It’s never been more clear watching my life not work out, experience disability, self-harm, questioning hostility, or voices, or mental health against me. The lesson is that wellness is not some memorized rehearsed ability or muscle memory, that any safe space should be accused of enabling or disabling a person’s right to return to normalcy. The biggest mistake of my life, was to be brough to court, and after two years of working hard, be given a hard time as though I have knowingly done anything wrong. It’s safe to say I am in a place in life, where I need to be alone, and work on myself, not be accused, or use my image or create hate websites to offend others, or further victimize me overcomplicate the subject of innocence or story, In the end Im not in control of what other people believe or what they are offended by nor am I immune or in a place in life, I should be guaranteed to get well resume normalcy or constantly be mistreated as though I can handle mistakes, or anger, threat, being called offensive terms, or expected to blog or write online, share, submit documents, compose research papers, provide drafts, publish anything for free, or be prevented from publishing a book, let court punish me over alcohol, or use alcohol or sobriety as an excuse for anything mental health related. The issue is Im not overreacting or acting in defiance playing stupid, pretending to victim, acting, inappropriate, upsetting, wrong, or unkindly addressing court or any news story, its about how my communications in private are being used to accuse me of making mistakes I know mistreat me as though Im observing life or questioning, any orgins of light or acceptance or overly concerned bothered by anyone. It’s not about me not fitting in, being offended, hurt and not belonging, or using alcohol to not punch my head, or discontinue blogging online, in whatever my way worked out a team player and surviving court that was one life lived. I don’t think its necessary to publicize a discontinuation of messaging with someone who keeps publishing hate websites harmful to me, and discount who I am as a human being tolerant and not blaming anyone, or neglect to address death in a way, I am someone who should later be accsued of not accepting my own faults in life, or in denial of my way of life. I don’t need to be sued or with a job told Im mentally ill to let me know that I don’t belong in society in court, in treatment, to make a tough decision to not contact anyone and be alone, or surviving or dying for not reason, a person who you observe and punish in public to communicate to the public I am someone less than who doesn’t amount to a person of value, you can continue to record and force me to relive moments, that you decide to add value to  hate website you continue to memorialize or give credit and appreciation to as a helpful representation of who I am or my story, if that’s the case I don’t need to talk to anyone, or address court or attend meetings, or be reprimanded or accused of not having been treated, or losing wellness, or be accused of suicide or mental illness, being my fault. The lesson is I don’t have to keep track, keep up, continue to respond to a person, testing my limits and spreading hurtful rumor, and not take court seriously, or use my story as script to tell me whats wrong with me, so everyone can be right on one eachothers team in life, that’s not helping me in life, to hurt me, and use one another to continue to tell me Im nobody or guilty, use court or diagnosis, substance or writing, as though Im strong enough to be hated given a hard time or prosecuted, or deserving of being sent to jail. Im not working hard to be accepted or be normal, someone who just losing their senses or says something wrong, like some predictable issue that you can repeatedly condemn me for, or a system of using my writing, and continue to address losses and wrongfully prosecute me or blame me accuse me of not being loved or working hard creating a system that works and is trusted form of communication, just means its my websites that are being attacked and who I am. The issue is not who I am once events and life is scripted to confront and support or used as defense or continue to push my tolerance or sensitivity on issues expect me to just handle being called terms, or use job, overwhelm, wellness, calendar, court, report, or any comment from me as saying something wrong to deserve to sound stupid. What I learned about living life, and being in court, and sharing honestly and openly, is that no one cares about you if they are told that you are someone to not care about, and it doesn’t matter if you work hard believe in yourself, once someone accuses you and keeps hurting you, it continues to become a system of degrading you calling you offensive, using love, acceptance or text messages against you, and continue to use lawsuit to criticize me threaten me create an intolerance toward me or game of treating me as stupid, scaring me, intimidating me, wrongfully accusing me, or expect my help. I think Im clear on focusing on court and needing to help myself, and clear on what the consequences of a hate website are and what that means and what is causing voices, and no there is nothing that anyone can do, no Im not avoidant or don’t report voices get help, no Im not an alcoholic no I am not punching my head, and no I don’t deserve to be forced to cut communications be in court, be threatened, keep using court and judges to call me offensive, and keep asserting Todd Spitzer as victim to me, what doesn’t matter is who I was innocent, what doesn’t matter is my mental health, what doesn’t matter is sobriety, what doesn’t matter is being loved, what doesn’t matter is punching my head or giving up in life, what doesn’t matter is being forced to help or realize some other faith or existence in life, that you blame mental health for why my life is destroyed and why nothing is working out for me, why Im not able to work, why Im getting voices, whats not a big deal about a report, whats not a big deal about a hate website, or expect me to perform or be online, Im not online to be loved and be accused of being difficult or sick that’s not what Im asking for in life, Im not asking to be mistreated as sober accuse me confessions or misconduct or failure to admit what Ive done wrong, or use death, or my family against me accuse me of living a poor life or hurting anyone that I love, its not the pattern that justifies a hate website its why am I expected to blog or be in court or write anything, or get hurt, once my life is prevented based on every communication or inattendance of change in the end how does hurting me support who I love and why does hurting me help people who you accuse of loving me and not deserving love or 39 years of life. So don’t be offended that because of lawsuit I don’t belong in treatment and cant afford the diagnosis of schizophrenia, don’t be surprised before therapy on Tuesdays, I constantly get sick burned out forced to write or unappreciative of help. I had a life and plenty of opportunities to just improve and take a light approach to life, but instead please accept Im in a place, where its been decided by hate website or any court judge to openly call me offensive threaten me accuse me of explainable mental illness, force me to face insensitivity, not be taken seriously, played, used, condemned, unsupported, turned on, force me to perform or complain if I get sick, or wonder too hard why Im home and not working, or why Im  not sober, because being sober and working hard wasn’t good enough for court, because my losses weren’t good enough for court, because keep putting me in places in life, you use hate website or what other people think of me against me to reinforce there being something wrong with me, life is not about me drinking and being wrong, its about not writing moving on, handling difficulty prosecution and hate website and focus on court and stop communicating with others, and to accept my life is worse and not working out now and resulting in voices or loss of support, because of alcohol and punching my head, wrongfully accusing me.

Reblogged: 01-08-24