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A Difficult Time …

I think everyone’s going through a difficult time from what I’ve heard regarding people I know from my life or who know people I know and I’m sure it’s not just my social circles in life who feel the pressure and I’ve tried to understand it myself. So the main point of sharing my story is to illustrate that you can get through it no matter what voices or people are convincing you or others that you are something that you’re not, violent.

I’ve been the most even tempered my whole life, I actually cried a lot in college lonely and through law school and during this past year while talking to #toddspitzer it took awhile to get through all the heartache pain and fighting towards me and get back to being myself without underperforming in life.

Whatever people think you’ve done wrong in life does not entitle them to continue to push for you to suffer that doesn’t make things better or any easier for me and at the same token I don’t make people who have wronged me suffer. I’m usually focused on myself and don’t question it if spending the energy continuing to work toward earning their love or respect if they can’t give it they’re not for me man or woman, sex and likes solves nothing it’s all about your health.

I just walked on treadmill for 38mins and want to walk everyday like I used to 2020 2021, 2022 was a slow year of processing and overcoming mental illness self-harm. I’m not proud of what was done to me in life or how I responded by hurting myself to get the voices to stop makes no sense to me why I was under any kind of pressure of voices in life or now.

I think I’ve always done my best. When I was doing well at work the weeks went by and the days were not physically demanding of me how I know this job is a good fit for me if I can stay well and work. I do my best but at 37 I know better whether I’ll be able to perform or not so pass up opportunities and thankfully picked right based upon the order of acceptances accepted who accepted me first.

I prefer being hired on the spot I don’t prefer to wait because it’s physically demanding to wait for a reply and stalls the process of other applications affects my energy and confidence and I can’t afford to lose confidence to a job I’m interested in who is not interested in me why waste my energy working myself up to believe in them if they don’t believe in me. Seems like it’s clear if any convincing is needed upon applications means it’s not a good fit for me. Who doesn’t recognize my disability or how far I’ve come and what I’m capable of. If they don’t see me as capable I can’t prove that to them in an interview and they will likely not be impressed by me working.

Contrary to blogging things get better in the wait time mentally and physically on breaks at least for me it’s not like a job or hooking up it’s writing and reading there is appropriate time for rest to not affect the quality of the work product or content by moods or not feeling good makes it hard to write something of value. So the same expectation and infliction of distress upon not hearing from me is not deserved I have my own issues to get through apart from what I have to say to everyone or anyone. That space I deserve time to think rest, listen to music, get organized.

I think I don’t get voices when I write I don’t understand why people have to hear from you for what reassurances in life, no one is out to get me beyond “voices – auditory delusions” and no one is out to get you by my “auditory delusions” that’s something no one can prove why with your voice in another’s head you don’t get voices but without a voice coming from you you hear voices that are not your own, I don’t know why that happens. Nothing I say is repetitive or based on anything I have said I can’t hear what you’re thinking reading my work I can only go by my feelings which is to not be made nervous or uncomfortable by anything I’ve said enabling anyone to hurt me by what they know about me or based on what they’ve read treat me. That’s my dilemma being comfortable and not being hurt in life by “voices – auditory delusions.”

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