In the spirit of trauma, and mass catastrophe, I’m going to continue to pause for a moment and change my approach to discussing voices (negative, bullying) and do my best to have compassion for all people, of varying personality types, and economic backgrounds, and ages, and do my best to not fight, and in an intellectual way legible way, describe what is happening for me, during the experience of negativity, whats slowing me down, or preventing me from being mobile or working, or writing, with enthusiasm in a positive spirit, and figure out how to pick myself up again, put down.

The past is the past you can only move forward. I apologize for how escalated the discussion of negative terminology got, during the course of managing a new condition alcohol while preventing an old condition hitting my head, while not allowing myself to “lose” on a level by any means or due to voices that cant be proven nor can the origins be identified as coming from me, or prove a source clearly, Ive never imagined unrelated to a hate website being made, noticed a clear difference between my sense of peace with it down, compared to with it up was suffocating, disorienting, I was a nervous wreck, manic, punching my head, could barely write, went through several phases of writing squares trying to argue and beg for voices to stop, begging for some sense of normalcy. But you know maybe there will never be anything that anyone can take the right way, or any one sense of humor that all should relate to, maybe we are not comforted by the same sense of humor, or reality or truths in life, and to each his own is entitled to their own interpretation of economy, code, work product, production, finished product, business names, so on and so forth, in the end what is controlling, not me, Im not controlling code, songs and movies are not made in alignment to my story I have not written a book on, with a brief disclosure on IMDb summarizing my diagnosis in a positive way, and life evolves, and so does respect, but I don think Im prejudicial toward anyone keeping an open line of communication open online with privilege, and have never been sued or reported for my blogging, or received any reports on social media, or punishments on any service. I think Ive been pretty good about that. Sometimes based on who you are and what you say, becomes a game for others to study and pick you apart, compete with you intellectually, and try to make you feel small, or not in control of your own life and words, and that’s a sad basis to suffer, to be made to change or not be yourself, there is no excuse for hurtful words, of any kind, and clearly not necessary to discuss any negative terms or bring up race, seeing my audience is world wide, me best friend was black, Ive dated black men in college basketball players, I lost my virginity to someone black, this has been a clear misunderstanding spreading a rumor of racism. In addition I do believe the bullying is associated to misidentifying me as not cool, or not intelligent, or not popular, winning, successful, or experience monetary gain only for the first time November earning a job that pays $4000 month, a wage Ive worked hard for my whole life my first job $8/hr.

When I think of negative voices, its not there is nothing that I can do to fix a situation, or need tob be graded on the management of my own mental health issue, require assistance, but its more about how am I dealing with voices constructively, using my time in therapy $375/hr, to continue to receive assistance in dealing with voices, and figuring myself out, so that I can succeed. Today I was thinking about writing about resentments, which to me are things that you cant get over. It would be a shame to continue on not supported, or let rumor run rampant, toward me and question my general knowledge of life, and influence in life, or judge the meaning of my experiences in life not allow myself to be confused, or belittled, or bullied, is nothing commonly associated to how women interact with eachother, but how men interact with eachother, and Im a woman, and Im not in a gang, I have memberships and 12 years worth of correspondence and privilege earned to to get to write in public and be trusted. Part of being trusted in basic, being able to retain something that you are told and not repeating what you hear, which could be a game among criminals, or a theory on the practice of law and having clients, whoever voices are its not been helpful to repeat what is said had only done me damage to my mental health, and resulting in repeated incidents and continued repetition of hurtful words. The best way to direct my attentions, would be to other things other than voices, that’s how to be in control of myself and not allow myself to turn into something worse in reflection of something that someone else had said, is not deserved by any bad photo, to be mistreated based on weight or modeling or selfies, or growing up on Rockingham, best friends with the daughter of OJ Simpson, I think on many levels you can say wow she has such a beautiful life and she had so many friends, Im so glad to meet Leslie, and on the other hand as a person of success or a person in public connected to a story that is connected to the Kardashians, compared on a political level as to how my life affects others, unclear on a general agreement and mutual respect for one another which is IMDb and what is required of you to be famous or be close to children of celebrities, my Facebook is not a special specific number of friends, who I highly value, people who have accepted me based on who I am now, compared to periods less social, or now not dating, I think I did the best I could. I think on mymollydoll.com you got a person who sounded like they supported all women and people tried to build connections with other bloggers, and working her hardest to create a Retweet account on Twitter (X) for bloggers to share and manage a feed distributing the work of others, that would be a dream to create a magazine for bloggers, feature bloggers and courses, do the research and be helpful in that way. I wouldn’t say my goals have changed on a website with my name, made prior to the War on Israel, and Ukraine, (Im part Ukranian and Israeli, my Grandma was born in Tel Aviv) proud of my roots. As someone who is proud of herself I don’t think being on a blog using my name is much different than who I was on mymollydoll.com, its still for others and for everyone, who are looking to read something of value helping for coping with thoughts or symptoms, you never know who can be helped by opening up.

