Relax and Kickback …

If this were a group assignment, then I would be the editor, like I was in college, or in Law School for that matter “Can I see your contracts outline,” “sure” … big mistake. We are in the 4th month of recovery from the Laguna Woods shooting (May 15, 2022) [1], and the School Shooting in Uvalde County (May 24, 2022) [2], and recently locally there was a shooting by my work at the gas station where I buy cigarettes, and at Hollywood High School. Within the last month I have missed two weeks of work, and have decided to stay home, instead of pushing through chaos and headaches trying to perform under the pressure of negative assumptions or innuendos. I never really ever bought into the acceptance of communications not directed towards you, accept as a direct communication to me, I’m not that bipolar or schizophrenic. 

Meanwhile my psychiatrist dropped care after missing two appointments and have decided not to continue with the Invega shots monthly, which took some adjusting. It took more than a year to get used to the med, for the first 6 months I would wake up frequently in the middle of the night and same in treatment, I never really got used to the med, and gained 30lbs, so in my mind, although I had some bad experiences off Invega which made it seem like the appropriate medication for me, I don’t think that it’s necessary. 

As a character from an important story in history, which has influenced the success of those who are currently earning more than we could ever dream of, I don’t think Im one to take the spotlight from others, or change its condition, that’s not my personality type. I think as an important character from a story, the tendency is to want to do good in the world, help people, be supportive of those struggling, not someone to bring the house down, Im not that type of person, no matter how difficult my problems ever were, I never made it about anyone, that’s a later phase in recovery when you look back and are either resentful or hopeful, and some things you just don’t pick up again anymore, like what a reaction towards you was like, or how people talk to you, and who you are as a person, respected or not. It all matters later in life. 

I plan on returning to work on Monday, I think I have done everything I could to talk to courts, to stop the bullying towards me, and to follow up with a Detective to finish a Facebook Page take down request that needs to be filed by him through a specific portal on their website. It may not be your emergency but it was my emergency, and while I can’t change the minds of those who think Im stupid or sexual for sharing photos, it’s not like the rest of world dating is not doing the same, so Im not sure what the problem is, Im not asking for sex from anyone, I just started dating again someone Ive known since I was 21. 

Someone who knows you sees the good in you, and the same goes for who you are online, either you have the people skills, and the wit to handle any amount of stress, or you choose not to partake in online discussions, and share your two cents. I think in a darker world its easier to think in your mind, oh no one liked her, so they did drugs and died. I actually don’t think I was ever that important to be that disappointing or hard to work with in life.

It’s because they died I’m online being myself and sharing from my mind what I experienced in life during relapses or while sober how difficult life can be and never gave up anyways despite my hardships. I’ve never in a hurtful way referenced anyone or believed I was referenced to poorly in a way that could make me sick, to misdescribe how my life was or is now with being known as a writer.

Im not sure how others would feel hearing lies about me misdescribing me, Im only 37 years old, I have gone to as much schooling as possible, and have shopped and dress nice now, and bought makeup, I am prepared for attention. Then there are the years when people are watching you thinking you are some #freeoj campaign, and I started applying to law school before he was jailed, so that’s not true either.


Re: My IMDb Membership, I was introduced to IMDb Fall 2018 while working as an intern at a Film Distribution Company, my Boss later won an award for a Pulitzer Award winning story. So in my mind, if I’m going to share my story, and if my story is to ever be used in reference to illustrate another story or motivate the interests of anyone to tell their own story, then my influence should be kept track of, so that there is nothing being used from my blogs, that can be used to hurt me or anyone I know, to me it was only fair in sharing, I was never an underground campaign, despite the symbol on my Instagram, I have always faxed or emailed or sent letters to anyone I was interested in helping or working with through any dilemmas in life. I have attended one movie premier “Naked Gun 33 and the 3rd” when I was a child with my BFF and her family. Later at age 37, you learn that its by what people know about you that you are minimized or viewed as less important, and by the details you remember from your life made fun of, then your story becomes less special and loses its worth, or significance or importance.

I’m like everyone else sharing their story and introducing themselves to the world, out of respect for people you listen not critcize people for how they lived their lives, especially not a bunch of 40 or 50 year olds in paid positions, making fun of me a 30 something who interns and can’t find a paid job get hired. That’s not fair. This year was the first year that I have been hired and paid part-time to work, in law, and it’s because I graduated from law school that I get interviews and get jobs now. So far, since my Father has died, I got a job paid as he recommended, and I lost weight about 25lbs, and things are starting to improve when it comes to “voices” Im getting less taunting and negativity, or resentment directed toward me, like Im supposed to solve other people’s problems.

I think we all have problems of our own, and I have been doing my very best to be a writer, and not get into the nitty gritty details of the past, to me thats not funny, maybe to you it’s funny to think that upon introduction, gives you an opportunity to challenge or make small, simplify and not see things as being a big deal, well they are to me, I wanted my JD, and I didnt get one, because I left school for two weeks. It’s hard to solve if someone has a problem with you, who expects you to be well and to have lots of money and things to make you feel good. Im like everyone else, you have things when you are well, and when you are not well, you have less, or live at home, I was never one of those people growing up in my 20s and 30s I always lived alone, therefore its not my fault what was thought of me, because no one knew me, no one saw inside my home, or bedroom, and if for any reasons I was not impressive, it was because I did not have a paid job and because no one would hire me, so I blogged instead.

I’m proud of my blog right now I have been learning how to build a blog for years now, and have been working on my writing, and am taking classes to improve how I bring up topics and how I talk about life, so that its suited to a broader audience of this size, and be open to critcisms even though it hurts my head to hear negatives. I always do my best to be positive, and its unfortunate that some people can know of people and not respect them, I never thought that the standards were so high of being known, had I known that it was about looks, then I would not have gained 50lbs back, and stayed in my room for years, with my feelings hurt.


[1] https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2022-05-19/laguna-woods-taiwanese-church-shooting

[2] https://www.texastribune.org/series/uvalde-texas-school-shooting/

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