It’s hard to talk about medical care, in the event you recover or get sick again, that is something that doesn’t make sense. In addition things that don’t make sense, can be resumed, and later treatment of me, also changes to any completed works to make me look or sound incomplete or insensitive. I think when you do your best several times over, and it still doesn’t explain what you’ve overcome, you shouldn’t have to go through anything worse, to illustrate a difference or down in life deserved, no one deserves to be put in a down in life, to not allowed to move forward be social date and have a life. That much Ive worked hard for, and those opportunities will exist for so long as I stay well, it’s difficult to suffer from things that I have not spoken about and be expected to explain a pain or an injury, it doesn’t seem to help to go by any definition online, that seems to make things appear worse than they are.

Hospitalizations:

February 2009 (swallowed a bottle of kolonopin, suicide attempt) – Im sorry, I did my best.

May 2011 (not feeling well took myself to the ER, repeated something my BF said)

February 2013 (remember being in a hospital, I don’t remember)

September 2013 (hospitalized when I had a date scheduled called pay phone)

July 2014 (hospitalized, after having a panic attack, relapse)

January 2017 (hospitalized not by choice)

August 2017 (hospitalized twice not by choice)

May 2021 (hospitalized in OC, put on Invega)

I have been hospitalized 9x, over the years, in disability, doing my best, however not up to standard in public, so what goes missing will be something about you proud of yourself and doing well, that is a look that is created and occurs based on being punished. Feeling stupid, is a different form of punishment occurring by voices, and that’s to cause you torment, and that distress is supposed to result in upset or tantrum, and that is done for the purpose of treating you as mentally ill and cannot be proven. I never intended to share my medical history as a way to play victim or threaten anyone about life or accuse anyone of harming me, and not subject myself to appearing stupid treated as though I make up my story or timeline in life, I don’t see myself as someone who is trying to look good, or who speaks in a way that Im made to filter out any details on any basis, and speaking proper is not on purpose, and is not by education or who my parents are, it occurs when you are confident in what you have to say, and that’s not a condition that you punish, or seek to injure, in order to provoke a lesser version of myself preferred to be displayed, I think anyone tormented in life, would not know the cause, and I don’t think any woman expects for that to happen to them in life for any reason. My life isn’t dark, some people imagine that people who they know less about, know less about life, and it shouldn’t matter until your life affects anyone else life, and that’s how you are made to look scary, when you as a runner, face a mental health issue in which you are made upset, and cannot stop the condition from occurring to you, get sick self harm, that’s not being able to solve a condition of voices. And I now believe that this occurred to me on the basis of a quote I wrote on San Vicente speaking positively about what voices are like running, it was never anything I was battling by gender or for any reason about or not about people preferred, so that’s not my battle in life, the preferences of other woman, nor does that mean Im connected to any woman thought that I would bump into in public, is improper to treat me as connected to someone, and treat me as scary as though I know people and see people I know in public recognize that’s not true. So on the basis of someone reading that and thinking I was hearing or critical of womens voices, when I am a woman, I think on that basis I was attacked as though my head has the devil or like something is attacking me or I get a voice that attacks me as a woman, to wrongfully accuse me of attacking any woman, on the basis of my mental health. In life if you go out and introduce people, and they connect that’s a good thing, because I have been to that bar before, and took my boyfriend, that doesn’t mean that I get jealous or was offended, but because I described the interaction I was treated like I was watching a chemistry occurring with someone that I love and thought was special and that’s how I was made to sound mentally ill. So that’s how my writing on twitter went from experimental and talking about history and making light of disability in bed and things I remember or recall, and being creative and then being attacked on the basis of my interactions recorded, treated like I have a sickness, or treat me as focusing or thinking Im closer to people than I am. I have learned the hard way that its not the people you know who hurt you, but who is watching you, and observes others doesn’t approve of you.