The shocking truth behind my recent break from blogging and visible instability and overdose on meds, was grappling with trying to communicate someone befriending me that I had just left treatment, and am working on myself, and maybe by being too open about something protected by HIPAA from disclosing was viewed as a period in time which anyone could take advanatge of my vulnerability or being weak or not confident or going through a lot, and I’m sorry that drinking at home or by disclosing a relapse meant anything more than friendship is okay. Part of the recovery process means to rebuild your self-worth and improve your reputation in the community, and there is a lot of pressure to get well, to do the right thing, and to be respected, and to not get a bad review or negative judgment from someone trying to have sex with you who cannot accept why you are alone or the gravity of circumstances you are coping with at this time, to take non compliance, discontinuation, or a block personally, and to continue to be offended or vindictive by calling from another number and interrogating me as to where I have been again confront me as to why I am not willing to have sex with someone suggesting it, or pretend like Ive forgotten or not felt comfortable having that type of conversation with anyone, nor willing to judge the science of how you can go from being in treatment, to relapse, to disclosing or replying to anyone, to have that turn into an opportunity to do anything intimate with anyone is not about race or money, its about health, and after everything Ive disclosed about myself and who I know, you would think that someone given the news, could respect me enough to listen and believe what I have said and not turn my health or inability to date or be intimate with someone about race, let alone make of issue him being black. The fact is I lost my boyfriend, and can’t afford additional friendships having gone out and be taken advantage of, that’s not how life works, thts not how the street works, thts not how survval works, that’s not how socialization works that’s not how to determine who is cool or sick, and that’s not how a gang is made, or how respect is derived based upon what you are willing to do without fear of being judged, nor does worry for what others think and privacy, things about you to be tested. It’s a huge violation of a person’s sense of worth and intelligence, where honesty or hard work or replies or what someone is focused on whether that be mental health or life, is judged as an opportunity to insult me for blogging or blame blogging for mental health issues or what is medically treated by medication, again its not about disconnecting, connecting, focus, or compatibility to determine someones value or where peace is derived from, is not something you take from someone, or hurt someone, as though youre entitled to punish or make sick a person or cost them their life, or cause them overdose, or suicide, and think a change in conversation can cover from the amount of lost focus time and energy on being well rudely interrupted by a stranger who I don’t know, don’t remember what he looks like, am sure of my age and disability, and don’t have time to be used or experimented with tested or blasted in private over who I am or am not, or what Im working on. If Im writing a book I am focused on my mental health if I cannot be friends or have sex, that means I can’t afford to be humiliated or treated as stupid or given a hard time like I don’t know what being a woman is or what love or acceptance is for ignore every issue or personal challenge as a joke, including race or who I know. Is for no one to set me straight or in public act like they know me and that I am someone who should struggle with acceptance like anyone has permission to scare me to death threaten me change me, not care if I look stupid and judged, then act like everything s a joke or not a big deal. That isn’t support, that’s a selfish way of saying I am well you are sick and please don’t call me a bitch, a moron, or racist and expect me to continue to talk to someone who thinks that poorly of me or who thinks they are so entitled to knowing me and saying that to my face is wrong, and I don’t care what Icve been told, if it means suing this person and the bar he presents himself out to be an employee of I don’t deserve threats or harassment or involvement in my recovery or required to update or reply to texts which are used to hurt me disadvantage me threaten me. That’s not how this country or neighborhood works, Im not stupid, and I don’t have to blog or prove myself in a space people just stalk and watch like it has anything to do with them it doesn’t. When I stay away from everyone, that means its not safe to be anywhere and for this exact reason that you get stuck by people for no reason, people try to kill you hurt you humiliate you and no one respects any story or any reply or any value to you being a human being living honestly.