I had a feeling this would happen, in my earlier years of recovery 2017, I received a text message reply from a Hollywood Director who told me he was reading “The Road Less Traveled,” I’ve never read it. The same person who told me to keep my head up when Im speaking, not to talk in my lap. This was before my blogging career took off, and the selfie journey exposed, recording all the changes I went through along the way. The same thing occurs in recovery, there will be moments of shame, blame, weakness, and insecurity, but eventually those feelings leave you, and you wind up a bigger person than you were walking in to your first meeting. Meeting people in life has been key to my recovery, whether it matters who they are or not, or what socio-economic background theyre from, Ive been to meetings in Long Beach and Boulder, I never saw it as a social experience, just a place to share and hear from others, who are also struggling, whether or not our stories sounded similar, and whether or not I found myself like them, eventually you adjust and let down your guard, and accept yourself as you are, one among, not stooping to any levels in life, getting help with your problems in life, it’s okay to get support, maybe not individually, but sometimes you have to share in order to be helped, had I not shared no one would know me, and it would be hard to talk to me, because I shared this makes it easy for people to approach me, and to want to hear more about my story in recovery, that’s sharing, it’s important to know your story.

I’ve been through this before particularly in applying for schools or jobs, how to describe myself, what to disclose, with mental health issues you are told not to mention those facts about you, I always felt more comfortable over disclosing then not disclosing, for some reason I felt like that was important for others to have a choice in whether or not to hire me or talk to me, with a boundary set, even if it meant pushing me away from people in life, I guess I had more of the interests of others in life, than cared for my own best interests to feel apart of, it takes time. I didn’t know where I belonged, the gay men’s meeting at 12pm, the womens meeting at 7pm, the home group meeting at 5:30pm, the Palisades meeting at 8am, only later you will realize that all it takes is being well to belong anywhere, and its upon being well that your confidence shines in a room and also helps to provide reassurances to others, that everything is okay and will be fine. It helps to not be anyone who people worry about in life, able to be there to listen or just to talk about life and share how things are going for you in life, this you can’t do alone.

Eventually we all met online, so what did we learn? We are more compatible than we used to think separating ourselves by social groups and jobs, now we all get to know eachother and hear form one another, no matter what place in the galaxy you exists, and everyones perspective matters and helps. There will always be an inside story to any big story, and Im not sure that’s what so captivating about those connected to the OJ Simpson Trial, I think it has more to do with what was done with their lives and how they were able to function in life amid spotlights and controversy, I never expected that it would get any better for me, I fully understood and comprehended the controversy of going to law school while being close to his family growing up since age 4, met through her Mother jogging in the neighborhood. We were playing in my sandbox outside. 

By virtue of this case, there has always been this constant fervor of wanting to know more, and I guess that’s the goal of most writers to write to fill a void, or clarify an issue, or ring true on some account, or address in a way that is not running counter to where everyone is at presently, you must have a strong sense of courage to speak, especially if situated on sides in life that can cause people to think less of you as a person, I don’t think I ever lived that type of life to let others down in life, Ive always done my best. 

I was studying a course this morning on Udemy, on “Confidence” and they discussed the importance of having a good “internal locus” of control in order to build confidence from within and not be so easily affected by external factors, affecting your core beliefs, which play a huge role in how you come to understand your reality, where you stand, where others stand, and your relationship in the grand scheme of things as of influence or importance to further the understanding of others of a complex and controversial position in life, to be thought of as acting in defense of or driven to defend, having attended law school, and that was not my purpose for being there, it was how to help others, how to navigate in a humble way my career path, take jobs, and work jobs, and eventually become a professional writer in the legal profession, which just occurred recently, and have taken some time off to work on myself, and rest after a very controversial series of events, occurring while one-way messaging DA Todd Spitzer, I thought I was doing a good thing opening up to a professional in private, to share where I have been, what my goals are, in what areas I struggle, as well as share my weaknesses as a person and a woman, and to what effect I am affected by things I should not be bothered by, we are only human, so do your best to get back to what really matters, and don’t waste time of lesser matters in life, its about who you are, not who you are compared to in life, and its not controversial until there is some kind of sex element involved, so I guess that’s the risk I took modeling, I figured who I looked like and sounded like speaking on videos for vlogging was more serious than the person I am when Im dressed up as though Im about to go clubbing or a night out. So that difference I felt was necessary for more acceptances to be viewed as a woman, not someone who was so strong and uptight, or struggling in life, that they were not able to enjoy life too.

Feeling like God? So what does it mean to feel like God, it means that with the world at your fingertips, you don’t fail to recognize what is of value to you and to others, including who you have come to mean to others as a public figure, that’s a high responsibility in life and a heavy upkeep to maintain appearances in life. If your job is to help make others feel good and be reassured then as someone with disability, that really narrows down my focus to health, fitness, writing, face structure, and photography, to create the tone that others feel bettered by, not worried, or stifled by. I hope to have encouraged others not to be intimidated by the process of conquering their demons (sex addictions, or sex history) or fears in life, or setback. We all take the long way until we can shorten the time it takes to get through a bad day, with a few helpful reminders that can help us get through our day, don’t forget to affirm your positive traits, the more you focus on the problem the worse it gets. Its harder to reinforce for solution when you are getting fixated on what could be wrong, or who could be wrong, focus what is going wrong within you, and why are you bothered, then think in what way is how Im feeling either related to this “external locus” (incident) or does it have to do with this “internal locus” what Im focusing on and choosing to think about or make my feelings about. Until you figure out that much its hard to work or be around others, you don’t feel good by others, and you wont be able to make others feel good, its that type of insecurity in life that makes you unsellable as a person in life, its like you pre-packaged yourself as incompetent to handle life or unable to rise to the occasion, or too weak to persevere through the intolerance toward you or questioning, what will make other people happy? I think people will be happy when you are doing everything right, hence the need to start dating and accepting dates, people will feel better when you practice a normal sexuality with other people and not yourself, and people will respect you more if you have wellness to show for it some result. For me it will be losing 60 lbs this year, getting a job, and working in paid positions, and getting nominated for Shorty Awards. That’s how I have decided to pay back my audience for their continued effort to read and follow along this undetermined path back to wellness through a “bipolar” and “schizophrenic” diagnosis, you cant always choose what happens to you in life or how you are treated, the best you can do is not fulfill a definition of something you are not and start accepting what characteristics you demonstrated “modeling – sex addiction” “modeling – vanity” “exercise – body image insecurity” and writing (wellness or demonstrated illness) these are the risks I took in trying to improve myself, and to love myself, and to not be affected by what other people think or see in private or in public, to happy with all sides of me, and all sides of the equation, the less you have to hide the better off you’ll be as a public speaker, and the more you have to be ashamed of the harder it is to stand in a room full of people who are already successful and earn wages, this will take time.