It’s Been Awhile …

If it’s been awhile since you last smiled or laughed then you would be on board with my tone in life, which is not humanly possible to get through that much seriousness in life, and not lighten up as you get through the hard parts, and that’s apart of being human. We can’t all be immune to stupidity (in the form of love), fighting (in the form of love), and embarrassment (in the form of love), these are common ways we bring out one anothers discomforts in life, so if you have the privilege of having people in your life to practice with, all the more better, eventually there is the rest of the world that you have to meet, all Bubble Boy movie jokes aside, I think being sheltered is a positive trait, I wouldn’t say that I am and have probably spent too much time alone and out alone in life, to have an unusual confidence, that’s typical of someone who is independent, they shine just a little brighter or like the “heavy hitter” bosses you’ve had in life, walking into the office you can’t miss them, they have a presence about them. You learn as you go through life, how to shine bright in all your colors, and control your shine in life, sometimes the harder you try the harder you fall, or the more sensitive you become to minor life stresses in life, which don’t have to be big deals, not unless you allow all those moments to pile up and summarize life as having been that way, I assure you its just the time period, and maybe just a phase for you in life, and things don’t have to stay that way, feeling small or intimidated, or not prepared professionally. Thankfully I have worked many internships so this job adjustment went by successfully in a month, I topped out after a month, but am getting some much needed rest not, and because of #covid, I get to take a few more days to get ready mentally to begin again, it’s a treck the first few days but eventually you get used to it, and the pace of sitting for 6-8 hours a day working non-stop with on break or a few short ones. -Im happy to see the police presence at my apartment complex today, that means a lot to me, that someone cares about our building and the people, 4th of July was a little quesitonnable half the people ran away and sent videos to #toddspitzer, and saw a puff of smoke in the parking lot. Im assuming that since no one was harmed, that the police are here today, just to make us all feel better, having that occurred, to make sure that we are being watched and taken care of. We can’t all be tough and worse is to get along with everyone, and to make friends easily, and then to be hurt by a few sensitive people, who expect you to be loving toward them, eventually when your feelings are hurt enough times, love is lost, and maybe that is something that they have to learn the hard way, that you are not the same person you were when you first met and initially were talking, and that its painful and hard to talk to someone who hurts your head or who does not reinforce your feelings for balance in the event that you fall off balance, this is when you need to be there for yourself, like all relationships wellness is expected, and if you can’t offer that much, then you will not be coddled through it just as you were not coddled through the changes that initially disturbed them, “that distance.” I think that’s normal for people to go in and out of focus and need alone time, life can be very stressful and with mental health issues, its harder to put your heart into things, such as conversational skills, when you are feeling hurt, its especially hurtful when you are tired and being made to try hard or made to hurt have your head hurt by someone purposefully giving you a hard time. I’ll never know the method to anyones madness, and Im sure that they have their own stories to boot, stored in their memory banks of lessons they want to teach me in life, or ways they want me to feel, in order for them to better understand life, and that’s not what people are for, experimentation. You either have experience working with others or your don’t, you either have a success rate in getting alone with others or you don’t, and you can either help a lot of people and have experience with helping others or you don’t, popularity is not something that you can be taught, it’s a confidence that occurs over time, not by who you know, that enables you to talk to whoever and make people feel good and feel special, maybe that’s because my best friend is special, where I get it from, that sense of pride in yourself, and professionalism, and wanting to do good in the world, and the social skills of people who are open hearted and kind to everyone, and protective of those they do love and care about and hard in those who have given them a hard time in life, everyone has their reasons for being hard on one another, and that’s for no one to judge how we are toward one another, and make a joke of things, as though there is anything typical of abuse in life, to make happen or to treat people with abuse as though that’s the pathway to love, that’s the pathway to hurt and belittlement, its not the sense of power that strengthens people, it really minimizes the maturity that people have today when compared to the past treatments of others, in different times, or in the past. I think we are beyond that. Someone who can’t get past where you are headed in life does not see the future with you, and sees your plate as full and time consuming to care, its hard to be with people who feel that you are heavy or difficult, and there are also those who don’t recognize your limits and when you say no or ask them to stop, those are people who think that they know better, also moments when your head and can hurt and when you can experience difficulty in life. People who don’t make sense are coming from a different place in life and its hard to read into people who are coming from a place where they are trying to get you to think something, that you don’t see or recognize or have not experienced. Therefore you can’t teach people what it feels like to feel proud, or to feel good, or to feel at ease, or accomplished, those are all feelings that you have to figure out on your own how to achieve, and this is what can make relationships so time consuming and draining is in the event that you are required to make someone feel that way, why in the event that you are not well, should be punished as though you are capable of making them not feel that way, when it comes to business, the business stands with or without you, and in order to grow your business you have to work on it to get it going, and when it gets going that’s when things feel good, when it is being maintained, I don’t think that I anticipated going through something difficult personally that’s like pulling my heart out of my chest, just to manage another persons energy toward me, who has that type of energy anyways. So that’s not being able to love or be in a loving relationship, you cant feel it, and you cant make it happen, and that’s not your fault, not as a woman or a man, everyone has to take care of themselves, so its not your fault to wander, to learn lessons, and to move forward in life, we hope that those interested will stick around for the journey and be there for us when we are well, and allow those dull moments of indecisions or lost confidence to not fade the love that they have for you, love you unconditionally. So I recently purchased semrush an blogging platform to connect my google analytics and console which I have briefly tried setting up accounts to my wordpress, but have not been able to get consistent numbers in years and because I stopped blogging professionally everyday, that learning fell by the wayside. I think as a hobby I love blogging and I noticed how much better I feel blogging, so may continue writing, I don’t seem to be doing well doing much else, and its also apart of my recovery and learning, to be able to teach solutions back to others, having gone through a problem or issue enough times to put something together organized and summarized, and maybe that will take time, in the form of a book one day, but not at this moment, with current dilemmas and issues interpersonally, until things settle for me, then maybe one day, and help others in an more intimate way, right now I need to be alone and away from everyone, until I get strong again, then can date and have friends, I think right now, Im doing my best just working and being in a work environment, that all my time and energy is devoted to making things work out at work, so that I have a long term position working and get used to working and keep coming up with systems for working that work for me and help me to stay organized at work and continue to meet deadlines. So in the future maybe one day Ill have a professional Instagram, lose 50 lbs, take better photos, and publish a book, but right now Im focused on working, maybe dating if Im emotionally able to and physically able to, that’s what the running and walking everyday is for, to be in a loving relationship and to have the energy and stamina for one, at 36 you start to think about these things. Anyways hope that helps anyone else similarly going though a tough time and feeling alone in life, it will pass, just don’t let yourself get pulled around too much in life over nonsense and small issues, you are better off saving your energy for bigger battles in life, such as the ones we are facing today, being strong for one another.

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