I have court tomorrow, and nothing is more scary than needing to put myself together and have a plan for improvement, and to have no plan, no job, and not be feeling well. So that’s not being prepared for court, so this is the lesson, on appearances, no matter where you are in life, or how far you’ve traveled, always expect that everyone else has been through the same, that would be the team spirit aspect to being known, or be reassured in life, or made aware that you’ve been viewed or read, which isn’t anything I was worried about or expect or have found hurtful, in life you live life and then you are made to think about life afterward, and what you remember is part your responsibility and people being aware of the times and how important life is, consider them doing their best job to be memorable too. Be humbled by the fact that your story is unique, maybe helpful, but not a big deal, it should reassure you that no one is stepping up to any plates in life, feeling the pressure of needing to speak for you, or feel bad for you, don’t question the system, it will only matter in the event anyone is made sad by you, disappointed in you, bothered by you, or upset by you, you wont be prepared for that either in life, just know to do your best, and make sure that when you do talk about life, illustrate why you are proud of others and in what way did you go through anything in life, anyone was there for you for, and make sure to make everyone aware that you were cared for and supported, those are the people who end up getting hurt in the event that you are disappointing or failing at something in life. There will never be any moment more terrifying than not liking who you are, not recognizing yourself in the mirror, and not being able to put yourself together, those before moments that you hope no one else would view, by the time you improve, accept that that much about you should be considered entertainment for you and hopefully for anyone who stumbles upon your life, it shouldn’t matter how you develop or what causes you to change or how you spend your alone time, to live a meaningful life have meaningful experiences with others in life, its always when something is wrong, is what takes you away from being present with others, you wont know why you get punished or why that’s insulting until you get sick and don’t know why, or if ever “schizophrenia” is being used as some excuse to explain for any moment in which you are or are not present and in the event that your attentions have been taken away from others, that your attention elsewhere is not on something that they would be offended by, or think less of you because of, so that’s being in your phone, or on twitter, it could be any interaction, doesn’t matter who you are or what you are doing, when the issue is “whats wrong” figure out what are you doing wrong, and figure out whether there is anything wrong with you, no one can be blamed just like a diagnosis, no one can be blamed and no diagnosis can excuse for there being something wrong with you, or for there to be anything missing that should be explained to you, or cause anyone to question your attentions in life. People who get to know you when you are well, who are made aware that you have been hospitalized before, aren’t responsible in the event that you get sick again, but it may be common for those who think you are not feeling well because of something you have done wrong, and later in life come to understand that when you aren’t feeling well, it can be viewed as insulting to others, who expect you to be well. So its not that Im 38 and things are too late, or Im more awake or mature than others, I think if you don’t have a life that’s easy to explain to others, that they can pick up on whats going on with you, and still be able to help you, then youre life is too complicated on the basis of something that you are viewed to be keeping away from them, so that’s how mental illness is viewed, like something about you that interferes with your ability to be in the moment with someone or share intimacies, means that your head is viewed to be elsewhere, other than on who you love, or are made to care for be around, so that’s treating you as though your mind wanders, to say you are not present because you are not content with what you have to make you seem like you think there are other places better than where you are or who you are with, to make you seem like you are thinking of things beyond whats important, to make you seem like it matters who you are with or who you are talking to, on messenger you would never expect for the word “cheating” to come up, as someone who writes to people, that’s not something that personally I would not be offended by rejections in life, its me on camera, therefore Im the one who is vulnerable being judged therefore its not about “cheating” what should be studied is in what way, does meeting me, become uninteresting, then rejected or blocked, or discontinued, and in what way does me being any where else in life have anything to do with anyone who is independent of me. Its an investment of my time and energy to reach out to anyone or talk, therefore its not my life that’s not real and genuine, that should be punished, and if I blog online, its not me that’s ignoring or rejecting anyone, and discontinuing care, therefore if Im writing online, and now not messaging with anyone, and discontinue dating due to complications going out, then the theme about who is of value, mistreating me as fake or fraud, or reject, or mentally ill, can appease all who called me “schizophrenic” and not be close to anyone, and start journaling, and not date, not be social, not drink, and focus on my writing. If its about love, and making fun of me “cheating” (when someone kissed me – “Gray”) a year after I was hospitalized, that’s me looking stupid, and doesn’t explain a song, or a suicide attempt (2009).