Draft: 12-20-24 (not finished writing it yet)

Book #1: Thinking Out Loud

Chapter: Epilogue

I initially wrote this book 2019, around the time I started distributing blog posts through Blogpros, beginning July 2019. It was not until Fall 2020, that my Alexa Rank was in the 14,000s, it seems almost unreal, due to difficulties (online bullying) I decided to not continue to blog, took my website down for a few months, while putting myself back together, and it was recommended that I keep applying for jobs, which likely became possible upon the completion of a Masters Degree. I even hired a career coach to help get me motivated to apply, discussing all things relative to applying for jobs, with encouragement to keep going. That was the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure if I could get a job, and started getting job interviews, and paid positions at law firms. Finally overcoming my first devastation in my career, losing my JD, due to being hospitalized February 2013, and again September 2013, somewhere in between failing in life, and losing everything all my hard work and 3 years working toward graduating and taking the bar exam, was a huge loss for me mentally, and made sense for me to apply to a new law school and sign up for a program I was accepted into. At that point, I could have transferred, but not all the credits would transfer, so it never happened.

It’s 2024, and I’m still overcoming (online bullying) and doing my best to keep a positive head on my shoulders. It’s not the easiest thing to do, continue to perform online, and write, as you are being banished from the world, whether by lawsuit or hate website. All in all, I am just thankful to be in a place in life, where publishing a book now makes sense, given everything I have gone through. I know deep down, that my story will help someone out there struggling too with mental health, that is my hope. I hope that being brave and mentioning where I grew up, on Rockingham, privileged to have lived a good life, is without a doubt a story worth telling. So much can come up in the process of sharing your story, and sometimes its too late, convinced to be inhibited from sharing, or intimidated by the process of speaking to the public, and speak in a way, that supports their side in life. That was the most difficult concept to overcome, being known, with risk of anyone turning on you, not what I expected sharing my life with anyone, or telling my story, but I guess there is always more to it, just as I have lived a life, full of details, and stories, and memories, and photo recordings of my progress mental health wise, documenting my personal development, regardless whether earning three paid jobs in the legal profession, did a good job of proving to myself I can do something that others are confident that I will be able to do, not lose that sense of motivation, and determination, to continue improving, in spite of the odds placed against me, it’s a big lesson being online. Sometimes it’s not until you are completely destroyed, humiliated, embarrassed, belittled, and shamed in life, that anyone can really know what you are made of, it takes a long time to be trusted, or be viewed in the positive, once you mix in issues like sobriety, or dive into medication politics, or the back and forth between what brought you to treatment, and deal with a misdiagnosis, and suffer the hardship of living with disability and not being able to work, was a tough pill to swallow, that an alcohol relapse after maintaining mostly 20 years sober since (2003) except my senior year in college (2006) upon turning twenty-one, and briefly while dating, was again not worth losing everything, in the middle of my own personal crisis in life.

It has always been difficult, and will continue to be a difficult part of my story, to discuss voices, which years of writing on the subject, and detailed research paper composed by me, has yet to avail a solution for me, in determining what is real, or what is considered delusion. I would say that publishing this book, is the first step toward, overcoming this disability that makes me look bad, or allow myself to be misused, or treated like a joke, for battling at my own expense be changed or made to fight. I hope that this book redefines who I am as a person to the online community, is a story significant to many different types of people in life, to attest to my Cloudflare analytics, and really get an estimate of what is real, and who can be helped by me, without running in circles as a blogger online, be treated as a secret, or a person you expose and cause harm to, or sue to put away in life. It would be nice if for once in my life, I could be appreciated for my strength and honesty, and not be condemned for what I look like or sound like, or who’s in my life, or how I’m treated. Life is so fragile at this point in time, it makes sense to publish a book, hopefully to clarify who I am, without confusion as to my identity, or uncertainty posed to my life, posed by court.

