advocacy, beingpositive

Recovering from Suicide …

No one will understand your problems in life, until you have them, and have to talk about your problems in life, and sometimes you don’t have problems yet, and get sick, it happens to the best of us, why people get sober, stay home, work on themselves, and try to stay focused on their health. If youre not able to balance it all in life then you wind up having less in life. Everytime you experience a mental health episode, there will be differences, not all episodes are the same, or triggered by the same depressions in life, or complications, whatever is expected of you, be sure to live up to that expectation of you. Some people are coddled and helped, and others if you attend law school are expected to help themselves and not need help from others. It was never my expectation in life to need therapy or psychiatry and have social skills issues, but that’s very common to mental health issues, in isolation, having to start your life over, with limitations, that’s disability. I think Instagram is a brief synopsis of my whole story and timeline over the past 10 years, what I have done to overcome disorientation, or feeling lost in life, and find meaning and purpose to living life, beyond law school and getting a job in law. I guess we are not all cut out to be attorneys in life, and for whatever reasons you lost stamina in life. You have to believe in yourself to make things happen for you in life, when you are not sure of yourself, this can be a turn off, when you are not doing well, not feeling well, or need reassurances in life. Law school is one of those things that you cant be there unless you are there for the right reasons, and you cant be there to figure life out if you have not already figured life out for yourself. I cant say that 2009 is anything like 2017, or 2020. For those who don’t have mental health issues, it may be hard for them to believe what causes you instability, and its not the blog, the instability occurs with or without the blog. Suicide is a difficult concept, from my own experience its when you are disillusioned, feel like calling people to say goodbye leave voicemails, feel distant to others, its hard for others to get through to you, and theres some kind of combined addiction or alcoholism at issue, in which others are trying to separate you from medications or alcohol in order for you to improve, like separating me from adderrall and putting me on anti-psychotics. I don’t think that my Instagram is a “Movie: Beautiful Mind” joke, I don’t relate to the film, and that has not been my experience with mental health issues, running away from people or looking lost, and collecting things trying to make sense of life. Later in life when you are taken off adderrall, its upon being slow, or taking the lead of others, that you wind up looking stupid, or risk being judged for not being “awake,” and sharp. That was my issue, trying to go back to life, on Provigil, and I simply wasn’t sharp enough to make a good impression, and wasn’t awake enough to pick up on things, or to avoid misunderstanding concerning who I am or what Im about. I think being paranoid about people doing things to you, is how you are made to look schizophrenic, frantic or messy faced, like you are lost, and others are calm, nothing wrong with them, and something wrong with you, it took me awhile to figure that out, how you get singled out as being “mentally ill,” and confronted as though you have done something wrong, or not taking your meds as prescribed, or there being something wrong with your meds, if you don’t sleep, or stay up late. Whatever the excuse is for displeasure with you, it will be either going to bed at 8pm every night, staying home, and not running at night, or stay up late and be judged as drug addict, you have to find your happy medium to build trust again. What people cannot tolerate is when you think things are about you, or when you think you are normal when you don’t look normal, there tends to be disappointment that you become faced with, when your face is not sharp or you look aged. Its hard to be clean faced, when everyone knows you, and its hard to stay level headed and retain all your energy, when you are sharing in public, or in groups, that’s just how I am I get drained socially, and need my alone time. So a lot of my recovery is about making sure that I am doing everything right, maybe once in awhile I stay up late, less than 5 times a month, and sometimes I stay up all night, maybe 1x a month if I am in the writing mood and working on something, or upset by something, and cant sleep until I have said enough to not be upset anymore and feel left alone. When does it become schizophrenia? The point at which you are not well and others recognize that you are not well, and have to be told that you are not well, is when you get diagnosed as schizophrenic, its when you no longer make sense to others, and when what you have to say does not sound logical, or sounds out there. No one can help you if they don’t know whats wrong with you, so you can stay sick all you want, but only you can make yourself better, that’s what Ive learned, that it was through going to law school and focusing on myself, that things started to work out for me, you also have to make sure that things don’t get out of hand for you publicity wise, that means being picky about who you date and what happens to you, everything will become known later and you will be judged for who is in your life, for how long they are in your life, and for what is exchanged in those relationships, positive and negative. 

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