Written at #laxcourthouse (Day 1) …
I read two great articles today in part, one on narcissism  and the other on work productivity and blame , searching “creating problems.” What resonated with me were the themes of being difficult or unforgiving and the time wasted in trying to repair disconnect that either you contribute to that faltering or you accept on your end what is deficient feeling wise that you cannot expect to be rehabilitated by another.
“There can be no resolution because there is no real problem. There is no way to solve a problem that doesn’t exist and even if there were,”  it is true that some problems lie within, I guess then it’s up to us individually to accept what is of our own making, what’s real, and differentiate between the reality of things, the seriousness of what we feel and the importance of sharing how we feel, will that better our relationships or make things worse and why.
You owe it to yourself to make things work with others, no matter how painful or difficult it would be to just let go upon recognizing what is not clear in your thinking or feeling chances are if you don’t feel good by it another will not either.
With mental health issues sometimes this is not clear foresight or not and you have to allow for some leeway to again figure eachother out give one another time to grow and to allow for mistakes in thinking to happen this is true if anyone getting to know anyone no matter what your political beliefs are and no matter what you think is true there is more to life to figure out always leave your faith in believing that what is difficult or challenging will at one point be easier to digest understand and comprehend and know that on the outset it can be hard off the bat to accept some things at this point we recognize to be wrong, the wrong focus, the wrong solution in terms of the order of priority in which things are assessed and related to, to make clear.
There are two paths in life, (1) one divulging through difficulties internally or externally through writing and shortening our time, energy, and patience or (2) leaving room for acceptance, allowing difficulties to pass in thinking, and thrive instead on what would make things better not just for yourself but also for any sides you’ve become consumed with going against you in life even if it’s just thinking of the reactions and negative opinions that others may hold of you.
What remains clear is when you as the writer have arrived to solution for your own thinking or understanding which is either evident and accepted by the reader or not good enough.
Usually when things don’t feel good enough accept that is others who believe your influence does not affect others in the positive, or thinks that you don’t belong or appreciate acceptances of you so none are given, or sees you as guilty or for comparison. No matter what the issue is either you are backlogged with having to prove yourself again that is losing trust, acceptance, respect, left alone or earning the opposite treatments in life. Theres a saying “asking for it” meaning not knowing what you have or relying upon others to be taught lessons or worse yet to see clearly, unfortunately we each are challenged to achieve this on our own like weight loss, it takes time to get the hang of things emotionally spiritually or intellectually but eventually you find your center again with help usually and in the comradere if others who stop allowing themselves to feel bad or engage in thinking and behavior that harps on those feelings in life.
Being someone with mental health issues (new diagnosis: schizophrenia) has been helpful in identifying what is off about my work product past, what was said well, when things looked organized, and think about what the causes were for anything that looked short not at length explained or viewed as short and insensitive. I think when it’s difficult to speak you say as much as possible identify first what’s important maybe not all the details have been explained yet so that’s a problem with blogging and writing online if you are not clear then it can be something that bothers you you don’t intend to make complicated or an unimportant read or detail to remember the significance should always be kept in mind when writing in a sensitive space read.
When you feel better the less sense things will make about moments when you described why you were not feeling well or bothering you that’s a mental health issue, why there are so many guided prompts for thinking I think this is a trend to help us accept and identify our own thoughts (start with something clear like a prompt then navigate your thoughts to focus on arriving to clarity with one issue at a time your focusing on, rather than focus on the negative and expect clarity to arrive when consumed by things that don’t feel good, for example: why my lulu.com book cover standard was not liked for my book because it was graph paper that they associated with bad things happening another school shooting involving an Asian engineer and notes).
Because I grew up at OJ house they think that I don’t have good thinking or that my thinking is wrong because the wrong things stand out to me or what stands out is by what I’ve been exposed to is not healthy or not relateable to others trying to be well to say I misidentify with the wrong people and accuse my thinking of being wrong or like people who commit crimes, I’m not that way I’m even-tempered aggravated and then tantrum (self-harm) when there’s nothing I can do then give up and get suicidal when life’s too hard (that’s now which you can’t go to the hospital for they only treat the beginning phases disorientation or tiredness not being able to focus function perform). I’m okay: Why I take meds…
It’s common to have nothing in writing or said just have a feeling and deciphering feelings and putting words and identifying issues are sometimes the last thing we have time for keeping track of what’s bothering us if you’re well most of it goes away and you never think twice about it I think it’s only with disability you start complaining why feelings are not reversible anymore, why you can’t just focus, why you don’t feel good. Why things can’t just work out, why things are difficult, what it is your saying that’s wrong, figuring out what to say to make things better, sometimes you can’t.
The issue with the book cover is focus, and risk, if the wrong people are reading or represented by your work what are the circumstances faced by those who don’t identify with who has identified with your writing or work. This was my first experience in how things look meaning what you do or say and what is thought of by what you do or say or what comes out if you, either purposeful to address a point or not, coming from within, your idea of your own making or another’s and then you think why. I think the issue is upon use as applied things can be in error and I’m not more cautious of how things look when something is shown and it’s viewed negatively if what you show thereafter does not feel good it’s because the first thing you showed didn’t do everything all together doesn’t feel good looking at what you have presented. That’s sharing on Instagram in visuals everything gets looked at as a whole how does it all relate and what is the story being told that’s in short either accepted or not accepted with being made to focus or read into what words of visuals offended or not stand out hard to see or remember or be left with.
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