It’s become clear to me that instability is hard to understand, and that it’s also hard to comprehend why my blog is successful, without the credit of having earned an income through writing publishing books, only as a paid paralegal for my legal writing. I don’t view blogging as writing to some lesser standard, or consider my emotions or feeling, or health something imaged that is my fault. I’m getting the feeling that mental illness, is something people don’t want to deal with, and it’s unfortunate to make some example of what defines schizophrenia, after my feelings have already been hurt by websites, with damning descriptions of the diagnosis. So it makes sense why I’m writing about it, despite discomfort, and I think my discussions are honest evaluations of this disease and how I have been able to overcome this alleged disease that’s called genetic.

People get to know you for different reasons, and it’s not always about love. To me competition is being successful being who I am, having studied politics on my own, then be made fun of for which women have helped me or responded to me, be treated as less than, I think everything changed for me personally, when I stopped talking to everyone, and lost contact with SCOTUS, and discontinued emailing. That was my biggest mistake to inherit symptoms, or problems, directly related to my recovery or ability to succeed. In case it’s not clear that I represent everyone I know, including doctors who have treated me, or hospitals willing to help me. So losing wellness, is not about me not working hard to get well, suffering on meds, stopping life, not able to work, not a challenging experience, but I don’t think that living life, should be held to such high extremes, of what is considered sick, or doesn’t make sense, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I think once there is disagreement, there is no love, once there is lawsuit, there is a loss of respect an uncertainty about me or the gravity of punishment I’m facing misinterpret a Judge’s ruling, and the basis for making that ruling, will be because of who I am as a person. It was my mistake to write a research paper on gun violence, and to be forced to discuss mass shooting prevention in a set of documents submitted to OC Court, before my courtroom changed. Sometimes what you sound like when things are difficult, become reasons for people to judge you as disorganized or incapable, or not knowledgeable, and well studied on a few specific issues to address with sensitivity, and also not over address problems not occurring or in remission, to prevent them from happening again. It was my mistake to share how chaotic it was to work have a job paid, and my Dad died, and gun violence on Robertson, and a high speed crash by a nurse in an intersection that onlookers said “sounded like a bomb,” and trying to respond driving to OC after the Laguna Woods shooting. There has never been a time where its been all about me and ever been my fault, let’s be clear on how famous I am, and who was chosen by the President to speak out against mass shootings Kim Kardashian, so let’s be clear on what prevention is. The fear is based on my words, is not accepting I was raped, and humiliated online defamed, and no one could help me, no one responded, and all the times I called 911 trying to block this person, he may be forgiven, but it’s clear people don’t comprehend how a school shooting happens, and convinced anything is my fault hurt, I report everything, nothing happens to me that hurts me, that affects anyone else. There is nothing simple about being hurt or being diagnosed worse than you have ever been called in life, doesn’t mean I go around online or in emails, like I know anything, things are known by working towards solution, and demonstrating what you know, there is no training for managing these kinds of conflict, these rights to prosecute or find people wrong are reserved by the FBI and police, who prevent mass shootings.

I just have to accept what it means when someone says I don’t make sense, Ive never had a problem, with anything disfigured or wrong with me, always a top performer and athlete. So it’s hard to accept how these decisions are made, based on being hurt, using sex as an excuse for your worth or whether or not you deserve a job, is hard to comprehend the basis for negative judgement, is something that’s hard to understand and hurts to hear. When people are not proud of you and all that you have accomplished, or accuse you of being something you are not. Women are women and men are men, and Im a blogger who is almost 40, who looks young, so stats can mean whatever you think it means because of my face, chubby arms, diagnosis, who knows what people like, but accusing my energy of being offensive is not why people are reading. Im not living a life that puts anyone on the edge of their seat, I don’t have to write in public live life, Im not a TV Show, is not what treatment is for, and clearly facing illness at home is not what meetings are for, so again we have the issue of who I am, who is responsible for treating me, then suddenly concerned if I take meds to work or go back to my job, and miss my Saturday meeting to see all my friends. That’s how voices stalled me, stopped me, forced me to write for days in a row, and still didn’t stop. It’s not a emergency that Im late to, its about creating imagined emergencies, going against my feelings, or accusing my energy or decision making, as prompted or changed by any voice. I think once the government thinks its okay to go through my accounts and steal conversations, it’s okay to assume what voices are to begin with. Again I have worked online for 10 years and I keep everything and work hard, all my steps, all my ideas, all my phases, all my pictures, and all my blog posts, are saved, so no one took too long, me included, and no one was too late. Being hurt is simply an example of disability you face if you are hated or disliked and cannot prove you are not prompting their attitude or confusing their beliefs or direction in life, and so I can go on living life well, alive. Sometimes the problem starts when its a “us vs. them” or “you against who” are tell tale signs of a person to not be empathized with, and how to view others in the positive and how you get viewed in the negative. Life is all about being at peace and being a nice person, sometimes people learn from you and become trusted experts on a diagnosis, and sometimes I lose respect based on comparing me to the doctors who have helped, me or for no positive life experience to be good enough to prevent voices. What will make people happy when I get sick, what is the solution in declaring me as sick, so I can’t work, accuse me of having problems that scare people, or accuse me of being given problems to broadcast my attitude toward being bullied, as some noticeable discomfort or change in my audience stats to justify whats likeable. What’s not likeable is getting voices, whats not likeable is being called schizophrenic, what’s not likebable is my head deformed or face, what’s not likeable is disabling me taking me off necessary day meds for disability I suffer from, and especially from as fought, accuse me of not working hard to speaking out of boredom. It’s hard to stick up for yourself and explain why you could be being hurt, and for no one to hurt you to be scared or made upset, and for nothing unfortunate to me shouldnt work out, to blame me or my advice given online.

I think it’s clear on what stops being helpful is this constant expectation for me to act like nothings wrong, or I havent been through a lot, and this constant non-acceptance of me being supported or getting a different diagnosis, you never know who’s on what team in life, or what people are scared of, until you are on your own, unstable, and away from everyone, makes clear whats my responsibility, my own instability, and it’s clear fighting terms hurtful to my identity, is nothing anyone wants to hear and hard to accept what was done to me, so this becomes an issue of whats real acceptable discussion, to whats no acceptable for discussion. I would never bring up voices, if Ive not struggled in a way and become successful. And maybe getting a heart condition after sober living, isn’t about losing day meds, it’s about being able, and functioning as an able human being, who is capable or working, and doesn’t need to be stuck in some world of conflict or heart attack conditions, like anyone else can stop that from occurring to my body, is my responsibility.

So I’m sorry if Im being judged in the negative, and Im sorry for which terms address signify a mental illness that causes anyone to think my thoughts or thinking is inappropriate. Ive also come to accept that I cannot talk to anyone, based on not being able to afford sharing in private or not writing down important statements that get lost in therapy in unrecorded conversations. I also recognize that being online isn’t therapy to suit my needs only, and aware that if Im made to fight and that causes a loss of followers, that’s how I am damaged in life, to be viewed as not capable of helping a vulnerable population such as the UK in the middle of their crisis. I get that I’m not allowed to complain, otherwise I get sick, then get accused of threatening anyone, and also get that I cannot write to anyone, or be out in public alone, based on what I sounded like on Invega. I’m just glad to have overcome disability due to the meds and able to write again. The improvement that needs to be made, if this is a team effort, and if 300k is considered a community, would be for my life to be perfect offline and online, and my recordkeeping and logs to be perfect and provide proof of earning 300k.