abuse, advocacy

What is a Jelly Bean?

What is a Jelly Bean? A Jelly Bean is someone you love who you can’t get through to, and in trying to get through to them explain to them how much you love and admire them, hoping that they will see the same in themselves. A way to get someone to snap out of the mood that they are in, and get into being their loving selves, not all of us have that in us at a moment like this, so its okay to be your soldier self. I was an equinox member too, so I totally get the feeling, of working out like its your job, and taking your health seriously, lets all smell like eucalyptus about it, why don’t we. If a eucalyptus smell makes a club, please don’t get mad at me, when that foggy discomfort clouds your face, in the form of an unhappy marine layer you can’t just seem to see through, stuck in your own cloud about things, lets hope that things clear on your end, only God knows what’s on the other side of that cloud, but that’s what faith is for. This is why they tell you to always see the good in others, the less you fear, the less tense and anxious you get, making your cloud of thinking disorganized: which includes assuming, jumping to conclusions, and putting things together as you wish, for the sake of making yourself feel good, but not to the benefit of assembly to those around you. That’s your competitive edge in life, when you want people guessing what you’re thinking, instead of hearing them out or trying to figure out why your own thoughts about things don’t match theirs. We all have limits, with ourselves and with others, and the less work that people have to do in getting to know you, your strengths and weaknesses the better, yes we are magical creatures with zones of depth you can see in each of our eyes, we are human, but that doesn’t mean that there is glory in the mystery, some of the most private people hold the most painful stories, and that’s not a choice to live that way, its by exposure they feel minimized or weakened, no one likes to be talked about, or so we are told, “We don’t talk about Bruno” song. Surprise people by making them feel good, and that also requires for you to read into less of what others are thinking and focus more on your own thinking, people who feel good, who have gathered thoughts attract an audience like 3rdStreet Promenode, I grew up here, its in my gene to behave this way, the internet is no different than how to attract a crowd in reality, no ifs ands or buts about it, people feel good when something new comes along that they have not heard, or is said in a way that relates to their tone and feeling on the inside, we don’t need exact science to establish a feeling, just enough of the right chords to establish that that feeling is there or is recognized in one another, through listening. Im working in an office of a completely different language at the moment, and its like music to my ears for a schizophrenic, nothing that I have to think about or is registering to me, so that’s reassuring. If its in you to accept others, ask more questions, make people feel good by giving them something to talk about or figure out what they have to say about life, the potential is limitless, for discussion points about life, there are careers completely dedicated to getting people to organize their lives and their thoughts and stay motivated, it seems like most of us have this problem, not just people who make money try to stay as up as possible as though life were a stairmaster that you stayed on for 2 hours, that was running for me, apparently that’s how in shape you need to be to make money, and so I eventually got a job, I have been training for working again, that’s how disciplined I am. The physical labor in doing things you don’t want to do, but turn out to be good for you, is EXACTLY what cardio is, it takes several weeks to actually want to walk or run, the beginning is always long and takes forever and the more you practice working on your health the more automatic things get like work, its all about what you set your mind to, and also to have some vision in planning out your day, or tasks to be done. For mental health its all about goal setting, so on my Instagram I shared a list of points to include in a blog post, that’s how my spiral notebooks were like in making a post I would write lines of thoughts until it hit me what I wanted to write about but sometimes there are periods where you have to get through the negative to get to the positive, this is how journaling helps, it relases you from a condition that you can’t get out of, only though writing are able to overcome a feeling and let it go and talk about things that you realize having written what you wrote. So be yourself be your own Jelly Bean in life “your good self” put the other self away the one that wants to be the professional perfect adult with all the credentials and accept yourself as you are “your base self” and then decide how you want others to feel who are around you, then “practice” your life as you would want others to see you, and once you are able to establish a system of thinking that is clear of what you would “not want to hear,” then you can go from there “speaking clearly” and not “speaking to” what is bothering people what a “speakeasy” is about when people during times of war not say things that insult or aggravate or state anything obvious that is going well for others and be critical of the positive momentum seeing others as small. “Seeing others as small” is key to the problem with violence, people seeing themselves as bigger and smarter, its that condescending approach of “telling people like it is” that is frowned upon, so being a blogger you assume that you are saying something that no one is saying, but because people relate to what you are saying, and now have the same thoughts as you, treat you as “saying something they know” but if what you