What I wrote yesterday:

It has gotten to the point, of upset, being called “____ _____” after being hospitalized, which is no ones business, its my life to live, and no I don’t deserve to be hurt. It’s become so unsupportive, no calendar dates, or messages, or privacy required, if anyone is trying to hurt me sabotage me, or prevent things from working out for me, that’s not in my control, and I also don’t need to talk about all the ways Im living honestly, and no at this time its not a big deal, for what I wrote, its not my job to think about what provoked anyone to steal from me, or what they read that made them come to a decision to steal from me, and take from me. I just have to do my best to live my life, and be in control of myself, it’s my job to write to the best of my ability. It’s not for me to discuss court, or talk about personal difficulties voices, no I am not going to the hospital for voices and no I am not going to harm myself or commit suicide, given a hard time in life, or not supported by voices, its not my fault. I’m not schizophrenic, I think life will always have excuses and justifications for hurting me, that’s not my job, to judge others or be judged asking for help in life, and no that’s not okay to use my life, or judge the consequences of buying an LLC, losing my website, and domain name all in the same month, is however its intended to hurt me and means whatever it is intended to communicate to others something about me, relative to something they think, and not my job to be hurt or let my life be ruined, or be judged depending on where I am in life, whats said or what I sound like. I don’t have meds to keep up with voices, and I don’t have to write off meds, or be required to attend court if I am not given meds, then I cant make the hour drive, and if Im not given meds, to speak in court, then I don’t want to attend court if I am punished and meds are taken away from me the one month, adderrall was filled, and Mom preferred Ritalin and got both, and managing a week of meds, with some left over wasted today after getting likes and writing clear, with voices occurring with a preference to call me “_____ _______” and put me in the ICU and think that’s a joke, and call it schizophrenia, I don’t care at this point what I did well, or why anyone is trying to change me, I have to think for myself, I cant afford to live disabled, or waste time and energy, being affected by “world peace” Meta World Peace jokes, shouting at my head, and making up diagnosis, that’s not going to help Tech, and a a lawsuit is not going to explain, loss of support in Tech, or able to control hacking or what is being used against me, right now Im trying to stay alive, and not be called suicidal, and not because of what is shared to me, used as a script to make things hard for me to understand mistreat me or accuse me of being an offender, or not a woman myself, is beyond me the extreme lengths that are taken, to expect me to reset and go back to normal, and pretend that the world is nice and everything is okay, and really question why am I alive, and really spend time talking about why I don’t deserve to die, trying to ruin everything I say and use it as ammunition or a game, to get me to change, or create for excuses to steal from me, and use voices to justify it. Right now I need to focus on myself, focus on my age, forget my twenties and thirties it was my choice to be a writer, whether working in law or publishing books and I know its up to me to write posts and be supported and get a like. And have recently experienced being new on threads and getting likes, to getting voices and fighting, and now not be getting likes. So that’s a new issue, in terms of losing support, accusing me of sounding bad, and using people from my life, and accuse me of being mean, or not playful, or paranoid, or allowing myself to look bad, never was I the joke, or clown, I always took life seriously, and had friendships. Right now is why should I be alive if Im being observed or reported or not allowed to have emotions, or talk, I think my life is better off lived quiet, why should I stay in therapy, told to not video blog, and require a second opinion, to take meds away, and not care for the fact that even if off meds, given a hard time, and with one post about the hospital kind enough to share, now is not the time someone who knows me is reading, or would be shocked or time to talk about me, not while fires are ongoing. And I refuse to be blamed, prove that I am a company, I don’t care what you steal from me, phones, computers, data, photos, accounts, its my life to live, not about me saying things wrong, or calling me offensive, or hearing my story, and not care if anything bad happens to me recognize my own trauma. Life has gotten to the point, that I am slowly deciding to never move on, after how I was treated twice, and that damage to my mental health cannot be undone, and hospital is not a sanctuary away from voices, Im expected to go. I think making a game out of knowing who I love, and not respecting me, is telling me to never love anyone again for the rest of my life, and voices tell me, to not go to meetings, and to not make friends, and to also not message, is telling me that my safety needs, and sense of peace is not valued or appreciated, based on being given voices, to separate me and not care about knowing me, or hearing how Ive recovered to try to devalue my books, by accusing me of not being recovered, and forget I was hospitalized 10 times, and I don’t deserve to be given a hard time in life, living sober and not bothering anyone. And whats shocking about my story, is not about all the reasons I am not loved, or all the things that I should be scared of or make me look bad, its all the excuses that are being created to justify sickness, or not appreciate my explanations or hard work, and act like easy decisions can be made against me, like Im not measuring up or someone is making a choice to punish me to communicate something private or something they think Ive done wrong. In the end I just have to do my best. Its not my job to self harm, or expect me to just go back to living life, or get a job, or get voices, and expect me to keep going, I don’t deserve that. The fact that anyone is lightening up and not still beating me, isn’t about my peace as disturbed by voices, its about why am I not valued as recovered, and why are you accusing my content of being offensive online. Why would any image of me be so offensive that a state in which I have court forms to shown online, be affected, and why would anyone steal and jeopardize my health, in the middle of a crisis, or continue to call me names, and accuse me of changing or not being who I was on mymollydoll.com. I am the same person then, as I am here, and I don’t have to put up with anything in life, or be accused of being sick, or justify any reason for taking meds away from me, and force me to live life off meds, and no able to work, isn’t the solution, to just let voices and everyone who hurt me, get away with everything, and steal from me, and take everything away, not deserved.

Republished: 01-26-25