It only takes one person to let an entire team down, and I would never want to be mischaracterized as anyone at any moment anyone who doesn’t take life seriously, has lived a conservative life, focused on academics, not going  out, and staying home, although missing out on being around people, dating, practicing social skills, living a normal life, absent minded the trauma of online bullying, and the road it took me down in life. I would never think that one person’s broadcasted impression of me, would hurt on so many levels, first that loss of control over my content, being distributed without my consent, that initial discomfort, followed by prolonged periods, or disability I’m not sure whether to reinforce an opinion of me, or ever provoking an image online or in private, unfit to be viewed, or ever worried about not being believed. I think experiencing a persons power to change my life for worse, and spark a new condition of voices bullying, be faced with defamation without being famous yet, was difficult for me to balance it all, moving forward, recovering from bullying, staying healthy, and being in a good place in life, during those critical moments, transitioning from treatment for Schizophrenia, and get well in time to spend time with family, and get my first paid job in law, before my Father passed away from Cancer. He was someone who was always proud of me, and clearly loved me, no matter how far to a bottom in life I fell, due to mental health, bullying, or lawsuit, all that I know is to be the person I am, is to disprove the person being argued exists, and not turn into a person, faced with difficulties of my own making. It would be nice for a change, to not be losing, to be appreciated for reading Katy Tur’s book, citing to her Father who was in a helicopter above Rockingham, the same helicopters I could hear from my room, studying while I was in elementary school. Sometimes it’s not until you hear someone else tell their story, that you contemplate whether you are deserving of sharing your story, or being respected, for having shared your story. Ultimately, it’s not the “Shade Store” in Brentwood, where Mezzaluna restaurant used to be, the same restaurant that Nicole Brown Simpson invited me to dinner following our dance recital in 1994, at Paul Revere school, too tired to attend, went home. Is one example of how a fact from my life, or recalling the smell of popcorn in the school yard the day I found out she was murdered, crying in my classroom closet, facts from my life, suddenly devalued, by mental health or lawsuit. I think continuing to be brave and share my story, is better than being bullied or using my story against me. I think I’m smart enough to know my own story, and what is coming from me, maybe it’s not until you professionally publish, that your story becomes known. I hope that it’s not to late to publish my book, there is always more work to be done, no life is perfect, and consider everyone as doing their best, no matter what my writing or story looks like. Life goes on, with or without you, I hope that by finally publishing a book, will bring much needed clarity to anyone who has ever doubted me, not trusted me, or concerned about my mental health. I know myself, and my medical history, with no history of voices, until a hate website was made and my diagnosis was changed, is when voices self-harm became a part of my story. Still to this day, I am battling the repercussions, for not having published a book, not allow myself to get carried away in mistakes, and continue to do my best to tell my story and represent others well, is my wish.

Next paragraph (updated 12-21-24) still writing epilogue, will include positives next

You can’t turn back time, always do your best. You should always be able to handle life on your own. One of the more complicated ways to live life, is if others are made to not care. Don’t let your health failing, or reputation, be the lesson, on how being hurt, hurts others. There are so many reasons to relate or become angered, and its not a shame if you are not related to or someone from your story is found out to be more admirable than yourself. You cant dictate what innocence looks like to people, or gauge how strong you need to be as a person, if you are fought and upon being fought call that reality delusion, you wonder what is real. Eventually you come to grips with the fact that if everyone is doing well, to simply be proud, as you would have wanted others to be proud of your years in recovery or making important decisions for yourself.

The worst feeling is having shared your story and for all the moments that made you feel special and apart of become moments later questioned, upon a disbelief, granted or projected upon you. Sometimes the main lesson on being a writer, is to learn how to be unimportant, how to take yourself seriously, how to work toward reconnecting. May no experience in life be used as justice to examine the fate of a people, who rely upon one another to stay well, just like TV and us, the News and us, Entertainment and us, and Music and us, the less you connect, is maybe the best solution, for determining when you are ready, trained, complete coursework, or independent study of public safety and human subjects, to show that you are okay with everyone, to show you are a strong person, can handle what others think. Continue to work toward the privilege of being allowed to share how you think, and neither side of life convince the other to feel bad or guilty, or obligated to help on a level, that would necessitate for court to proceed or not proceed.

