Maybe it takes losing everything to describe my past experience battling addiction, or reasons why I stopped or chose to not drink alcohol my whole life, and hopefully the main point doesn’t go missing in the process of me trying to illustrate who I am on a level that the public can accept, and with respect for my medical condition, not use anything against me, or let any conversation about life, derail my progress, or change acceptances of me. It’s true that when you are suffering, the only person you can help is yourself, and that if you are required to go to meetings after being sober since 2014 and stopped dating, it was a tough pill to swallow to be told I have schizophrenia then be punished for addiction, or accuse meds as inducing a condition, or accuse blogging or Instagram as not focusing on my mental health.

I couldn’t even stay in a job and work full time, that’s how disruptive voices are, and how painful punishment is, when there is something about you, that you get punished for, that you are suffering from, and to be hurt for having a condition is not fair and is no ones right. Its hard to make life the way it was before you got hurt, or after non acceptances, like a loss in respect, or to use substances or alcohol against me as though Im not who I was for 12 years online, or have not become something better and got a full time paid job in law to deserve voices on any level, after 7 months of treatment and rest hospitalizations, be accused of letting myself go, or not being normal, or to be unaccepting of staying home a resting, not recognize I have a heart condition, then be ridiculed for exploding and writing a lot upset, as a reflection of the pain and suffering that Im enduring, is not something anyone else can explain to me, or a hospital is going to be able to determine, or location sent, job placement, or housing arrangement is not going to solve how Ive been hurt on a level that I explained, do not deserve to be punished for the voices that I get however mean, and also do not deserve to be used, blamed, made fun of, or use court or any form of punishment, to take any job away or any status in health, or any progress and meeting attendance, or any friendship, or an ex-boyfriend conversation.

Its become a problem having shared my story created an unwanted closeness, that I don’t prefer to be manipulated as though knowing my story, no able to calculate why everything works out for me, or why everything gets ruins, allow the condition of voices, to be the constant stimulus for causing me pain and suffering, or forcing me to stay home, or not be allowed to do things in life, is the truth and the reality, or rumor, or being hurt in life. You know past being hurt you have to accept a change in tone, or who I am, whether I smile, stay sober, drink, go to meetings, in court, call 911, is no ones business when I am struggling or what I am struggling from is nothing that the public can help you with.

If there is a system of causing sickness to people by punishment putting them down, so they cant move, and cant breathe, and cant function, then I don’t want to be apart of a system that puts me down in life, and that’s not what being online is for, to use my light, then accuse me of being dark or not having light, doesn’t make sense to me on any level. Why not trust Im working hard or if Im not feeling well on a writing break its because I physically cant exercise or write online, because if its too painful or if Im being pushed and don’t have the meds to put up with voices, then I wont be able to live life and work and that’s not a life that I want to live, obese and disfigured not able to read write and exercise. That’s not fair to me my voices are not so dangerous, that you need to turn my voice off to help who?