I’ve been taking a break since May 28^th from writing, and things seemed to have gotten worse for me voices wise. I thought going out and being social and drinking would help, but it only made me more subject to criticism, sometimes I forget that Im watched and what the basis for criticism is. If its not me recording everything, then theres bound to be someone else recording everything. That’s what voices feel like, you don’t get to be alone in your own body, constantly bothered, and tormented, its as though theres a recording device in your body that others speak to that you can hear, that’s what voices feel like. So this is how writing helps, if not writing, then it got worse on the basis that I was not speaking, not writing and recording. So that’s how life becomes difficult, that’s when sickness takes over and I lost my battle with voices, which by now is punching my head or shouting to leave me alone. Not much has changed since I first experienced voices, when I slammed my head into the wall to make the voices stop. Sometimes you think that meds will make things better, but have found that on Abilify is when voices started, to me it occurs when you are doing less, it’s as though you can hear who is talking to you, but you don’t know where the voices are coming from, this is how a break from blogging helps, to get settled and to get strong again. I just switched to Vyvanse and wanted to stop taking adderrall, in addition to discontinuing dating someone who Ive been seeing since last Spring, things weren’t working out on the basis of my mental health, it’s just too much to keep track of and calculate, your health, and also whats bothering you or what you are going through, its usually not relationship material to have mental health issues, so that was a risk that I took with my health, to work on a commitment, and a physical relationship with someone else after hospitalizations, so since that is not working out, Im also staying home and keeping sober. I had a positive experience out alone, minus one fight that scared me and ended up shouting sick, so that’s what that was, nothing that I post online. So please excuse me being scared and for there to be something to fight about, my own health and safety needs. This is how voices bullying doesn’t help, sometimes I feel like people would rather reinforce a code of being about making fun of me, instead of respecting me, pointing me out as embarrassing, and not respecting the difficulty of my journey, or what Ive been through or where I am from. It will always be an easier life for someone else who is not you looking in from the outside, and maybe that’s the problem with blogging, people looking at you from the outside, so who’s sense of peace matters when my sense of peace is disturbed by voices, my peace then matters, regardless of what the basis for peace is among others outside of me. The purpose for blogging is not the create a space from which I stand that is difficult, I would not have functioned graduated or gotten jobs healthy not hospitalized on meds as prescribed and able to help, had I been mentally ill or not able to perform and respond in times of crisis, that’s now who I am someone who gets sick, or gets sick at the expense of others, I am someone who worked starting with nothing as a blogger who now gest jobs interviews, and that credit and achievement I created for myself that opportunity in life, by being a good person, and writing well and helping others. That I don’t need a peer support certificate for, I live inside a body of a person whos been hospitalized, I know the struggle I know ho long the recovery process takes, and Ive overcome suicide and attended law school,. So maybe that much is misunderstood in the event that Im shouting or punching my head, maybe that isn’t recorded online and maybe that is something that’s held against me in tech as recorded, but never have I ever given up or been suicidal or suggested lethal harm to myself, so that’s loosing to voices. Voices is a side that is against you, in the 10 years of blogging there has never been a side against me, so maybe that’s the misunderstanding of mental health, as there being a competing force against you in life, that is bringing you down or causing you sickness, so that’s not my side in life and that doesn’t reflect the 80,000 readers to my website, who want what is best for everyone, and are neither victims or people turned offenders through exposure to me, as far as Im concerned there is nothing that Im doing to myself or to anyone, that anything would occur to anyone or anyone elsewhere, if that’s the miscommunication about what is God and who has the power to heal others and make others feel safe, then that is the lesson of fear, whether you are a “voice” who considers yourself capable of scaring me or making me sick, I have been alive enough years in life and have struggled enough times, that because that’s never been an issue, its now not an issue either, nor any code of misunderstanding based on any truth about me. Never in my life would I consider myself to be held responsible for anyone who considered themselves saved and thinks in addition that my struggle has anything to do with their health or formation of reality and what is, when it comes to interpreting code, that’s a gift that everyone inherits, the ability to feel smart, to feel open to learning, and putting themselves together and what they find meaning in in life, that’s the aspect of life that everyone gets to contribute to a deeper meaning in life. And maybe that’s what gets lost in bullying, the reasons for it, or what it looks like, or the causes for it, Ive never been anyone bullied, therefore I do not need to acquire a non-existent fear of bullying be treated as responsible for, Im not asking for it, nothing happening to me is my fault or anyones, and the basis of my health will be based on what Im (1) doing and what Im (2) saying. -I think giving up when it comes to voices, is about not putting up with bullying and sticking up for yourself no matter how its caused, so that’s not me being a bitch, or defensive, or hard on anyone, it means Im not allowing for a space