Originally Published 08-14-22
Not handling things well today, it seems like things can be going well and things can still not turn out right, not with your haters, not with your followers, there always seems to be a dumbfounded wonder over my health, even when Im doing my best. We’re not perfect. Which makes me wonder what is expected of you. When I started out blogging I was a self-help blogger writing quotes, and wanted to build a more structured website that I paid smartsite for, which has been delayed over the past two years, so Im not sure whats going on with that. I also have not developed a full proof system that’s been working for me, since criticism, so Im too shy at the moment to develop any kind of course, which I feel like in making people will assume is being made for money, no I would probably hand out a course for free or workbook. I spend thousands of dollars on therapy and psychiatry so I would love to pick out things that are working for me and re-distribute them to my audience. Im sad that Alexa is retiring, I had a good run on Alexa 2020 and 2021, and really did my best to blog everyday. While people online may support my blogging, it’s not been supported by those closest to me, since being hurt, so it gets viewed as something that exposes me that then enables others to harm me. So I have had to seek work elsewhere. I’ve gotten three invites to interviews for law jobs, and a handful of blogging interviews and picked Level 21 because they were the first to accept me and cancelled all my other interviews, including one at a Life Coaching company. I cancelled my Life Coach certificate since being hurt online, because it makes it next to impossible to work one-on-one with someone if my privacy is not respected. I recently loss enthusiasm for blogging and running everyday, and this month slept all day on Prozac, and have since stopped the med. I used to get frequent headaches, and would have to drink Black Tea to stop a bad mood from coming on. I used to be more organized, keeping a notebook, that was how I kept track of my daily to-dos and build a website in the first place, I was really enthusiastic about coming up with ideas and thoughts for my blog, while struggling with mental health issues. It feels like things go backwards when I get hurt and I can hear and feel that pressure of whats going on with Leslie, or why haven’t we heard from her, all the “sell-out” mentality that governs when you don’t hear from people expecting they are unhappy or not on board, its not that I don’t care, I actually don’t even if everyone were making fun of me and that was the name of the “OJ Game” there is really nothing that I can do to stop that from making people feel good to include me as reference in that way. I’m sure most people would not feel loved if not supported, their good health, so I have never assumed that that in essence has ever affected my good health, as my good health should not affect your health or what makes you feel good. Recently I have been thinking a lot about what feels good and who feels good to me and who am I not bothered by, when you get hurt, it makes you not want to be around anyone, it makes you defensive and that feeling can convince you that others don’t like you and when you express yourself in that way that can convince people that you think people don’t like you or you get bad feelings when around people as though people are giving you bad feelings and don’t like you, and that’s not how my life is, just on bad days, I tend to get bothered more that usual. My life is not a joke, Im not a joke, and I have never knowingly expressed myself in some way online offensive, that I should be dishonored or dismembered as a functioning member or society who is doing their best to speak well, look well, sound well, and keep to myself and not affect others with my disabilities or problems in life. Seems like the higher up you go in popularity the more incentive for hate, to cast you out as some clown, I never asked to be Asian, and I never asked to be Jewish, I never asked to go to Private School, I never asked to move to Colorado, I never asked to be Single, and I never asked to be unemployed and discriminated as a woman in society, disrespected or ignored by others as though I have problems or unrelateable problems, the more it becomes a secret about you, the less you hear from others and that’s the sad fact about life. I was never asking to be hurt by anyone, Im not provocative, Im noted for “my honesty” is how my AA meeting describes me, I speak well of others, Im diplomatic, good natured, Im not obnoxious, I seldom tell jokes but have a sense of humor, I don’t see people as stupid, I see the good in others, Im not confrontational, Im not sexual I dont have sex and have not had sex since 2014 (I model instead), I make friends everywhere I go, I am well liked, personable, I have a sense of humor, I have personality, Im athletic, Im hardworking, Im very loving, Im loyal, Im tolerant, Im not judgmental, and I like most people and have never been in a fight in my life. I think the issue is how should I respond if I should be made jealous or appear out of the loop and not