Being diagnosed with schizophrenia means that I have disability and a disability upon disclosure that causes disappointment and lack of enthusiasm in who I tell, otherwise an unnecessary heartbreak. It’s a term that upon telling people, they expect less of you, they don’t want to waste their time helping you, they expect for the worse, and that’s how you go from being smart to stupid looking. It means who you were, you were never, and based upon your experiences in life, either it’s a superficial punishment of you, as though that’s proper procedure based upon whether the view is not impressed as observed. This is what happens when you save everything in your computer, and people study your history or what you looked like or what your friendships were like. I think the more anti-psychotics you get put on the more disabled you are, the less active you are, the more difficulty you have moving, and talking. One psychiatrist asked if I was autistic, I think I enjoy writing not so much speaking.

Im sorry that I disappointed Todd visiting him at his house for a job, at the time it had been many years since my last job, and needed a favor, a starter job, before going on to seek employment in a paid position, to me that was a good idea. What turned out to be a bad idea, was to log my progress everyday to him in private and through email, sorting through all the things that I have endured with this diagnosis and share my outlook experience and what I think about life, so that it is known what I know, or what I think, or how I respond. I think what gets viewed as inappropriate are the later stages of fun and love, which occurs many years after talking to someone, its when you get a break and things are good and you get to be silly, to me that’s a rare opportunity, I think Im someone who is already uptight conservative, and I have done my best to loosen up and to still be appropriate around others, and speaking wise.

I get that although 70 million people know me only by writing, that doesn’t mean that Im successful, so my energy may be misunderstood as weak, or going gone, and under or over the hill, or reflective of a mind that is dumb, or has taken things too far, blank, and I am in not any of those stages I am put on many medications that make me slow, and there is no point of awakening to any higher state of mind necessary for me to know what to say or how to be, I think that occurs automatically for me. Sorry to photo and be pleasant and enthusiastic, I feel the same way of things becoming too much, and scary, and Im sorry if you viewed me as “stalker” had I not talked to Todd for two years everyday, I wouldn’t have skipped a thought and driven to his house to see him, what skipped my mind, was punishment, and doing something you are told not to do, you wont understand, in what way hurtful. Being someone online everyone sees me and reads me, people who hate me, know me, don’t know me, competitive with me, challenging me, prosecutorial toward me, to embarrass me, the list doesn’t end, so I am one to recognize that it is dangerous out, I wouldn’t think that I would be suspected as a person who is dangerous. I think I get bullied that is why I am scared looking, and Im not at ease and pleasant because I wanted to talk to Todd, not his Wife that day. I have worked hard to share my thoughts, theories, and solutions, I even had to create a theory and solution of prevention and execute that duty to reverse the consequences of whatever was leading in the minds of others, to situate anyone as calling for action, to cease fire, and brave.

I will stay away from his family, likewise I would prefer that they do not read my blog, nor anyone else who feels threatened by me, that doesnt make sense for people to read, but then say that Im scary in person doesnt make sense to me. Im insulted that I come from a high profile case and in the time I was professional no one would talk to me, I was observed for 2 years to show and illustrate the whole spectrum of my personality, and ultimately the voices would not stop and did not recognize that I loved Todd and that is was special to speak and not get voices. As a result non of my relationships worked out, I cant move on, Im trying, and I had to leave my job, and my life was made more difficult being told there was somethign wrong with me too much, and thats what starts the assumption of things being too much, until ultimately something too much occurs about you to say that a person had a feeling that you were too much, then you became too much, to say that you are wrong, thats how someone tells you something and it happens, in retaliation for criticizing your moral philosophy or company dynamic, say are about mentions and causes, or responses and mentions, and at this point its clear that nothing is happening after the first declared cease fire, and in the intermin there are health consequences that can be addressed by what is now scary to all. So if a safety in communication was created by loving Todd, a professional, and since Im not being declared a reject, thats to reinforce previous lawsuits, trying to say that Im not a peace or am a certain way unprofessional or not loving, and its so painful to speak without reply, and its so painful to get sick without anyone to talk to, and its so hurtful to be treated like you cant talk to me, on a basis of me liking a person, I think I was scared of Todd, and spoke professional to lawsuit, and a pen pal I was auditioning to be liked so you share photos so they can choose to talk to you. And in the end its all about the other persons comfort, so to be treated reverse judgment that says I dont accommodate other peoples feelings, thats accusing me of being hurtful, Im informative, I say things that make the next day feel better, I say things that make the next thought quiet, I dont say things with the intent to stop or make stuck, or stir anger, or allude to anyones misconduct toward me. Im not accusatory, but after awhile photo studies of me become hurtful, and weight loss is about me being healthy, so Im not stressed, and tired, and sleepy on meds, its so I love myself.

Published 01/12/23.