Im at a point in my career where Im thinking about what writing is for, not on a level that Im allowing myself to live a lesser life, or need to constantly experience the nightmare of voices or bullying or self harm to the extent that I need to give up, only means that its time for me to put into perspective my own mental health, and my own trauma, and my own sense of privacy, and what therapy is for. The difference between now and my last court date, is that I am not talking to anyone, I have no support, no pen pals, no love interest, Im struggling, Im crying, Im giving up or ending up in the hospital. Im sober, Im doing my best, and in the middle of all my honesty, have not lost faith in voices prevention, and know that I am spending my energy wisely to blog, and to earn the right to live in peace, or publish, blog, or simply live life. I wouldn’t be working on a book, or sharing drafts of a book, if I were in a lesser life, or suffering from voices, then that would mean it’s not necessary to publish a book or blog online, if I am suffering, or need to go to therapy. Im sorry but I don’t think court can explain to you, what Im going through, or makes writing unnecessary. All I know is I spent a week writing, and don’t have voices right now, which means it was worth writing to prevent voices, and that is about just as much as I know about being given a hard time, suffering from symptoms, or how much I needed to write, to prevent myself form being harmed by voices, and maybe that’s unreal, and not a recognized struggle. I don’t need to publish a book to be important, or change my story, or be sued, to improve or live a better life, consider all punishment, as difficult, makes you look bad, is probably what is causing voices, or bullying, and probably can’t explain how life works or how life is happening, and decide that my mental health or 1 symptom “voices” should be the cornerstone of what I should suffer from right now in this moment, is no ones fault. What I take from being in a place that no one can relate to, or being in a place bullied, simply means that Im being told that I am someone in life, who is not important, who is not recognized as helpful, whos suddenly confused for something else, just because life is not working out in the positive, decide at any point, to exclude me or compare me, or expect me to speak in a way, differently here, than in AA, or in therapy, or to court, or in private, it’s all the same suffering, why am I getting voices, what have I said that has demonstrated that I am not feeling well and something is wrong, is so alarming or unforgiveable about my experience with voices, doesn’t mean Im deserving of punishment. Being in court, reminds me that I don’t have to be online, I don’t have to share, I don’t have to write in public, I don’t have to discuss mental health, I don’t have to share my experiences, and I don’t have to tell my story if Im going to be hurt. All campaigns aside, this is about who I am or figuring out why I am not feeling well, I don’t care how many times you force discussion of symptoms, or how many times I experience mental illness, or hospitalization, it’s not anything I should have experience with, bullying or voices, at this point it doesn’t matter what hate website, or what anyone thinks, because if I am struggling its my job to take care of myself, and maybe the best way to make sure no one else is hurt, is to not let anyone blame me, make fun of my life, use my story, interrogate me, make fun of me, compare me, expect me to talk to anyone, expect me to blog, or make my experience with mental health comparable to anyone else’s or use meds or alcohol to justify a treatment of me poor, or use court to accuse me of doing anything wrong. In all the ways I survived a lot, and did my best, don’t ever accuse me of not trying hard, or being forgetful, or call me a speakeasy. It is not okay to make fun of spending $20,000 on an attorney, and $375/session on therapy, having lived my entire life sober, on as prescribed, having no meds in my room (to prevent self harm or suicide overdose) be given a hard time over symptoms, or allow myself to be humiliated and exposed or forced to write or share my story, just to not get voices, will never make sense to me. Im sorry but I cant just go to treatment, and be expected to start over or forget who I am, be watched or monitored, or given a hard time pushed, and to ignore 10 hospitalizations occurring when sober, doesn’t mean I forget my own disability, or complaining, it just means if Im getting voices, and choose to not write, whether spoken to addressed, privately reported, real or unreal, I just have to do my best, and no its not my fault if I get voices, and no voices does not mean that Im guilty, or any experience make it okay to traumatize me, be threatened or present online in way, to which no one can relate, no one has ever heard of, no one is expected to help me, no court is responsible for what happens to me, mean Ive changed or lied. Right now whats most important is to be in control of my own content and my own life, not miss therapy spending days discussing why I should not get voices bullying me, for bullying voices to stop, and expect that where I am now, forgets what I have said, or spent days working on writing forgetful, that’s not how life works. The problem with voices, is that its no ones problem, when Im upset, its then upsetting to create confusion or discussion that someone would be insulted by or think less of me, or create excuses for difficulties think that there is some simple solution to summarize my life, you expect me to keep forgetting my life, is not the solution for moving on, or how to help others. Its not okay for me to be put in a lesser life, it’s not okay for me to be in court for any lawsuit if I can’t afford an attorney, then be given problems to accuse me of making anyone else uncomfortable or use voices to declare people have a problem with me, and for there to be no solution for convincing everyone (symptoms) mean actual people, and expect me to know what to do, once anyone decides that bullying is okay, I really don’t have a solution, for forcing me to live a lesser life, or just get voices for the rest of my life, is clearly not deserved and not the solution. What Im doing right now with my life, is going to therapy and working hard to improve, and not let mental illness and dysfunction be used against me. No it’s not funny to work hard and for any judge to give me a hard time, I don’t deserve to be treated that way, Ive not done anything to communicate to any judge to punish me, or ruin my life, prevent me from living life. Ive been in court for two years now, and it’s never been an issue bothering anyone, or a difficulty that anyone else should be bothered by or confused about.