apart of, and thats just someone trying to play spokesperson to a crowd like they know me when they dont, I don’t need a spokeperson, I speak clearly and think clearly, whats not clear is that I don’t make sense to some people, who don’t understand why I self-harm or become frustrated in life when I have everything, thats not me on eggshells its just me not at ease, it takes me awhile to warm up to people. So no, I dont care if people having more fun with eachother than they are able to have with me, Im not bothered by it, and now I know what it is its them wanting to feel good with someone you are busy trying to make feel good, so if I can just eliminate myself from the picture, then they can have eachother, and thats what I do I leave relationships. So its not really about anyone talking about you, at this point its an actual website talking $hit about me and spreading lies and rumors, if any of it is true then call 911 and take it to court, since no one is doing that with all his lies online, means Im good, otherwise I would be arrested or sued if any of that was true, therefore its not true about me. When someone hurts your reputation, thats because they dont feel close to you, so they want everyone else to feel close to them, so you get alienated in life, to see how you react if others become more distant to you, it must be some “abandonment OJ parents game” about making fun of people who lose parents in life, and Im not having any of it, its not funny, and its rude and insulting to act like any of my issues have anything to do with what you think my life was like, it was never sad, it was never chaotic, there was never fighting, I was always even tempered and at peace. So who cares about who is bonded to any game of life, its what you see and can relate to, and maybe me being hurt is to create this personality of unreal feelings that I didnt have to turn me into some kind of person who has everything and then becomes unhappy when they are taunted or ridiculed, to put others on edge, like where is this coming from and why. I get upset when anyone dies, and I get upset when anyone commits suicide, and I get upset when anyone gets cancer, and I get upset when Im not allowed to get upset and people get upset with me like why am I not sick or dying, well I got HPV carcinoma cancer and almost died of Ovarian Cancer had two surgeries, and I got schizophrenia from some kind of game of life that didnt include me and continued to ignore me, thats why Im blogging, because if Im too much, then you guys are too much based on what you expect to hear from someone no one confronts, talks to, or corrects, or helps to make sense of whats going on by what is happening to me and why thats deserved. Ive not harmed anyone, so if anyone has a personal issue with me then take it to court, if you are not inspired by me living life not suicidal and overcoming learning disability going to law school and mental health issues, and having friends again and a boyfriend, then pay attention to someone else’s story thats connected to a billionaire to rationalize what is special or to love about me and my life, because clearly he doesn’t give a damn about me or my family, to put me in harms way and them for disrespect, homicide, suicide, and mental illness, because thats how people behave who they think are rich and unaffected, like they are for attack, and thats not okay, Im innocent, my family is innocent, and who are you to treat me as imbecile or uneducated Im not trash, Im not scum of earth, Im a human being, its you that are married had sex and made a child, so why the F are you attacking me like Im some empress queen of what life? I can barely stay alive on my own and not be bothered by everyone in life who is too F-ing important to talk to me or help me in life. So it doesn’t matter what people are saying instead of paying attention to what you are saying, want you to think twice about what they have to say, as though you should be hearing what others are saying, until you react or for reaction want to see you get pissed off, and get arrested, or commit crimes, and get angry and put you away in life, that’s how they get rid of people who they don’t think they can be helped, know all about, and want nothing to do with, that’s when they think there is something wrong with you to declare you mentally ill. Then why is it okay for everyone to be on these mental health apps, but its not okay for me to be on meds??!! How is that any different? They’re not even connected to celebrities, in a spotlight, defriended, broken up with, get ignored, and have jobs and friends, why do they need meds? Why is it weird that I take meds, whats the problem with me taking meds? Whats out of line about me talking, why am I not allowed to talk, whats too much about me? How am I supposed to sound, what am I supposed to talk about?
God bless my Parents for putting up with me, I can now say “I wish I was born.” They’re the best, the most by the book, conservative people I know, with no random thoughts, never say anything that I have to think twice about, always speak normal to me, positive.
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