For the First Time in My Life …..

For the first time in my life, I just gave up, and when I decided to not write and give up would drink. And I’m sorry that I hurt myself, suffered emergencies that could not easily be helped, made me look bad talking to the police, and perhaps addressed some confusion in regards to whats related, or how badly was I hurt that anyone is believed to have responded poorly. It was never true that just one woman could help everyone, and since that one woman was hurt everything else expected to go right got suddenly reversed, whether that be an underground trend, or an official production of work on Weebly to which I applied for awards and credited for publishing for free my written compositions. In the end it’s not the FBI Report, or the Lawsuit that should confuse anyone about my condition or what to expect. It’s simple I went to the ER after getting voices, and sat in the ER for more than 5-7 hours, waiting to meet with a psychiatrist, just like any other patient waiting to be seen, the emergency room is not a place to get fixed in a rush, it’s a safe place to be interviewed and for a doctor to make an assessment of my condition in regards to my safety or the safety of anyone else reading or exposed to me. That’s incredibly difficult to get voices, and still be able to write online, without looking bad, and without there being a fight against me. It’s clear that I can’t literally fight back, since I have pancreatitis and a heart condition which if it worsens requires me to have heart surgery sometime in the future, and is being closely monitored with meds.

Life can be overwhelming, but like me, if you know you should stay sober, drinking isn’t going to make life any easier, especially with court stuff, online bullying, or having to submit police reports on what I think it’s usually that something I see or think I tell them, it’s really not about studying people or reactions or opinions, it’s based on my experience what I feel is an issue and why and sometimes simple explanations are better than to allow any unjustified system of bullying or punishment to take its toll on my psyhe or anyones, no one deserves to be treated as guilty, and voices doesn’t mean that you are guilty or have guilts, or should know how to prevent, sometimes voices happen, when the wrong people are identified as sick, and people take their anger out on me, which isn’t reality, would be schizophrenia to think that people think poorly of me, hate me, or don’t like me, or resent me, are mad at me, or angry at me, I’ve not done anyone wrong in life. If anything people have benefited from knowing me and so have I, that’s the best way to see things. Once you become concerned with sides, its unfortunate to be someone who is hard to talk to, and I’m sorry if whoever pretended to be a spokesperson connected with my fans without my permission, and have no idea what he said to them, including on a hate site, I don’t think he knew me well enough and I didn’t say or send anything risqué or political to provoke that type of reaction toward me. I don’t think his recent comment, using OJ and Nicole to justify him having anger or homicidal feelings toward me, to say that that’s normal, you know this is my life, not just your political theory you are using to justify hurting me, we aren’t married, we aren’t dating, we are not in love, he simply supported me, he doesn’t respect my peace and quiet, he messages me too much and expects a reply and if he doesn’t get a reply right away starts fighting me and insulting me. Who has the energy for that. I can’t afford to have a person in my life, who I am punished for, and he gets away with everything, and all of a sudden use his opinion on mental health, doesn’t make him the expert for reading my work, doesn’t make him my caretaker, so people empathize with him, and hurt me, who in the end should matter, everyone basically, not waste time forcing me to write about a person, who people believe can just be blocked, like that’s going to solve anything, it wont.

So drinking again only lasted less than a month, before getting sick and throwing up 4 days in a row. Taking me to a much more painful place in life, losing my 7 month sober date, and having to start over. These are the types of downs in life you just have to swallow, almost at your best, thought you were at your best, and next time learn how to handle a little criticism, not rebel and give up and drink, well now all of a sudden I should become alcoholic, doesn’t seem like me, to not write, or bottle up a problem, so on my end I made less progress, and I’m sure as a group of people who follow me, perhaps, making less progress on your end if so dependent upon me to state a topic or reference a story to follow. I don’t think I’ve ever been easy to follow, any journalism names or news mentioned takes a extreme amount of courage and huge amount of pressure to submit something online, it’s not an easy type of writing, to share your thoughts, however political.

Easy ways to lose your audience, I’m sure, including giving up and not writing, based on getting voices, which is why I removed all posts reference the “p” word, and all unpublished posts taken down, at this time, its better to be relevant than to read something old, I was unsure about then, but later proud of how I sounded well. So don’t be too hard on yourselves, just because I’m a self-improvement blogger and writer doesn’t guarantee that my writing or my health will improve to the extent that all can witness or be proud.

We just hope that as much as you focus on me or yourselves, you’re able to see that difference in yourself, what comes to mind, and what key takeaways you have registered about me or my story. We are probably at that point in time, with so much international growth, that concerns for “world peace” “antisemitism” “black lives matter” “crime” are issues in life that I would like to keep “mental health” according to Leslie Fischman separate from what’s ongoing and war related. I would like to consider myself liked by all politicians, representing myself from my own story and able to help others, feel special, and add some human perspective to how money is made and why.

It wouldn’t make sense to not be successful too, I think based on my work experience and education, this made me a great fit for blogging, in addition to my love for building websites and learning how, taking General Assembly courses, studying online, and willing to work on any platform. Started with Weebly, an lesser known platform, then moved on to WordPress, start anywhere. I think it’s a great idea to refer to the 17 million stat compared to similar websites teaching blogging, and maybe reblog those articles and tutorials I wrote learning as I go, teaching back. That’s something I would like to get back to technical writing or websites offer support.