I’m not giving up in spite of difficulty I never said blogging was easy or not a huge responsibility or ever not believe in my stats I think right now I just need to focus on my health, not take risks with discussion, continue to keep to myself not bother anyone, journal keep reflecting on my life my websites my education my writing my books my mental health continue to do my best. Take as prescribed, attend therapy, journal, push myself, wish I never discussed voices and never self harmed or ever suffered from any mental illness observable or uninspiring or an honest take in life. I’m going through so much because of court and dealing with life in general and what everyone thinks. I know it takes a long time to get well, I’m glad voices stopped, I’m thankful my blog did well, I’m sad I’m going through pressures and mental difficulties in life hard to understand or read about I’m sad if I’m not allowed to blog or can’t book write or work. I just wanted to get well not make a big deal about my difficulties in life always grateful for the life I had my upbringing my childhood and proud of myself and my achievements in life, disability and punishment is very difficult to endure in life to not be able to work or stuck in bed so I don’t take day to day milestones or improvements for granted or in a place ever I would subject anyone who knows me or cares to not care or watch me turn into something fat and ugly or can’t speak or doesn’t recover or sounds bad or looks bad online that would be so sad and defeat the purpose of being known or be viewed as a hero who’s made honest efforts to help in troubling times. The most difficult part of being alive or being online or having been connected through people of wealth or celebrity status is to think I’m not grateful or causing risks or negative attention or illness to anyone period including myself or my family or anyone I know or view lawsuit as not a good enough reminder of how short life is and how important it is to stay well. It would just be sad to try to help everyone do the right thing improve work hard be well liked inspiring helpful or be accused of being hurtful or inappropriate or not loving or having issues or be accused of lying or not the same person I am online or in photos please let no loss be used a judgement against my health or a deciding factor for steering what’s wrong with me or claim is caused by me accuse me of mismanaging my own health or the respects of others. You know if I worked hard and no one respects me or believes voices or insults are true then I don’t have to be online can give up not write books not try to get a job never date again keep to myself and not engage in any debate involving changes to me or rejections of me to confuse me for someone sick or someone well who is offensive or out of touch or not suffering or not someone others would be proud of. I have said and can restate I will never have sex for the rest of my life and will make clear I am nothing that bullying or terms declare refuse to be fat ugly aging or dying as punishment for nothing I’ve done wrong in life or be accused or blamed like I shouldn’t be alive or don’t deserve to be alive or that no one cares or it’s ok to use hurtful words think I will ever get better or not get sick commit suicide when does it end! Maybe life’s too good for me to be alive and will never make it and no one knows me and I can accept if I’m not allowed to be alive or convinced I’m things I’m not. You only live life once there are only so many times you get to be normal welcomed back to life and it’s just really sad in the alternative to have disability or stay alive if I’m called that why should I stay alive if my condition only got worse and no one cares about self harm.

I just need to be alone it’s going to take awhile will try to get to a meeting tonight. Stay sober not end up in the hospital, not change, sound appropriate, not sound stupid, be even tempered, be concerned about my reputation and how things look or what people think of me, take seriously voices and really think about what’s true what’s reality what concerns others what’s no one’s business stay away from everyone really think about how I’ve suffered or been punished and do my best to be alone alone in life stay honest do my best. Whatever I’m going through in life is nothing that anyone can help me with nothing that medications can solve and clearly not something improvement blog website sobriety change in meds social skills can solve. I really need to take seriously the diagnoses what that means what are irrecoverable harms I should suffer in life think about life expectancy and meds disability not take lightly risks to my health or blames or bullying of any sort.