Written 11/19/22. Likes: 3,968

Since I am not doing well to the standard of a psychiatrist and a therapist who treated me and the OCDA office who confronted me will not talk to anyone except for the FBI and the police until I am well and discontinue all romantic texting and not contact anyone until I am well. I have one audition to submit.

I was invited to the Shorty Awards this year but did not attend, I bought a suit, because of the conversations that I was made to have to whether or not I deserve to be there and network and whether I am someone in good standing.

It was important I talk about the recent shootings, because I am a member of Brady, so it’s important to discuss how one can be affected in the event there is a shooting and you support non-violence and to condemn shootings not incite violence. As a blogger this is a daily goal to speak on subjects that don’t offend or anger anyone or leave unsettling emotions. Either you are likeable and say things well, or you miss issues or confuse your audience. I’m not one to take advantage of the feelings of anyone who is new or trying to conform to what attitude is best.

It’s always okay to care even if it hurts and there will always be ways to better situate yourself mentally so you are not easily affected, but who is immune these days, I think it’s shocking to all of us.

No its not common sense and yes it is preventable (I believe that shootings are preventable) and the harm that can be caused to people when someone who is preventing is harmed (how that affects what people think or what they perceive to be a risk and why, why does reputation matter)?

I am no stranger to losses but I do not need to be physically and mentally hurt for all relationships to fail, a job discontinued, a 3rd interview not invited, and be confronted by OCDA, therefore if I am considered to be mentally ill, I am taking medications.

I do not understand why I am not trusted or why I get voices, or where pressure comes from, or why I get tired but I do my best. I know that Im not mentally ill if the issues is job title or what Im capable of then whatever I want to do in life will be ruined, there are those who deserve things in life and people who are treated as guilty or not deserving and made to suffer, so as peace agreement will not blog for 2 weeks (cancelled) and not talk to anyone so everyone can figure out whats too much, and not be treated like Im too much or be blamed for death including in my family.

Im not the addict or alcoholic that you have to treat as non compliant I attended AA meetings I sometimes speak at meetings I study on my own and I write, I am accountable there is no secret condition only insult and torment which occurs when Im doing well, I cannot be well if people are treating me as sick, so either you take it to court and sue me, or I can stop blogging for 2 weeks, so you can test to see whether “public consciousness” improves like I need to be put away or am doing something I am not supposed to do working, or loving Todd, or dating older, or trying to rekindle love with Rob.

Everything is too hard right now, no one takes me seriously, and everyone treats me as a joke, so whats too much is that I would work acting and play under the direction of words written for me, then to be someone who people read, then pretend that I am not well or who I say I am, and then be bullied, I was known for my writing not my autobiography, because I was at peace, working hard, and doing my best.

This year was so hurtful in so many ways and the last 3 years and I was suffering and put on medications sedated like I was going to flip out or say the F word at who, who would I be mad at, if my heart breaks and Im no longer wanted, that takes healing, God controls who people feel good by, so please stop breaking my heart as some joke, and ridicule me like Im unimportant or unimpressive I made it to the Shorty Awards I did not have money to buy the ticket, I would have gone well at 1pm. Fine.

So its because of choices or things Im doing that a reaction already occurs before at state of mind is maintained, I never lie, I am only as well as I am, and if Im not well and cannot fix my condition I do not need a doctor to attack my credibility bond with people who will not talk to me, and then hurt me like I hurt others, who entitles you to punish me, or treat me like I hurt people I love I do my best to stay well for them, its hard to be a woman who you have to be well to talk to them to maintain a bond build a relationships comfortability talking.

Why would I hurt someone who is doing well who I love, how is that my fault, that means the guilt you are placing over my head and the testing for reading into things is so intense and Im not reacting, which makes what inappropriate that Im speaking well, you dont have to hurt me to upset me to see me talk stupid and be hurt to be rejected to prove a point that your opinion is superior to mine, then why dump me as a patient then offer to help me.

Talk to OCDA and called 911 to call my psychiatrist and they can tell them what is wrong with me, why they got mad at me for working, and why Im being treated as not struggling, WORK IS PAINFUL, starting when the pain starts to when the day ends, and then I go to sleep as soon as I get home, thats using all my energy and brain power, so blogging is not a lush job either I represent myself, my family, my schools, my relationships, whos in my life and I do not want to be the sad sick person in common who anyone worries for or feels sorry for, and Im not also not to be hurt like I relapse or take too many meds, life is real, its painful, and things dont work out, so be it.