In the midst of controversy, all I had to do was keep it together, get through the hard parts, and go back to self-help writing. Easier said than done. Instead of remaining stable in controversy, I let the pressure of saying the right thing get the best of me, and had a nervous breakdown, crying, probably over-medicated, and literally felt like I was losing my mind. I just started journaling. I know that was unusual for me to post in a different format, without paragraphs, sorry for the confusion. Ive been focusing on getting back to normal, attending AA meetings, and working out, be disciplined about fitness and weight loss. I figure all those feelings of confusion are probably related to my own unhappiness, which I never thought of myself as an unhappy person, but I guess in the midst of my inner turmoil that’s what is sounded like, someone lost, confused, complaining, and off center.

I think blogging is helpful to discuss things out of the ordinary that we would not normally have a chance to talk about, and sometimes it becomes less helpful upon exposing parts about our life, difficulties, and troubles, which only makes me more vulnerable to feeling hurt, so that can’t be the solution. Sometimes I confuse step work and personal growth with revisiting trauma, while I want to be this person who is recovered and in a better place, there is also parts of me that feel like its so painful to talk about what those moments were like when I felt powerless or helpless, or struggling on meds, believing I had some severe disability that would prevent me from doing normal things in life. All I know is to focus on improving, not complicate what differences mean to me or how they are interpreted, its plain and simple, in the face of any complaint, its my job to improve there really is no room for argument, when it comes to mental health, its not about what you think all the time, sometimes with mental health issues, it requires you to hear critical feedback and deal with hurt feelings. Sometimes the only way of doing better and fitting in is being someone who doesn’t have to discuss and disclose medical history, everytime there is some uncertainty in life as to your wellness, or concern for how you are doing. That’s the worst place to be in in life, to worry others.