Early in my recovery off adderrall I put forward a solid effort and more of me was required to complete this program and given a hard time upon starting adderrall again 20 mg because of doing the treadmill all night spontaneously walked 15 miles, which shows the benefits of no voices for 33 days …. And that was hard earned. Being home remember what brought me to treatment calling 911, being out at night, not allowed to walk bar day time for a beer be out in public, and not allowed BevMo at home, eventually all liquor removed from home. 

What I was struggling with were voices and managing my writing and doing my best to write about what pain is caused by voices and prior reactions to get voices to stop would be to hit my head eventually made fun of and easily not the solution because hurting myself is only letting those opinions of me win which hurtful and untrue.

I’m also learning that by voices what people think matters and it controls like I write pointers for prevention to be aware of issues coming up during the past two years blogging and being there for others despite being dropped as a patient and discontinued working to rest.

It’s easily been humiliating with pointers directed at me including terms mentioned that I’m expected to focus on and by which all things in life are being interpreted as to communicate those terms and issues created by those terms and not be used as someone triggering a fight toward me as though I’m not a victim and for there to be some free for all experimentation with voices to see how my life is ruined and allow people to empower themselves by hurting me with voices.

I’ve not given up on myself, and clearly have no choice but to deal with voices that go away in a hospital setting or rehab setting and start again depending on my health and what possibly anyone could be mad at me about and justify giving of voices no matter what stage in my writing recovery or treatment I’m in.

What I couldn’t keep up with with voices is unnecessary closeness and forced convincing of how thoughts writing internal dialogue is made or what’s communicated from me, that iPhone notes were deleted based on being treated like hurting my heart and upsetting me was “pissing me off of causing me anger or frustration” whether that reflects voices or illustrated by me punching my head that’s my pain and suffering is not worth anyone’s peace no one’s peace deserves to watch me as a human being for reactions or writing or deletions of photos and writing explaining how permanent false terms used damaged me mentally and voices as experienced by me as a human being in life.

What’s clear based on dissatisfaction functioning off adderrall unable to keep up with php attendance and social skills issues, voices are occurring again and I’m assuming will get worse with more day meds, so if it’s day meds they don’t like, and if off meds they expected more of me to be lenient on # if days required php, given a hard time based on how I look appear speak speak tone smile which is my personality and ability to talk and read that goes missing when taken off day meds harder to function.

So that much about me misunderstood and pushing myself. So my current problem, although going to go to AA meetings again, is that if I can’t stop voices, and if I can’t function off day meds and more is expected of me look wise by a treatment team, and if courts stressful, and if being given more meds adderrall or Vyvanse I’m not allowed to run use for fitness or stay up late or message treatment explain to them what I’m going through call my mom to be told not message them, then what was wrong with me before not feeling compelled to explain myself or defend myself as to me doing well something they couldn’t see.

Means if you can’t stop onset of addiction staying up taking meds double dose and staying on treadmill to feel good focus on myself this presents a dilemma to my prevention posts hereforward how is prevention going to be excited through me imitated by others applied and work be sound reasoning if …. Me changing to an addiction on meds staying up at night reflects poorly on my ability to prevent if I can’t even prevent the causes for my own addiction.

Recently I was replied to hearing my story what stood out is to support anti gun violence organization Brady and be pointed out that I self harm and that that was weird to them I was concerned for anti violence and loosely called violent referring to self harm as violence directed toward myself so I guess their next question would be what I have to offer how would I be able to support anti-violence as a person who’s experienced voices self harm and suicide, that criticism is saying if hit my head I can’t help an organization concerned about others being harmed and what missed point is if I’ve been harmed and if that’s causing self harm instead of classifying me as someone who does something to themselves opposite to what or who I support stands for telling me I don’t fit who I support or calling me unfit for supporting Brady.

Therefore what was overlooked was how my experiences with mental health make me knowledgeable of present day pains and issues in thinking and although losing my battle with voices resulted in self harm and feeling suicidal I’m still here today. And being a good person if who I am recovered from self harm doesn’t seem like a person you think is capable of preventing a shooter or someone with mental illness from buying a gun and harming others, then insulting me is to reply as though I’ve said something that conflicts with who I support accusing me doing something violent (having suffered self harm) to say it doesn’t make sense how or why I support an organization I’m viewed as participating in violence as a self harmed rather than viewed as a victim who supports who bullied and not address me as though self harm disqualifies me from having issues related I can help others with including those who don’t wish for mental illness to be spread and used to justify gun violence.