If there is one thing that I have learned from getting voices, is to not fight voices, it only makes you sound bad, combative and you end up being the person who appears to be losing in life, losing your mind, derailed, off track, not on course. To me having a sense of peace is what directs you back on course, Im learning to deal with voices, on no meds, or 1 med a day, pace myself, to begin again. To me voices presents this unreal reality of negative judgment, and the fear is that the unreal reality as described will become your reality, and actual people will come to regard you in the negative. I have yet to experience that in life, luckily, and hope to never have people problems in life. Being a nice person is your best bet, whether or not others understand your voices, hate website or not, if you know it’s not true, that’s all you have to trust and guide you past and move on and rise above, and that’s what Im choosing to do with my life, to see the positive, not allow myself to fall victim to bullying, or end up in the ICU responding to bullying that cannot be proven, which written about only makes things worse not better. That is my dilemma presently staying well, and being off meds, not engage in argument with anyone, not be fought, not come across as combative, not be judged for how Im dealing with voices, or question my writing as a true and accurate reflective progress of overcoming bullying, and coming out on the other end the bigger person, like getting a full time job. If I had to do that to feel good about myself again, then to continue to challenge myself to do things that will make me feel good about myself. When it comes to role models, and all age ranges, I always think what is the issue to which all can relate in a way, not turn a professional conversation about life, and mental health, into a sick discussion about voices, or other adult private issues. I think the fact I am single and hardworking and able to get a job, is enough to be trusted in life and be considered a role model, someone who betters you by knowing me. Whereas the prior belief is “you are who you surround yourself by” be judged by hanging around different kinds of people, and viewed as lesser. After all is said and done, I still have to remember who I am, how I grew up, and not fall victim to voices, which are not my fault. Not my guilts, not my problem in life, not my choice terminology in life, to me that’s not how life works out, relating everything to words, or make fun of my upbringing or story, and present an inaccurate conclusion about progress and safety, which I do believe definitely includes me and the work that I have been doing in life, is making life a safe place and is protecting others from harm, and that my mental health is a beneficial conversation about life, that’s not corroded by politics, money, or any other issue, used to judge the quality of interaction in life. In reading a book today, she describes a story about her and a friend who hear about a story “about a young woman on a spiritual path was the catalyst for her own awakening, which redirected the course of her life.” [1] To me when thinking about bullying I worry not for myself but for everyone, who could possibly be lied to or convinced I am a lesser person, or someone who cant be trusted. Being a commercial blogger, I would never partake in a lifestyle or share step work, is no life I should be ashamed of living, and that my recovery is inspirational to people without jobs, who may be struggling, depressed, or cant get clean and sober, and don’t have anything, to make better choices for themselves, and by meeting me someone special, they are able to feel special too. That’s the gift that keeps giving back. This book also reminds us to “appreciate what you do have puts you in the right state of mind to receive better opportunities, and it makes you more receptive to creative solutions you otherwise might have missed.” [2]  That being said, I have tried battling voices in treatment, on different meds, not working for periods in time, being taken off meds, being sober, in therapy, by writing online, using messenger as system of support so that I don’t have to be left alone with voices, or taken away by voices, and harmed by the experience, I think Im doing a great job of being me, no matter what is real, no matter what anyone thinks, no matter what the concern is, no matter who what upsets or anger represents, and no matter what the issue is sought to be argued against me, I know Im in court, Im innocent, Im not criminal, I correspond with courts, I don’t have power, I get robbed, I have to do my best, I don’t have the privilege of not getting in trouble, and it is very expensive to hire an attorney with money that I don’t have. And I also don’t take blogging lightly, or not find terms a very serious subject, and as a human being doing my best to not bother anyone, not friend anyone, and not date, and to me that is the solution for the confusion created by offending me, or insulting me, or hurting me, or victimizing me, over any diagnosis. I know that Im not schizophrenic, I went to law school, to not compare me to other people diagnosed as something insulting and offensive, and to respect my sense of self and if I shared about it, and have been treated, not open things up to create for more voices or insult is not the solution, is not world peace, does not drive home the issue, is not how you treat a woman myself, is not true, and its not appropriate to make me talk about voices in public and be judged, everyone is offered opportunity in life to complain, I created a contact page that permits you to complain about anything, anyone can hack or judge me, I don’t need security, and no lawsuit is enabling others to hurt me, or mean anything is my fault, its my right to privacy, its my story, Im allowed to work on my own, and correspond with scotus, I don’t have to partner with anyone, or apply for award, or get hurt or need to be taught lessons in life, about staying away, when I am independent and stay away from everyone, and need my space to rest and recharge and value my alone time, and given time to think about a life, which voices interrupts. I would say if voices are real, and if those terms are a real issue, to then call the police or file a report, and that is how you bring people to justice for the crimes that you accuse them of committing. I don’t think that going to law school, and having a career, means I am off limits for making fun of me, comparing me, or treating me as less than because I don’t have money, that’s not what anyone wants. So instead of being given voices, and made fun of for setting boundaries or cursing or talking back to voices, which don’t exist, and not waste space on my blog to be hurt by voices like yesterday. Accept that I worked hard, I don’t have meds, I don’t deserve voices, Im not guilty, it’s not fair to wrongfully accuse me that’s not a joke, and is a very serious and life threatening subject to spread rumor or try to prosecute me using the people or voices to punish me, is no ones right to create a nightmare for me, or disregard my effort in writing battling voices, or ending up in the ICU, battling voices. I twisted my ankle yesterday and fell, it was very painful, and I cant walk today, need to see a doctor. I just got home from the hospital, and still getting voices, based on the arguments made before I ended up in the hospital, is not an experience that I forget, and not willing to give up on myself, or accept anyones anger, not brought in court, or via telepathy or wires or connection, Im a quiet person, I don’t believe in body to body transfers of energy and information, to me is inhumane test of a person’s gift in life, to hear people or try to destroy my face or body, is a very sickening subject unreal.

Reference:

[1] Super Attractor by Gabrielle Bernstein (Barnes and Noble)