I think the biggest issue that relapse brings up is “who you are” being around people, then be viewed as “someone who is different than they appear to be.” So it brings up the issue of being sober and being seen, then being something else, and then not belonging, or being worse off by comparison to others, so its confidence stealer in life, and makes you look bad, not to mention burden anyone in passing who took you out at night, who shouldn’t be made to feel bad if given a hard time for relapsing and doing something you should not be doing, especially while living at home. So that’s how you go from being viewed as doing your best in spite of, to then be viewed as though you belong elsewhere in life, or destined for a lesser life, to question whether you are blogging to become wealthy or live a better life or be a more important person, so relapsing takes away the potential for you to be in any position of respect and causes people to not respect you. Whether for better or worse, this brings up the question of where you are or where you belong in life, to determine whether you are presenting as well, thinking you belong at a Shorty Awards and not strong enough to attend, inappropriate, or think that being in a bar makes you look bad or pushing for “exposing” any reaction to hearing of me being in a bar by myself, I think it hurts to be trying to figure out what to say, and in trying to state whats important, make yourself look bad, or draw negative attention to what anyone else has said, not knowing what your experience out was like, so I cant afford to make my family look any worse than they appeared when I was humiliated by a fan website, that was painful to me, and put unnecessary strain on my family, who should not be subjected to looking stupid. This is how I think my Twitter @mymollydoll was misinterpreted, maybe at the time it was written I was not as well spoken and maybe there was less confidence in who I am or am becoming or where Im headed, so at that point in time, did not get to continue blogging, but that doesn’t mean that what is said, even if I am prevented from taking it down, doesn’t mean that based on what is up or taken down, should be something that pains me or something that I am made to be scared of anything in life, having that known about me, trying to remove an account, I don’t think any later explanation can be written for what was said. I think whatever has occurred since making those statements, is adding meaning to what was said, not existing at the time, so Im sorry for that much to have been misunderstood. I think anytime you say stop and want something to be prevented, that would mean that you have it in you, to have both recognized devastation, and also have been strong enough at different points in life, that you and those around you have not allowed devastation to prevent you from living life carefully and with recognition for those losses. –

There was a case in the news about a “suicide convincing girlfriend” [1] and a man who committed suicide upon being told to, and there was a story in the news about a person convincing someone of something bad about their own family, and that someone convinced someone to hurt their family, so those are the two prominent cases in which we are reminded of how people close to us can be harmed when someone outside of your home, thinks they have the authority to punish you or your family and make you or your family look bad, and then blame you as though you spoke or appeared in a way that convinced anyone to think less of you or your family, and that’s how you get made to be called schizophrenic and embarrassed online, therefore I want my family to get better, and I also don’t want to be someone in life, that gets hurts, and as a result of getting hurt, my family is made to be respected less or viewed as unintelligent, this brings up the issue of pride, so this is how you get treated as separate and if you get hurt, you get blamed for being hurt, and they accuse you of being inappropriate toward who hurt you and embarrassed you, to accuse you of being attacked because of who you are or what you look like, so that’s when psychiatry doesn’t take your side, and punishes you, to enable who hurt you, to not feel bad, or not be affected, by what damage is permanent to you, so that much is unclear, in what way am I not improving or getting sick again, and whos perspective is protected and why is how Im feeling unimportant, or viewed as mental illness, it seems like Im either improving and close to my family, or being hurt and taken away from my family, or being hurt to see who I talk to, or what others are saying to me, think is true then mistreat me as though what is being said to me is true, then accuse me of not listening, or worsening, or being threatened by who hurt me, to build sympathy for who is being read as writing to me, and then hurt me as though who is writing to me is suffering by what is going on for me physically or mentally or based on what my life is like. It seems like I shared everything online, and when people are hard on me, I recognize that Im not feeling well, and that’s not the part that’s too late, its late Im 38 and have to live the rest of my life, and be free of harm, and if its too difficult to impress or please others, I think over who am I improving for, what am I alive for, what have I done well, what harm cannot be undone, why am I suffering, why should my family not suffer as a result of me looking bad, and then think about why am I being punished, and why when Im being punished is anyone trying to help me, or trying to comment and talk to me on my blog, and what is the eventual place in life, or things being worse, when its realized that me being better, is not being better than, and it should not be the case that until I am worse, that others realize they are doing better than me, to figure out whether I am improving to help others, whether Im mentally ill and of risk of harm to myself and my family, or whether Im being punished and treated as though Im of risk of harm to myself and my family, and that being the diagnosis or medical form that was used to attack me and make me look stupid, and hurt me and my family.

Case Reference:

[1] https://people.com/crime/michelle-carter-trial-gallery-key-moments-conrad-roy-suicide/