Eventually if enough things change it becomes a question of what is your reality, and ability to tell the difference between a mood or temporary feeling, from any permanent disability. Being able to understand your feelings is key to making progress, no matter what your symptoms are and for no matter how long they last, recovered from, or a permanent disability. When I think of the best way to describe what voices are, is the difference between figuring out why whoever doesn’t like you and whats provoking into existence that voice or attitude toward you, and to keep reflecting on who you are and how you are living your life, not lend any truth to be called things you are not. So much about the life you have, versus the life you are capable of losing is being able to tell between whats a “what if” and what is your actual reality. Being too late to prevent someone from hurting you is common, and is the best way to describe voices, hearing things that hurt you that your too late to prevent or stop, to me that’s what bullying voices are. Bullying voices are people who I imagine forget who I am, or think they are better than me or smarter than me or entitled to hurt me, or call me things Im not, or justify exposing me or violating my privacy in ways, Im made to sound mentally ill or not put together successful doing everything right and not hurt. I think being successful is about how you weather fears from the reality of suffering a devastation and being prepared, this is what not affording taking chances in content or emotions is about being online. If there is no way to stop anyone from hurting you using computer or phone, then as far as Im concerned, the best way to deal with a “what if” that hasn’t happened yet, being of value and having all my photos and emails, means I shouldn’t waste time with an unrealized happening I’ve not feared or thought about upon making decisions in how I password protect my data and accounts, not let that be possible.

I think voices are a big “what if” something that’s not happened yet, that talking about creates a risk of happening to you in real life. I have worked so hard to have a life, and know what life I came from, that its hard to imagine at my age, that suddenly Im supposed to be on meds, and be compared to anyone else to determine my abilities or be able to tell if Im successful or not. Eventually you can work so hard, go to law school, write online, and get jobs, you wonder whatever have I done in life to deserve this “what if” of voices, and think about what is your responsibility to disclose about how you’ve been hurt. I think being a survivor of bullying is what makes you strong and able to help others, I never said that disability isn’t permanent, and never suggested mention or public discussion as not taking risks with my mental health and image, I simply can’t afford at age 38.

There is so much going on, and so many unhappy people. When I think of what voices could be it’s like forcing me to experience a huge “what if” how should I feel or respond or prevent voices Im viewed as imaging being mean to me, and then focus on the reality or reasons for dislike. I think voices represent people who think they are entitled to treat you as stupid and think they are smarter than you simply because they have money or jobs, or viewpoints they don’t think you’ve ever thought about or discussed on your blog. I think voices represent people who think being hard on me or insulting me, is to make me struggle without recognition of all that Ive done to recover, to me voices represent people who think I have it better or my life is easier, or treat me like I have created advantage or opportunity in life, that Im not handing out for free, and works for anyone, trying to get through struggle relative to their own lives. You can’t make up wellness or how to get a job, if I achieved it I can teach it, and if what Im thinking prepared me for job acceptance, then Im assuming voices is treating me like Im not teaching others how to think or giving them access to viewpoints to spare them the risk of mental illness, relapse, or death due to any misunderstanding or advantage period. To me voices are people who prevent you from living life, they isolate you, theyre abusive, and they don’t allow you to have a life and have people in your life, it’s a condition occurring when alone, intended to expose some alternate imagined version of who you are or were, not demonstrated in photos over a 10 year period, and questioning your honesty or truthfulness.

