Today is a day when I have lost progress experienced wellness discussed difficulty had bad days made every effort to be social and to have done my best and for my best effort to be good enough and considered a worthwhile effort to write if it’s on issues important to me. Unfortunately the ways I’ve failed by medications or insults I can’t control who’s winning or what’s predictable disappointing and the cause of voices but it would be in my best interests to not allow alcohol or substances to enable or give anyone voices permission to be hard on me or treat me as struggling or getting fucked up or drunk or wasted accuse me alcoholism or abusing substances without repercussion. It’s clear medication management trust compliance and being made fun of is something I will never find solution in or justified protected made fun as sick and called abusing substances and mistake my suffering as planned or about anything or anyone. Sometimes have to accept peoples limits and posts taken down or edits and maybe those are things unimportant my dedication to writing and for there to be no scientific explanation for destroying my writing ability presentation or battle with voices I wouldn’t give up if my feelings mattered so it’s clear hurtful terms and improvements by me never allowed me to overcome difficulty or credit me working hard struggling being punished and continue to make a joke of voices pills and question my own mortality comprehension of improvement versus given a hard time in life and accuse me relapse or failed sobriety being cause for illness clearly sobriety didn’t matter a the years home sober and being clean …. And not allowed to go out acknowledge a mistake but I never was a drug addict or not working hard stupid or let anyone down in recovery or addiction accuse me not having experience suffering. I’ve always done my best and maybe didn’t handle lawsuit punishment well and maybe this is something I won’t recover from and can’t explain and maybe my hurt is disappointing to others, it’s not been a situation I’ve been able to explain or follow orders punished and for my faith to be questioned in the end what is real and what am alive for and who am I protecting and what do I not have experience with? Love connection bonding humor embarrassment obesity rejection improvement I did my best. I’m sorry I can’t explain for losses well enough that I’m remembered as working hard and I’m sorry my experiences or life is used to interpret anything as hard to comprehend or not working out for me or others mentally. We have been through so much and I’m the most creative open honest willing model dealt voices for years used to talk to myself sing wrote in public not anyone who doesn’t value and appreciate what’s good about being loved valued and allowed to love be loved so that’s not an experience in life inappropriate.

I’m sorry that my dysfunction and attitude doesn’t match every bad painted picture of who I am on the inside of sound like and be accused of changed I think I’ve suffered enough. I can accept that damage is permanent what’s done to me should I be viewed as stupid offensive not well spoken intelligent of value sober deserving doing my best you can’t convince anyone you’re anything if anyone’s unhappy with your focus demeanor standing in life it’s not always your fault what’s sad about life or having concerns and sometimes I’ve never failed so bad that there’s been a difficulty about my team in life blog website or life that not everyone has effected by including me and it was never my blog or writing doing my best but always about treating me as guilty and not respecting my privacy using my health or stories from life as ways to accuse me of having genetic conditions or treat me like I should know that hospitalizing me makes me look bad or ever made my family look bad. Or treat me like disability is a choice if I worked hard it’s not a choice end of discussion. Be glad I recovered accept my limits appreciate my stopping points and accept my best work for solution. In a time of trauma disappointment isn’t going to help so please accept losing my battle with voices and reasons why terms the damage that’s been to my life recovery future health ….

#personalupdate