Remind yourself it’s not about asking for help, or being denied care or support, it’s about your own innocence knowing yourself well enough to know when to quit, take a break, maxed out, pushed over the edge, suffering from symptoms, feeling threatened, to take a step back. If the lesson is no contact and stay away, maybe that is the solution for everyone’s peace, to not know who I am until I’m alone, to prove whether I can stay well on my own, be in court, and not be considered a person who is treated as “guilty” or “charged” for what love or system of wellness they believe in. Ultimately the best way to handle my own distress without ruining my own life, or destroy either career, in blogging, or working in law, would be to first survive court, let go of what I believe or who I was, not change for the worst, and continue to do my best to rest and get strong again, be able to help myself without bothering anyone, and be able to focus on myself and life in a way, no one feels bad for me. Let no misunderstanding or expectation or dependence or disrespect, communicate a concept of guilty in common, be used to accuse me of being helped or hurt open for interpretation of me in the negative as a person to blame. There should always be an opportunity in life to discuss reality or prevention, responsibility, sufficiency on a level, that any victimization of me is needed to excuse or prevent a court proceeding, as though I do not know my won mental health and issues on a level that having shared my story has ever reached a point of upset or condition irreparable or permanent, or easy to go back and forth, solve, or cure. It has never been to my understanding that the word “misdiagnosis” or battling voices, was ever a condition that I blamed a hate website as causing, a way to accuse me of being something Im not, or having problems I don’t, or accuse me of being in denial of symptoms Ive written about several times, and publicly disclosed systems of coping with those symptoms what has worked for me, without crediting someone else’s comprehension of life, in ridiculing me, require my forgiveness, or view personal emergencies as not dealing with a hard life, or ignorant of what I’ve done wrong in life. I think the more a code of understanding is composed in favor of doing a public service, by condemning me, destroying my blogs, or using “observation” to tell me whether Im improving good enough, or a person of concern, who improves does their best, mean that I am someone of a reputation or person, who should be denied care for any diagnosis or perceived “wrongdoing.” I can only write and speak to what I recognize, I will never be able to explain a system used by others for making determinations about me, that’s none of my business, their conversations, their observations, the parameters of how wellness is expected to be demonstrated, or question my ability to work hard to deserve privilege to live home, hire an attorney, improve, or be hired for a job. What is a proper handling of the public with regard to who I am or should be in the eyes of the public, if not damaging to me. Now is when you think about how does having been hurt, affect others in a way, the permits people to take their anger out on me, an irrational fear or deduction about how not mentioning a separate issue in court (hate websites) is not being used as an excuse for anything mental health related, or require me to bring up an increased frequency in incidents of voices or self-harm, or for what purpose anyone would be motivated to experiment with my health and reputation. It’s beyond my comprehension, with respect to writing breaks, why it’s not okay for me to endure difficulty, or have difficulty writing, or not be in a place health wise, that makes blogging easy to do, one the most difficult periods in life, were about that, being punished for my mental health. I take meds in compliance with both diagnosis, and it’s unfortunate, to have discussed my experiences with mental health in a way, that I should suffer worse circumstances in life, not even I can put into words. It is true that if you can’t help yourself you can’t help others. Simple rules for participation. The benefit of having an improved reality of people being nice to you, shows that although you get voices or self harm and do your best to keep a record of those moments, sometimes you wont be good enough, until you can prove that you are well, on your own when alone, well on the blog in public, well by the standards of hate, well enough to experience a threat in court, and strong enough to be compliant with meds. Getting hurt was at my own expense, to move forward I have to accept the reality of me having been hurt (does nothing to prevent court from happening and I would hope is not the kind of behavior toward me encouraged by what court is for). The best way forward is to prove Im a good human being. Honest.