are saying doesn’t exist anywhere “then it is not something that is known or has been said by anyone” in order for a majority to think it, and to accept it as common knowledge. Therefore it is not appropriate to assume that just because someone is not famous (myself) that they are not respected, or dumber than anyone who is successful and has money, be treated as not smart or influential in a positive way (just because I don’t make money), that’s also wrong to say that (someone is smart) only because of who they know, to assume that there is some gathered thinking or thought process that existed prior to me talking that was a prior system for believing or thinking that did not work, and then judge me as someone who is built from a prior system of thinking that didn’t work, and say that my thinking or system of thinking did not work again, as though for the same bases “schizophrenia” disaster struck, if you are comparing me to an offender who was “schizophrenic” is not the poison or anecdote for dismissing me as intelligent, based on what you consider “organized” or smart, assembled properly, its history, it happened the way it happened, on the basis of what historical dilemma was faced with at the time, and given the tools for coping, that is how a “discomfort” was dealt with, when something bad happens a “discomfort happens.” I don’t think that me getting schizophrenia is a “discomfort” or an exact science of how and why that happened to me deserved “voices” especially for someone who is not social and doesn’t go out and drink or do drugs therefore I didn’t pick up “disability” from anyone who was “disabled around me,” or from some drug addict or offender you are misassociating me to, trying to establish that I have some “loser disease” that occurs when someone is told that there is something wrong with them “by something bad happening to them” to let them know that someone doesn’t care about them or thinks that they deserve it, like someone popping my tire in a way that cannot be plugged at the gas station, and being refused service. So what are on the other sides of those thoughts. Meanwhile I am working on losing 40-50lbs and now trying different diet pills from Vitamin Shoppe, I will let you know which ones work and the dosing that Im taking, I usually underdose and only take 1-2 pills instead of three or once daily not 3 times daily, and now taking non-stimulant diet pills, because the other ones gave me ulcer and head burn. So Im losing weight to not be discriminated as grose or heavy, and Im losing weight to not be judged as not pretty or jealous. I think if I lose weight that it will be okay for me to be pretty, and I will not make other girls jealous, because my body will not look slutty and I will not have big boobs, my boobs are so big that Im not allowed to wear a bikini on Bumble, Im sure there are other women in bathing suit tops, however I am not allowed to wear a bathing suit top on Bumble, marked as “inappropriate.” I think the differential is based on the recent mass shooting “Laguna Woods” and viewing me as connected to OJ being negative towards me like Im not funny or Im not cute or Im not pretty or Im not smart is how 50% of the men perceive someone who they think they are better than and do not see themselves making love to me, but are nice to me, because they want to see how I am if I am loving toward them, to then reject me on the basis of how they feel, most people want to size me up these days, its like a fight waiting to happen, just to test my strength, whether I speak clearly, on the basis of what I think is funny, or whether I am alluding to “Elle Woods” by wearing a bikini were somehow insulted by me because not described on my Bumble is that I grew up best friend with Sydney Simpson, therefore I don’t need to be compared to Billionaires, who don’t have disability or mental health issues, and have been supported and admired along the way and through their journey to success not been judged as something less than they are human. Expected from. So that’s not me reading into things, that’s someone seeing me and not liking me just by looking at me, took my photo down, if that’s what they are seeing and that’s not whats in my mind being communicated an old photo, then that’s not what Im alluding to. A mass shooting doesn’t happen because someone goes to law school who is inappropriate to be a law student, someone goes to law school because writing is their gift (2006 decided before OJ was jailed), and they genuinely care about helping others, and it is second nature for them to care, and they have the stamina and mental endurance to stay focused for 3-4 years and get the work done. Past controversy, it’s a crap shoot, you are stuck in bed and don’t know why, and that’s when people have a joint opinion of you that you don’t know about, and that’s what drains your brain and gives you headaches, when that joint opinion of you, is suddenly they see themselves as better than you, and you are not recognized in the room as a solid person, that’s law school. With disability you can be sharp and your face and body wont look like it, that’s the mistake in thinking to judge whether someone is smart or on point, by what they look like, someone who works hard and is processing a lot will not look sharp and look like they are feeling good. When I have processed things and I am feeling good that is when I get rejected or insulted to be made to not feel good, so that I am made to think about others or bothered asked for a cigarette today by an Amazon Truck, I said no and told him that Im working too, and that gave me a headache and had to take an Excedrin for migraines, they just don’t understand that it hurts when Im focused and you get into my zone when Im tired after work, and think that’s social time to share my brain space, its not.

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