So this marks the end of #toddspitzer on my blog, I’ve been asked by his office formally to not contact Todd or his Office, but was given two business cards in case I had questions to contact them, not Todd. What initially started as needing help to overcome lawsuit and arrests on my record 2013 for drinking, took many years to overcome, 10 years to get my strength back being out in public, I still don’t go out in public and mostly stay home. When you don’t feel the reception toward you in life, don’t give up, just do your best to improve your appearance, and make every effort to work again, no matter what the treatment is like. I can’t say that working after being arrested has been a fun experience, you get treated like a man, or a secret, liked, but not publicly, and brushed aside, you aren’t treated like the lady or woman you are sensitive. For some reason you don’t become special in that way, loving others, but what I learned is that you become special by being professional. I apologized to his wife the other day, I thought that was important to do, since a cougar was in my neighborhood and down my street the other day, reminded me of a post on my Instagram with two lions, coming to terms with one another, at peace with eachother. It’s been awhile since I was in love. The first time I met Todd, he was willing to communicate with me, but after a few failed attempts at trying to send normal emails, it became beyond reply, and most recently on Halloween was told not to try to contact him anymore, a different person than I imagined from the person I have been talking to for a year by messenger, who replies by blocks and unblocks, every 24 hours and comes back. So Im not sure what that means, I’ve made every effort to move on accepting dates from Exes, but nothing is working out, it requires mostly my effort I think, which explains why nothing is moving forward and left waiting, that’s dating, you put the effort in and you get back affection on the basis of how much affection you are willing to commit to loving a person. I guess I put all my energy and affection into loving Todd Spitzer, especially following attending rehab in Orange County for being exposed online and losing my stability mentally and going mentally ill hitting my head, needed to rest two weeks, there were no bed available at UCLA. I think for the time being I will not apply for jobs, it seems like too much rejection and issues not disclosed to me, regarding my candor and behavior and intellect online and in real life, wait until Im someone who others are impressed by and stick to blogging, the only place I get positive reception, nominated for an award this year, and applying to the big Shorty Awards event, that I might attend, and actually meet others in the arts and in websites and blogs online, and see how tall I can stand in a room full of professionals, just something I wanted to know about myself. It’s better to be somebody in life than to be a nobody, so my plight for success online, has nothing to do with rejection as told by the Mark Zukerberg story or Lady Gaga story, it has more to do with my working and being able to work, and I think because of whats online and what was said about me legally, I was mischaracterized to be something I was not, until I became considered schizophrenic. I think people have a hard time with knowing me, or hearing from what story Im from, and whats not funny about me, and I never intended for my love for Todd to be considered a joke or something to be made fun, I saw everything as acceptance for my love for him, and how I was able to improve after getting death threats online and told to die for whatever reasons me hitting my head made that person think less of me. I think when someone is attacking you and accusing you of things you are not, that can cause you a tremendous amount of pain and maybe voicing that pain by hitting my head is not the correct response, nor in writing become something I am not. I choose not to give people the satisfaction of being someone mentally ill homebound in life or unable to get and maintain a job, that’s not my fault that I have not been well enough to work and to apply for jobs based on the medications I was given in life, that make you not function sedentary, lose energy. That’s a shame what happened to me, I was once a person who worked full time and in school part time at least for the summer months, and focused, Im a much different person by now, not as self-assured, not as strong mentally, and therapy is going overboard in terms of whats wrong with me.