Voices ultimately represent the “what if” in terms of who I am, what nationality I am, question my face or weight or fitness or work history, and created to represent some kind of disapproval of me, another huge “what if.” I think so long as I discuss voices, it’s not saying what these voices could be a creation of not happening to me in life, or be said and for no one to care if hate or dislike happens. Therefore it’s important to discuss in what way “voices” or discussion of voices puts me at risk of harm. I think “voices” or diagnosis, forgets that I grew up close to a celebrity family and a great person, athlete, student and popular at every school I attended, to me voices represent this alternate version of me, expected to justify time away from everyone, as not well spent, as though I ever lost friends, or lost things because of something Ive done or said wrong, that’s whats not true about voices. Voices represent people who think that victimizing me, or bullying me, is doing a justice to anyone Ive not harmed. To me voices are people who don’t like me, based on justifying their feelings or perspectives or sickness as my responsibility to cure or demonstrate a response to answer the big “what if” what do I sound like being attacked, how do I look, and challenging me to offensive language to question how I perform in a fight, even if it’s some imagined symptom, that gets worse upon talking about it. To me voices represent people who don’t consider my disability or physical challenges in an appropriate way, are people who consider my life is not what it is, or accuse my fitness or face or photos as something worse in real life, question who likes me online and why, if not my writing or face, and not because of OJ, or appearing in court. Sometimes what voices can’t figure out pursuing an outing and delusion of “terms hurtful” is a way to get people who know you or see you to think that you are sick, and that’s the motivation behind anyone calling me anything hurtful or sick, is that they don’t care if Im alive loved, they don’t care about my connections and the value of who I know or the value of my friends on Facebook, it’s people who victimize me then pretend like they are victims of me, trying to grow an existence of dislike toward me, use me for attack, is not the solution. To me voices are people privileged to get away with hurting me, and forcing diagnosis untrue by unproveable conditions not imagined by me, and not coming from my life. Like I’ve said and I will continue to say, Ive been honest to the best of my ability on controversial treatments and diagnosis, I have been clear on not being able to work and how disability has challenged me in life, and I can’t afford to get sick, or be attack, accuse me of being someone online who get’s attacked, and refuse to accept being called inappropriate or be insulted. To me voices create a “what if” of not being liked, or imaginging dislike, while forcing me to viewed differently, the only solution for racism or anti-semitism or race and disability issues, is to love myself even if I have to address each type or group of people such as Black Lives Matter, Brady, Women’s March, Slut Walk, White Supremacists, Mass Shootings, School Shootings, Bullying, Sexuality, as many times to see how I speak to people who get attacked, then reflect on my life, no matter what is being used to treat me like Im not attractive or not loved, or wanted, and figure out in what way as someone who models, who’s been seen naked, and shows photos online, should ever deserve to hear voices, discriminating me on the basis of sexuality or being chaste, if these were things that once inspired me, Im sorry I don’t have a solution for “voices” accusing me of not being loving or not of value, or not being a person who improves the chances of being picked or being hired. Anyone who creates a voice “spoken through me” doesn’t care about my mental health, doesn’t care about my writing or my truth, and so long as anyone is trying to ruin my life, weight, and work performance, I’m allowed to be clear on setting boundaries and fighting back, not put up with people’s unhappiness, life isn’t a team, of people equally surviving, life is about which “voices” are coming from which people types using me to be changed. I don’t need to be called something in order to figure out my chances for preventing a mass shooting, all you have to do is hear what I would say to each offender to hear my version of negotiation or handling crime, hate, or violence. Sometimes you can’t represent a solution, that you have not spoken to directly, and sometimes if you are being insulted and it cannot be proven, means to be alone, and stop communicating, and be defensive, shout, if Im getting a heart condition and chest pains, wonder what is real, caused by what, accuse me of some imagined reality, not fit for magazine or TV or publication, and I refuse to to let anyone’s “rejection, dislike, not a match physically mentally” prevent me from living life and having a life, friends, or a boyfriend and a job. It’s no one’s job to reject me, change me, or need to observe me to know who I am, or get a positive review. I can be whoever I want to be in life, do my best, and I don’t have to network, follow anyone’s lead, discuss voices, prove or disprove a diagnosis that has no cure, “schizophrenia” all I have to do is be smart, get a job, and date again. As far as Im concerned “voices” occurring means to not model, lose weight and get fit, stop using Instagram, stop talking about symptoms, or question how that diagnosis was made, and continue living life, in my preferred reality of being known by 300k people online, being on Alexa a top blogger and website compared to recognized brands and women bloggers. And be someone who gets listed and interviewed and mentioned for who I am. I don’t deserve to live a life about “voices” hurtful terms, or misidentification of who I am, or use sexuality not occurring period, or promise to quit for the rest of my life, as some issue not reflective or related to what voices Im hearing saying what. To me Im a human being, who happens to be a lot of things you think people hate, reject, or bully, and so long as I work on my websites, and book, I can be anyone I am because of who I am, no matter what trauma I endured, no matter what anyone thinks, and no matter who’s hurting me “voices.”

Written: 06/02/24.