 17 million online at one point as a writer, and to be drained in that way get voices, but then treat me as though I have no connections in life, and am carrying some kind of dead weight around with me in life in the form of an illness, not described in words, or discussed in detail on my blog, having gotten through the worst of it, and working through the glitches in judgment and what I have to say. I may not be able to see my influences in life, I may not be able to hear from my influences in life, and I may not be able to get advice, or direction when it comes to whatever assumptions there are about who I am or what I was sued for and the content of those conversations, but I don’t deserve to be treated as though because of a childhood connection to OJ, that that makes it fair game to attack me, as though I am him. I have not worked in a paid position yet, I have been applying since 2008, and that’s not my fault that no one will hire me, and that was my choice to continue my legal education so that I could get a job in law. Recently I received a reply from a law office in Pasadena, Im sure its just where you apply is where you will be accepted based on who knows you based on where you live and who knows who and is talking. I am not able to interview for the job in Pasadena because I have recently been accepted to a job in Washington DC at Fort Myer Construction, in a paid position (remote), that has not started yet. I continued to apply for jobs because my Dad is dying of Cancer, and he wanted me to continue applying for jobs, so I applied. I have been working with a Career Coach in private, to work though my issues when it comes to applying for jobs, and to keep on applying and not give up, and improve. Based on where I am at in life, Im not drinking, or drugging, or having sex, Im actually getting back together with my ex-boyfriend from law school. I have experienced worse years in my life, usually when people have thought less of me, or think less of me because of the lawsuit, assume there is something wrong with me or too strong about me to others, I think that I am the same with everyone, I don’t talk to people, and work and stayed in school. That’s how I am distant, so the first time I reached out to someone, I got sued, and that’s that. It taught me to not talk to people about your problems, to get help from a licensed professional who is equipped to help you with your problems in life, and to hire an attorney to talk about what your fears or troubles are and how you think people are relating things to you and your life, or using you and your life for excuse for the decisions and behaviors of others in their life. I know that Im not leading a bad life, disciplined, and Im not being impulsive, or unstable, and I am doing my best to communicate what is necessary to move forward in life, including getting a job, and calling 911 if necessary, and also write to the FBI and police. To me that’s the force that’s connected to me, who is watching over me, there is no one in me or watching over me, that I am allowing into my life, or to speak through me, who is not a government official. There is a reason for that, once you start writing online, there are people watching you which affects what you think, you sense things, and you think things, and when you are not sure of what to talk about, what you assemble is sometimes not what youre exposed to or thinking but could be the result of something that someone else is exposed to or thinking, who is watching you. And when you are being watched, people wait to see what comes through you, either what are you assembling based on what you see, or what do you assemble based on what you hear, that is not coming from people, but people watching you, assume youre listening to them, even on your own without any people around. There is comradere I don’t have paranoia, the comradere is everyone knows me, and because everyone knows me that discomfort is comforted by whoever is in leadership in the environment accommodates everyone, except for me. So that’s how someone can meet me, know me, then cater to the crowd, and then treat me as someone who is traitor to the interests of the majority, thinking I don’t see or hear understand the crowd or everyone else possibly making fun of me, or my life story, in conjunction with OJ’s life story. Sometimes people do things to you to communicate to everyone else, and I don’t think that is necessary to get me to see like others, or OJ, or to communicate an interest counter to me, let it be known to me, in the form of allowing that misjudgment to foster and win in spite of whatever I got through so that they are not affected, put me down in life, so they feel better. What have I done to deserve to be put down in life, to make who more at ease and feel better, what have I done to anyone, to deserve to be blamed should someone not be feeling well. I have done my best with disability to work and get strong again in order to work, its not my fault that everyone blames everyone. and no one takes anything to court. Ive said this before and I’ll say it again, if you have a problem with me, and don’t want to be associated to me then take it to court, but don’t go on campaigning for everyone to attack me or hurt me, when I don’t have any money, or attorney, or any form of defense, to defend myself against any unwanted pressure or resentments geared toward me. <<< Please Note: This is not permission to sue me with my writing complain about how you feel when I’m under threat of suit or indifference from others treated as though I’m not doing enough or expected to read between the lines or be made fun of as though I’m supposed to handle rejections in life for reactions or attempts to make me a paraia make others uncomfortable to me to encourage others to be hard on me with disability to hold me responsible for my own mental illness as though I’m imagining an unwanted pressure on me of me looking stupid or grose online when I do my best to be presentable and well liked]. The only difference between me and your lost loved one, is that I was able to escape what it was that was bothering me, and overcome those difficulties sober and with guidance, maybe living a lesser life for awhile, but sometimes you have to give up a lot to get better, and miss out on a lot in life, working through your thinking, and be goal oriented again. Staying out of harms way for me meant not going out at all, and not dating at all, which was a huge sacrifice of my late 20s and early 30s. It’s important to get help, and keep going in life, and stay sober, and that’s how I was able to stay alive.] I have it just as hard as anyone else, trying to work through disability and get a job, living with disability is not a wake up one day and its all gone, its there everyday, and if you don’t stay balanced, and do the same thing everyday with meds and exercise, then you can get sick again, if you stay up too late, don’t sleep enough, don’t write in the positive, go through something negative, or get screamed at, it triggers all the emotions of self-harm and suicide all over again, and no one should be made to feel that way aggravated. So I can empathize with her committing suicide, because I don’t believe that suicide is selfish, I believe that a lot of things get factored in, (1) unwanted attention (2) being watched (3) unwanted pressure (4) politics (5) acceptance (6) connections (7) stalking (8) city health (9) crime (10) lawsuits and respect (11) disrespect and harm (12) country code … all of these things get factored into a persons feelings and thinking which in turns affects how they feel and how they manage that secret being bothered or affected or made upset, why I am online to not allow anything to be made secret and to allow for conversations to be had, so that there is not feeling that gets felt where you don’t know where its coming from, that is read through you and responded to without having an identifiable cause or person, to know where that energy or feeling is coming from, and how you react and respond counter to an unwanted feeling. So that’s my take on public figures and unwanted energy, unless you are connected to people, to diffuse that hurt, then its definitely something that you should report to your doctor or local law enforcement, when you have instability, to be given the right meds and support so that you can cope with those feelings, and not give up in life, no matter what cannot be changed or fixed about you, you can get better, even if it takes 10 years, eventually we all heal, through talking.

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