Reflection/Symptom: What is like going to bed with voices bothering me, saying please stop, what its like waking up and getting voices, and how its nothing to do with medication or anything that Ive said, thinking of all the created excuses, for witnessing my life, misrepresenting me, recovering and overcoming, think about my own sadness, my own losses, my own feelings, thinking about my own life, figure out why I died and what caused me to die, is my right to privacy, how can the public or voices expect an explanation from someone who just collapsed, I have a good life, everyone is nice to me, its not fair to create this alternate reality of scaring me or using voices call me sick. Its gotten to the point that writing for 12 years with no voices, cant solve 2025 and to me thats very upsetting after everything that Ive been through and all the times I took chances to help, or speak in public, or create two instagrams and website no I dont think its my fault. I dont think mental health is an easy subject and I dont wish to be treated poorly or given a hard time in life, simply because Im not famous or have money, thats the problem of not publishing or being paid, people dont know when you are good, and there is more of a chance for negative judgment to ruin your life.

Some Things Will Never Change …….

You can do your best and live an honest life, and always tell the truth, yet at the same time you can be given a hard time for your truth, or sense of reality. Always being at peace is the goal, its something that we all have to work on meditation. I never shyed away from painful or difficult subjects considering my own life and my own value, would never expect to be hurt for anything that Ive said, or not taken seriously. I would never think that after 12 years of writing and what Ive been through to get sick or end up bullied for any reason, some things are not your fault and not justified. You know suicide is a big subject for me, because I have been suicidal before and discussed the moments in which I committed suicide, something you always think about what happened, what you can do better, not a suffering that says anything about anyone, or minimize the processing of conflict or bring up politics or regard my life or address to the public as a poor, representation coming from the OJ Simpson story. Im not even sure how reconnecting with my best friend and texting and being in a better place now, is deserving of voices. You know when it comes to mental health you wonder, what are the causes for voices, is no ones fault, something that people get away with, doesn’t bother them, and some people suffer, and its not my fault. I think one of the most difficult challenges of connecting with others, is suffering isolated or when alone getting voices, and being disconnected is really hard for me. I wonder how many times do you have to get sick before you get better, how many times do you have to suffer or experience symptoms, not make that my reality, a nightmare, not create a chaos over me, not affect my purpose in life, how many times should I endure something not be accused of things I am not, is not what conversation or talking to a DA is, is not what symbolizes my life, and is not something that I take lightly. On many levels I am a successful blogger, everyone knows me supports me, on some level I cant prove, whoever saw these websites or heard about my suicide attempts is judging me, or my sobriety my education, life difficulties, isn’t about causing a scene. I think you can be studied in private and be hurt and no one can help you with that. You can famous and everyone can know you and you can still get sick, such as myself. In the end its not the content or the negative take on my life, that is governing the content of others, I don’t view life as being a reflection of what Im wrongfully accused of in public, to me that’s not what life is about or membership or working hard, or getting a job, is not about making anyone feel bad, or proving anyone wrong, or being hard on anyone, or confusing symptoms, and conversation or appointment scheduling to illustrate a pattern of getting sick before appointments, or deadlines, or calendaring my medication refills, not everything in life, is about proving me wrong or what Ive done wrong, that’s not what distrust or a hate website is for, its not okay to do that to women, I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, that’s not how I photograph myself I don’t have sex, I was purposefully hurt and exposed to be hurt, that hurt has manifested in voices, which I don’t deserve to be punished for. I handled everything myself privately for 4 years gave this person ample opportunity to speak to me, support me, unfortunately what he posted online resulted in mental illness for me, and a suicide attempt in August, and as a result I don’t believe that I gave anyone a hard time, asking him to stop sending me death threats and to stop threatening me, maybe its hard to imagine, but please don’t mistake my openness, bring up rape or sexuality on a level you blame me or call me stupid, it could happen to anyone, and no Im not a liar, and yes it matters is I am not believed, it matters made fun of, it matters given a hard time, and no its not okay to just let the course of life happen or judge me as being in the wrong, its his job to defend himself, and explain to investigators what he thinks explain what he did, what the was the purpose for doing what he did, its not my job to handle stuff or take anything for anyone or be treated as guilty, and its very unfortunate the views on sexuality these days that you call people these names and disrespect women on this level, me included, it’s a very sad and sensitive subject that I don’t think is being solved by taking me off adderrall. When I sense the anger the resentment of other people upon dislike, I think to myself, what is going to stop these people from hating me, or bullying me, or calling me sick things, should I stop blogging, should I stop writing, should I talk in therapy, should I stop taking adderrall, should I stop talking about life and court, should I not campaign or have a public presence. Every issue that comes up is an opportunity for me to respond in a way that I am not hurt by every subject political known to mankind, not be judged as less than, or be accused of having problems or issues with others, please respect my quotes. Its for no one to judge my reality poorly, require constant description or accusation, when I say its not about others, that’s not the solution to just allow me to get hurt let him get away with it, reject me or call me trash, or expect me to just move on, get a job, present in public, or attend AA, when I get voices, I don’t want to talk to anyone, Im made to fight for an undetermined length of time that separates me from support. We lose chances on respecting the reality of life as everyone being nice, we are damaging the concept of me knowing I am famous, and not an experiment for judgment or proof in public to prevent voices, and no job or economic status or boyfriend, are just opportunities to know me, making my story hard by forcing me to tell any man I talk to what I am called, and to make fun of how uncomfortable is not the solution, nor is ruining a month sober, giving me voices talking to Kevin Costner, or expect me to talk to Todd Spitzer, not respect me saying when isolated I get sick by voices, when solution is prevented I wonder what is true, what to talk about, whats coming from me, what have I said, what don’t they like, I think about reality and everyone, its shocking for me to die, I don’t wish for that to happen to anyone, give things time to process, not everything is ya ya okay this that okay, I don’t appreciate being treated that way. Not everything is about you, is responding to voices making things about them, Im not affecting their love, their potential, Im not giving anyone legal problems, Im not employing anyone or giving anyone work, I can function independently. What being hospitalized has taught me is that no one lets up even if you get hurt and that’s what Im accepting. So instead of viewing life as affected by me, think about life as a whole and everyone who is representing life, not justify hurting me is not what anyone wants. I don’t think its okay to wrongfully accuse me, bring up something he’s said a private conversation or an email, not consider risks to my health and privacy, consider what Im going through.