I think that part of the reason my stats fluctuate is because of what I’m dealing with privately however vocal I’ve tried to be on subjects made relevant to me that doesn’t mean those terms are true or an accurate depiction of who I am overall and my progress reflect my positive attitude and hard work over a 12 year period not possible had I not graduated and stayed sober overcome difficult attend AA, get stable and earn the privilege to work. Sometimes I feel the pressure of blogging is misunderstood as easier than it is and get the feeling that negative press (hate site) seen by whoever from my records or online is affecting my mental health and what others think of me to perceive there to be something wrong with me private or public that anyone needs to point out. Having few communications private I would expect that my contributions online would suffice as enough proof of my good mental health and standing in life to write online without trouble, lawsuit, or fighting period. I have endured difficulty and instability since leaving treatment that has since gotten better like everyone I can’t take chances with my health I cannot afford to look bad or be seen as stupid I’ve worked too hard helped so many people online that it’s not fair to judge me pretend I’m something that I’m not online is who I am.

I think because of bullying aka gaslighting when people tell you there’s something wrong with you or make you feel like there’s something wrong with you that’s evidenced whether existing or not existing something that you can tell reading from me whether I’m someone being played or treated as stupid mistaken for joke or writing in a way that suggests I’ve said something wrong or should blame myself for something I’ve not been clear about online I think I’ve been clear.

I know it doesn’t seem like I have things under control (because you’re not sure what my diagnosis is and if you can’t tell whether I’m doing well or made to not trust me then there will be confusion as to what you’re reading and if I’m a person who means well or capable of saying things wrong is unfair to me to be caused mental illness and destroy my blog and make fun of me give me a hard time for dysfunction is all a product of hate and bullying.

I don’t think the way I have ever complained or voiced a grievance, has ever been wrong to be strong and describe how I’m feeling most people don’t even get an explanation or a response as to what they’re going through. I’m always detailed and fair minded. Most fighting will come across to most as that abrasive or something you don’t want to hear. So much about peace is about not being irritated, not being aggravated, not being annoyed, not being triggered, not being offended, not feeling tense, all of these emotions comes to mind when Im writing or anticipating what my audience might feel like, I figure settling to me, would be settling to you, considering Im on medications regulated and see an internsit and have my blood pressure managed by a doctor now.

It all takes work, to get to the greener side of things. So what types of concerns do we have when trying to keep things under control, symptoms, such as voices, angry feelings, resentments, feeling threatened by others, dealing with intimidation or bullying, belief systems, outlooks, perspectives, stories, for all of these reasons creative or mental health based, we think about what would everyone else think, and being a popular writer, I wouldn’t put anything out there that would conflict with an existing belief, or say something that doesn’t speak to reality in a way that each person individually can come to interpret their reality as they see fit being themselves.

Keeping things under control, means no matter the news, no matter the loss, no matter the industry, no matter the field or study, no matter the person, no matter the politics, there is a common space from which others feel able to help others, able to forgive minor grievances, and able to move forward, without all the anger resentments chaos and voices, Im sure is a condition that affects most people, when thrust in the middle of anything, or made to feel torn, or sided, and that’s not who I am.

I have never been in a fight in my entire life, and don’t plan on it in the future, and part of the reason I do so well online, is because Im not bothered, rarely messaged, everyone nice and courteous toward me, Im able to help others, answers questions, be supportive of others in their personal endeavors if they ever ask me a question or ask for advice on something Im good at, helpful. I just want it to be clear to anyone, who is confusing mental illness, with my writing, to not confuse the two, UCLA Hospital told me that “bipolar is not contagious” therefore you cannot catch mental illness through writing or like a contagion from being around people period so don’t worry. I would say keeping things under control, in terms of my cares involves the following:

1. To Get to a State of Peace
   • Attend court and get done what needs to get done. Talk to my attorney. Speak freely online on subjects. If I know something or think something to inform the government. Write reports as to things I think not just say them online. Maintain correspondence to earn trust to move forward. Avoid fighting at all costs. Do my best to stay sober. Keep up a healthy cardio schedule, to stay mentally fit. Take breaks, rest, regroup, and get back out there. Continue to apply for jobs, and be employable. Ask for help if I need help. Don’t try to do everything myself. Be honest and never lie. Not make a big deal of things I can solve myself. Explain to others what I think and explain how to solve problems. Continue my education, so that I can solve problems. Put forward  a solid effort to cure voices bullying. Be consistent in my reports on how to prevent voices bullying. Steer clear of foul language or being fought on negative terms. Not let people get too close to me too casual with me. Maintain a healthy professional distance from everyone. Be mindful of hacking and make sure to keep it general online. Journal, talk in therapy, put my mind back together.
2. Writing Goals
   • Keep writing until clarity is achieved and a more organized state of writing presenting. The goal is always article writing, so if for any reason, I change, the focus is on me, not everyone, and I apologize for those delays and writing breaks, due to personal reasons.