for anyone to be close to me, and not accepting of anyone being close to me on the basis of making me feel bad, or pretending to be close to me on the basis of any code, I think acceptance is something that you work on your entire life, there is not story that makes everyone love you or come to understand you, it’s a place in life unbothered that you consistently work toward each and every day  so that you are not bothered and respected, not if and jokes about it, I am where I am in life, and not dragged down to the bottom of any hierarchies or health related concerns in life, on the basis that I don’t give up, and voices is nothing to do with suicide, I think voices telling me things I don’t want to hear, has oddly turned me into a person who says things that do not illustrate that I am willing to work through voices, and pretend like that’s not happening, so to address my physical health and condition, on the basis of turning orange the other day, was me freaking out and writing upset at any point, and there being a physical medical emergency, so that’s when your physical health is failing from a condition that cannot be prevented, and no matter how many times you say stop they don’t stop, means that your boundaries are not respected, so what is rape? If your peace and sense of clarity is not respected and another feels entitle to intrude upon your physical space head and heart, in what way is that not rape and unwanted touching of your head and heart, who is entitled to that much torture in life, so me fighting is saying that Im doing my best and I don’t deserve that. So while those conversations cannot be forgotten me fighting voices on Twitter, now you know where its coming from, its not my attitude in life, its an attitude toward me, and treating me as though Im upset by anything, or have that be a joke. I know who I am and what I have to offer the world, and maybe Im not special and not paid, but I don’t deserve to suffer by voices, and if I have to dedicate the next 10 years to combatting voices, then that is something I will work on, and not let anger towards me, turn into me taking out an anger towards me on myself, that’s not what self-harm is about, and self harm does nothing to prove how voices are caused or for what reasons. One day whoever is hurting me will come to comprehend what life and peace is about, so that no disturbance elsehwhere is viewed as  by-product of anything made or created within me, not displacing anyone else of their peace and sense of reality. Once day you will come to understand the value of a human being, and its not about placeholders and who is who, once day you will learn that what makes others feel good and feel good about knowing eachother, is that sense of stability that can be achieved between people of respect, and quiet gratitude for one another, and not be mistaken as someone who doesn’t have the grace and attitude and personality of a person who is successful such as myself, that much about me cannot be taken away, so while others seek to determine theie peace based on my health, Im not after anything that’s working for anyone, so you can guarantee that my outlook in life and what I have to say is not mirroring any reality in life, that is pointing out any flaws in any other human being. Knowing this value respect for yourself and others, and know that sometimes insecurity is the most human thing about us, not something anyone can read or determine looking at you, and sometimes whats most valuable about a code is what makes people feel smart, mature, and capable, no code is predetermined or only realized by people on the outside, code is something that is also realized and made for those who are known and celebrities too. So if this blog serves any function, its not an imagined attachment detachment, joke, and especially not an abandonment separation joke, its me here everyday for 10 years and consistent for 7 years, never in that time have I ever contemplated suicide or spoken in a way that I would not want to be heard or repeated, so learn from my experience that if voices are causing you suicide and if you feel like you are being attacked, stick up for yourself, don’t allow it to occur, stand in your own shoes, be alone, stop socializing, and stop dating, and prove your wellness on your own without help from anyone, and that’s how you know who doesn’t give up. Not everything is about treatments and group therapy or therapy to prove to you who is good or doing well, eventually things become too much and that including less interaction in your life, is my solution for getting strong again, at some point my health has to be respected as I am happy to be me, and pleasant in my own life, and not everything in life is about improving or others improving at your expense, that’s a good time to back off and focus on yourself, everyone matters, so the more that Im valued for my health, my hard work, blogs, and writing, the less difficult it will be to accept my battle with voices, so because it is happening I think it’s the shouting that’s not forgiven, then I wont shout about anything, no matter how difficult my life is and just like I respect the peace of others, I would hope that my peace is respected to, that not everyone will get along and value eachother, and there may be differences, but to comprehend that things are not mixing well with me that if my body turns Orange, that’s proof that Im under stre3ss and doing my best, so to also respect my peace to be given a few to days to rest and that is I not in my best interests to write when I am fragile or struggling, or even shouting is no ones business. So that’s was my writing break, improved lost weight 140s, and gained weight got voices, punching my head, so clearly that is not the solution, nor is being social, or drinking 1-2 drinks, so if its in sobriety that Im getting voices and anger toward me is causing me a medical emergency, then keep writing until my body gets strong and my mind gets strong, and things aren’t hard on me, and when things aren’t hard on me, then you will know who I am well for, what my shoes are for, and what gifts I have to offer the world, being alive.