So again I apologize, for the disorganization in terms of arguments, and sharing my feelings about court, things should go well, I have to go to psychiatry once a week and therapy once a week, to be accepted in a mental health diversion program, so far so good, that’s all I have to do, the Attorney General has written not guilty, there is a mutual support for me to continue to move forward in life, in treatment, Im sure theres an expectation to stay sober, my blogging has never been an issue, and the hate website has not been brought up or used against me in terms of why Im in court.

I apologize for disagreement as to in what ways sexuality has become a very demeaning subject for me discouraging me for selfie and modeling or dating for the moment. I apologize for comparing the P word to the N word or the F word, which later turned into a additional punishing series of rumors being spread accused of racism, and for that lack of clarity remaining between that and voices and myself, and my conversations period, create a distaste for me, which is something that everyone can feel if there is distaste toward you, if you are unlikeable or not social, or not sober, or cant work, or being judged as being a nodody, Im sure Im not conveying that message, clearly the only solution to dealing with severely put down with voices beginning sober home from sober living before going back on meds, has not been easy getting back to normal, nowhere near giving up throwing my life away, or allowing for negative voices, to change me, or change my content, or be punished on any level I take “voices” personally, is my own issue, something I have to deal with for the rest of my life, and if I have to write and discuss until it stops then that’s what I will be doing for the rest of my life to earn my peace. But never at any point in 12 years as a writer, or correspondent or website builder, a person who is not legally trained to do legal research and writing, speaking lessor online, or someone who is insulted so many times with no proof, a degradation and dysfunction mental should occur to make me sound angry and ghetto or use bullying to address school shootings, or contemplate my high school experience, decide to make up a person who did not exist then and if not now, at not point in time have I been calling for negative attention or underserving of negative attention, its alwsys been my goal to publish a book, no matter what is discussed. I don’t think Im exposing code, or commenting on the creation of music or movies, crediting myself and a long paragraph story on IMDb, or whatever reasons I am ranked high if that cant prove Im a good person and reliable and helpful, and if voices are trying to prove Im other things in life, these are not issues worth discussing in court and clearly I am spending $375/hr once a week to figure out how to deal with voices, so whoever voices are know that it costs $375/week or $250/session for a year, to come up with a solution, not to mention make a hard decision on how to backtrack from fighting and not get trashed for any reason, let my life be ruined, or be apart of spreading rumors, to allow for people to interpret code as coming from my Instagram an ode to me, a person who is not respectable I think I am respected and can get a job, because I respect others, I think I have had many female friends, because Im a good person, who is friended, I don’t think my issue is sexuality which is why the terminology is an unclear unwelcomed sense of reality or life in terms of the big picture, Im not punishing people who say the word, but Im a woman, and Im not a man, and Im not gay, so I don’t understand why I would be called something when I stay away from everyone, and my life is fun in a non sexual way period I can work and function and have a great sense of energy and presence that is relied upon, a person who is reached out to talked to, who they expected to stay at the job kept telling me how many people tried to do this job and didn’t make me, told me as a person who they thought would be able to make it, is not about my faith, or my sexuality is not impeding my personal growth, my life story can be written in a book, its not a life you use OJ and the Kardashians to expose me and humiliate a law student who graduated from Thomas Jefferson School of Law. Makes no sense to me, I will continue to be confident Ive not said anything to spur an attack on me, and also reminded that the recent upsets and caps lock, are all results using words to control me change me misdirect me, sabotage me, take money away, ruin relationships, and the symptoms can be overwhelming, that doesn’t mean Im not on a team, or have issues with men or women or a person who dislikes others, I think I show up and do my best, so no life isn’t some obvious code or common understanding that I should be excluded from or not capable of earning back trust deleting all the ways I was made to suffer and spoke up I can delete all those comments from my Instagram and never allow that to happen again to me on any level, is worth brining up how the word P and the N word and the word F has ruined my life, caused mistreatment of me, increased symptoms worsening since leaving treatment, and clearly I did my best and wish to move forward at the time, I don’t prefer to be accused or threatened, or mistreated as someone who is not intelligent or losing to anyone in life, it’s a free country, you can think and say whatever you want to say in life, you can read and support and think anything you want to think about life, Im not a person in the world judging anyone, I cant even remember faces, names, or things they say, so Im not that person who is critical of myself or others, or someone who writes a quotes or is the joke, that’s not code. And no using the P word or the N word of the F word or court does not give anyone permission to steal from me, use me, make money off of me, blame me, hack me, or tamper, is an invasion, and is obviously a discomforting experience for whatever it means to be attacked in life then made fun of for what I sound like upset, is not how I want to live my life, why those posts have been deleted and removed from my Instagram, sometimes its not helping to let voices win, sometimes voices don’t stop, sometimes voices don’t care who you are, sometimes voices go against you, sometimes there is nothing you can do, sometimes you get suicidal, and sometimes you punch your head to get voices to stop and that’s what I did last night to survive torment.

I’m going to AA tonight, to be with my support group, its time to move on and focus on my life whats ahead of me and continue to do my best, its not about what other people think of me which voices represent and it not my job to please everyone or be punished everytime I say something someone doesn’t like blogging is a tough job why majority of people dont blog or have public instagrams, so voices, please lighten up.