One Thing at a Time

When I look back on my journey through mental health, there’s never a moment when I wish things would have turned out differently. Having a mental health issue whether identified by another or yourself, can sometimes occur in the form of a rude awakening, simply not being able to stay well and to not know why. You may feel lost, others may be trying to get through to you, you could be emotional, you could be suffering from a dual diagnosis issue if not already keeping sober, it seems like when a mental health issue arises, it’s something you can’t figure out in the immediate, that others may try to help point you in the right direction, but it’s difficult to continue on path. I would say ending up in a hospital is a blessing, it’s not something commonly known to everyone, and I wish I had realized at the time, how to better communicate what was bothering me, instead of appearing like someone who needs to be alone, or cannot be consoled. As difficult as it is for you to experience a mental health issue, and for everyone you know to know about it, just be glad for their support, and grateful to be helped, even if that help feels like punishment being locked in a hospital. So what drives us to our limits in life, cause us to question ourselves, or risk losing everything in life that is going well for us, to instability, what can account for how those emotions develop within you, are you really a product of all the mistakes you have made, or can some of the feelings you endure, be attributed to all the ways, your sense of peace may become disturbed, by people who don’t know you, be easily misdirected in life and feel at a loss. Who’s job is that to say no, to say hey I have a boyfriend, or no I can’t, or I’m applying to law school now’s not a good time to submit a job application, to what end is someone entitled to winning and making you feel stupid. 

For me mental health recovery has been half my choice to get help or be hospitalized, something Ive realized on my own, when is a good time to ask for help or how to identify whether Im experiencing a medical issue, or just plain anxiety or relapse or something that will go away in a day or two. You would never think of all the years you have submitted treatments and taken meds as directed, for disability to take it’s toll on how your life turns out or limit what you’re capable of working, dating, getting married, living independently and get well again. You would never think that later submissions to treatment would take a turn for the worst, or ever be quick to realize how painful delays are and how irreplaceable years are in life, dealing with a mental health issue, and be given meds, that tell you to give up and do less, that tell you can’t and views wakefulness as a problem or a risk. I don’t think wellness is waking up and realizing how vulnerable, stupid, or weak you were to believe that you were all of these terrible things or that your condition or symptoms exhibited was ever anything that anyone would have a problem with, notice, or punish you for. You blend in to your surroundings and belong, so long as you can, and if you ever reach a moment in time when you are made to feel different or convinced to stay home or not as well as others compared, hopefully the changes you endure in life, has nothing to do with anyone else’s progress or wellness. If you don’t take the improvements made by others personally, you should also not be intimidated by not feeling well, not fitting in, or not belonging, no one tells you that in trying to get well, that you have not improved as much as the rest of the people in your group, to let you know that you have a disability or feel like in doing everything your told, to not wind up someone who is believed to be put together, well spoken, or a leader in terms of what exemplifies the kind of turn around or witnessed improvement posture and mental alertness expected of a person of your kind. I don’t think that age matters, you can struggle at any age, some are lucky to have been hospitalized and to have never needed to go back or be required to take anti-psychotics year round. Maybe it’s not what your mental illness looks like, a tantrum or being put down in life or losing a job, that you should be punished for the rest of your life, and lose in general compared to everyone else. Maybe the biggest mistake in expressing emotions is to be caught or told it’s not okay for you to be upset or feel frustrated, or be insulted, or suffer an upset in life, exactly who’s winning when you lose in life.

My best advice if you ever face a mental health issue you need help with, is to be patient. You may later get stronger, smarter, and more resilient, or have better coping skills that don’t cause you to ultimately give up or question your own health believe you belong in a hospital to get away from the instability of not being able to stay well at home, doesn’t mean to fit in, you should be mistreated as someone who needs to fit into a box, or be labeled something that makes people think that you are not in control of yourself or your emotions, or convince people they are smarter than you, or more knowing than you in life, doesn’t also feel good to be belittled. Sometimes when we need help in life, anothers complete assessment of our life overall, doesn’t do us a justice to make us feel better about ourselves, it’s a big change to go from having high self esteem and be proud of yourself and able to be in public, run everyday outside, attend AA meetings on your own, attend therapy, for someone else to view that slow pace of your recovery or from what symptoms, not believe for there to have been a disability on meds you were required to take, and not view lack of activity or changes in meds, as a choice or punishment, and its disheartening after opening up and sharing about your experiences in life, to not be trusted on meds, functioning, awake, working, or feeling good. Sometimes the truest test of who you are as a person occurs, when meds aren’t required to tell people you can’t handle life or cant handle adderrall or thinking, and upon regaining your abilities your life. I don’t think being diagnosed with schizophrenia and put on meds that meant I couldn’t work and had to stay home and stopped exercising and gained weight, was a choice to do nothing in life and stay home or be stuck in bed, and while rest is needed, maybe it’s not clear what complete recovery should mean to others, or additional issues identified such as addiction or alcoholism, really confuses the expectations for recovery, and in what ways you are supposed to accept blame for your diagnosis and what it tells others about you, in addition to addiction, being made to feel like a negative judgment and diagnoses was made, comparing your symptoms to others, identify that the kinds of symptoms I was experiencing meant disability was something my fault or because of meds. Treatment is something you go through and with any diagnoses, there comes a point in your recovery, once you’ve overcome symptoms and done your best to figure out why and how it occurs, have done your part to prevent the onset of voices, or self-harm be judged as mentally ill, or having a voice that’s inappropriate that your responsible for or is being suppressed by medications so that you cant talk, read, work, or exercise, in what way does regaining your abilities back mean that treatment in the future is any more reassuring to someone unclear of your experience with disability, and how hard you have worked to earn back the privilege to do well and do well on meds of your choice. The battle is sometimes in proving that you are well and staying well, the liability is that should you not be feeling well or if there is anything ever wrong, it’s the meds you are given that are to blame for whats wrong with you, and taken away, and I don’t completely agree that every day you live life you are to remain stable able and willing and approachable or be received as well. I think as a blogger I do a good job of staying well and recognizing the responsibility in staying well, and how that affects everyone in the event you are not feeling well. That’s the difficult part about mental health, is how everyone else is feeling, and how well you need to be to help others.