So what I can accept is that my blog is the bext example of who I am, what I can’t accept is the hurt that I feel when not hired, and what I also can’t accept is not feeling good when applying for jobs, that must mean that Im where I should be in life, home and writing, which was my original plan. Therefore my goal is to learn how to make money writing, and learn how to make an ebook and publish a book, not about my life, but about life advice or life coaching from the viewpoint of everyone reading, what would be helpful toward understanding my disposition in life, or whats not to be enthused about me in life, what is causing my sense of pride to hurt, or for what reasons disfavored or changed in life, to become what? Less than, self-harming, suicidal, ugly faced, ill spoken, Im none of that no matter how many times Ive been ignored or not treated as special, for reasons I will never know, not explained to me in life. So I get the jokes, the Skywalker jokes, Im not a smaller version of OJ or Todd Spitzer or Kim Kardashian, Im a smaller version of my Dad, who I had a falling out with when suffering from mental health issues, which he could not understand why I was suffering and not working, we only started talking again close, around the time he was passing away which was nice, and he was very reassuring toward me, and thought the world of me, thought I was smart and pretty and able to work, and excited to hear that I was dating again, and looking for someone to marry.

Who knows what will happen for me in life. So that is the price you pay for telling your story, either you are a person of importance or youre not, but you can’t make people like you or love you or treat you as important, not if youre not famous, a politician, or a lawyer, and that’s the unfortunate fact of not staying stable and going through a hard time as a law student. You grow past your mistakes in life. Im sorry that I was a fan of Todd’s and that I had a crush on him, and Im sorry if you thought that was sexual or unimportant, I felt that was necessary to talk to someone official, and that’s how I ended up feeling better, but not if its not clear what side or team of influence Im in or on in life. I live a good life, I have good things to say about life, and Im a good person, who cares, and Im an A writer, that’s me graded. In terms of romance, well that will take a leap of faith from me to believe in another again and for them to love me in return, and Ive not been strong enough to gamble my heart away and put all my eggs in one basket, and perhaps Todd was the wrong person to put all my eggs in one basket with and Im sorry. To me based on the problems I was having saw him as someone capable of helping me in life and I think he helped me, and Im sad that it was not real, or for whatever reasons he does not want to talk to me, or what went wrong in talking to him, that he can’t talk to me. I don’t think Im corrupt or criminal, I record everything, I take pictures everyday, I screen shot everything, I keep everything, I don’t destroy anything, I don’t confront anyone, I don’t fight with anyone, I don’t complain about anyone, I don’t file any lawsuits, I don’t compete with anyone, I don’t steal from anyone, and I don’t ever openly not support people in life. If anything things go right when Im doing well, and people fair better in support of me, whats not okay it to judge everyone in support of writing and free expression, to think that the color “yellow” trending means anything more than that, learn how to leave things open, there is no conclusion in life you will learn later in life, or when things come to terms or are okay, that’s on a personal basis what psychologically you need to see or hear from others in order to feel centered again.

I enjoyed my imaginary relationship with Todd, I thought he was improving, I thought I was helping him, and I thought integration of my campaign online was helpful for him to combat rumor concerning his own identity or thinking or issues, I hoped that what I had to say would overshadow anything or anyone seeking to hurt his confidence in decision making in life, and not make things about destroying him, that’s not helpful when combatting crime, or that mindset of people thinking they are better than others and healed by the wrong things in life. So here is my pledge to continue establishing my own campaign, and try not to integrate anyone or any public figure when stating how I feel or what I think, and not allow for anyone to be influenced by me, then blame me, as though my influence hurt their odds for success. And I appreciate OCDA reaching out to me, to tell me in person not to contact Todd without explaining why, and hope that in the future I will be able to talk to and work with others, and not be told not to contact people without them explaining why to me, and will continue writing and living life, without needing help from anyone, and join support groups in writing and for mental health via meetup.com and attend a public speaking event tonight and start somewhere. I think its shocking if you are not who you say you are and turn out to be a worse person, I think its shocking when convinced that you are wrong, or have done something wrong, and its shocking to be treated as though you are stronger than you are or lying about your condition, I was hospitalized 9x for not feeling well and will never know why, and no one is to blame for that, not my education or people in life, as far as Im concerned I need to be a strong person and able to speak for myself in the positive in order to be treated well or loved.

Good news is, when I requested for permission to write, I was told that I could write about whatever I wanted to write about, but that I was not allowed to contact Todd, he’s busy.