It’s taking awhile to think about what to say after getting sick, its not been an easy return to blogging, but I am doing my best to make the most of things and think about what Ive said, and continue to find solution for issues better discuss things so that I do not suffer from voices.

What can be the most diplomatic solution for discussion to which no one is offended, everyone is entitled to express themselves, and nothing is said in a way taken personally. When it comes to happiness, you know that’s not a requirement to live life to have it all, its stuff that everyone dreams of having, and for some that does not happen for them. Take for example me, someone who focused on law school and blogging, getting paid jobs in law too late in my 30s, and not in a condition of confidence or readiness for future planning, no longer day to day and sober and proud, still working toward not having problems in life and not say things in a way, that I get hurt.

I don’t know how many ways I can help and others can get strong, or why my instability would be a disappoint to others, or ever think that Im the one that has to go, or leave, or be in a hospital to lessen anyones load in life. I don’t think is coming from me. I was told that mental health is not contagious, its been hard after all these years, to popularize the subject of mental health to which everyone is giving mental health support but few are hospitalized or punished for their mental health issues, and maybe my condition is unique its nothing that youi complain about.

To me what didn’t work about voices, is saying things or for disagreement to turn into changing me, to right the description or to illustrate by hurting my feelings, to recognize how I should feel if voices were real and represent issues that Im forced to discuss that’s something I need to continue to work on being myself, not be hurt, not lose power, not give power away, not let my life get ruined, keep a level head on my shoulders.

I think discussion of voices took a wrong a turn, the more it sounded like the problem was voices, the more problems I got to make the problem limited to me, and that is how a discussion of voices was not helpful to me, or the public, when its about criticizing or describing a type of voice hurtful its hard to differentiate the whole experience itself, determine whats hurtful or not hurtful whats real or not real, or what should go away or not be a big deal, and that’s the challenge about discussing how you’ve been hurt, its not a big deal to everyone, and you are expected to not get hurt so easily, or be taunted in that way.

All bullying is hurtful to me it was real, not true, not accurate, not my way of life, not my temperament, not my issue, being alone is not my issue, not dating is a choice, resuming life is when Im ready, like any other woman or man, Im not discouraging connection or any kind of person that causes divorce I don’t think that I am someone who affects others or tears others apart or the kind of life you see or call a negative distraction, if that’s not what Im asking for love, and in public, its not something that Im taking away from others, or interfering with or offended by, or some place else more serious trying for things in life that Im not mentally ready for or know anyone well enough or have my house in order good enough to make those kinds of commitments and exchanges in life, or be able to have 1 child, and time is running out for me, and that’s okay.

I never thought that I would recover in time to have things possible for me, means I worked really hard to have things be possible for me and not end up in the hospital again, everyone has a different karma in life, social circle, bumble or tinder rating, and Im not different putting myself out there to be picked, a human being who has taken chances and been on dates not someone who anyone has discouraged from dating again, its something everyone always asks me about, but okay with not being in a place to do those things in life, and that’s okay.

So make the most about your life, take me for example, requiring a constant testing of me, giving many chances to start over, or minimize who I am, given responsibilities in life, but not credited for the good work that I do, easily robbed, and experienced identity theft, and those things are serious and reasons why I am on adderrall because of how I am treated when I am disabled, like recovery for example 7 months off meds, in PHP full time for months and working part-time and going to meetings in the evenings off meds, after just recently being put on Invega and resting in bed for a year, was not something I didn’t work hard for my sobriety, or any relapse a mistake that I myself don’t suffer from or goes against how I feel and is a loss to me to earn many months of sobriety and lose all the months and years sober to a relapse and be put down in life, or show up after relapse. The same comfort goes for every situation feeling good about yourself takes time, when I say make the most of your life, I think instead of making everything about voices, a better solution for bullying voices, is to speak normally in a way that does not give power to those kinds of voices, or allow myself to get hurt by those kinds of voices, and its not my job to always be well or make everyone happy, or face constant setback or loss, or devastation, Im like everyone else. I have mental breakdowns, I cry, I worry maybe I wont make it, I have nightmares, I work hard to overcome mental health issues worked very hard and worked jobs to finish my masters and was given opportunities to live alone and get apartments and houses. It’s hard for me to deal with how the subject of voices is misunderstood as worse than it should be, or by a witnessing of me, blame me for anything. Its hard for me to believe after many years of life and working hard and achieving and building a resume, and applying for jobs, to bring up the issue of not feeling good enough.

You know its okay if I don’t feel good enough, its okay if I don’t meet your standards, its okay if Im not a IT girl, its okay if you don’t like me, it’s okay if you expect help, it’s okay if you feel like voices, it’s okay if you believe what bullying words means in common to a hate website, its okay what your sense of humor is, it’s okay to be smart or to not believe me, need me, or not be convinced of who I am or not trust me, and it’s okay if you do not believe my stats provided or ranking, all of that means nothing in the event that I get hurt none of that can save me not even scotus or a forcing me of to be okay with running  around and telling everyone Im this this or that or constantly telling me what Im doing or saying or wrong.

In the end its not about me, but it’s my job to stay well, and its my right to figure out a solution for voices and not be hurt. You know that’s not okay to share my story with open arms allow everyone to get to know me and work hard share my life or get bullied for no reason, at the same token Im not out here to fight people or ask people who they are or question voices, or what issues are represented by words, or questioning the upsets and anger of other who expect to be speaking to a woman of her word who in pictures represents who I am in real life, not villainize me, or be so offended by me not staying happy, or stopping life for a minute to think, worry too much about what Im not doing for others, is not hurting anyone, or behaving in a way inappropriate to the standards of the age group that follows me on Instagram, and also not someone who innocence is taken from me, not doing that to others, why would it be so lethal in the news, and Im online, after everyone told me that blogging is dangerous and that they don’t want me to get raped, need to experience voices, represent issues to make me look bad, its my life at risk of harm, its not the pills, its not my fault, voices is not genetic, I have never had voices in my entire life, voices is not scotus, or the CIA, or anyone I know, or the government, or anything 911 or the police know more about, or anything I need advice on or go through at my expense, not living a life not contagious, not carrying any disease, not blaming others for disease, and specifically told bipolar is not contagious. I think the risk for bringing up sex is its not about acceptance those terms are about rejection and accusing people or not looking the part or being unfit or unattractive and I think in that way, there are clear examples of me qualifying for dating and have experience dating that Im not encouraging anyone to participate in sex or have abnormal behaviors or thoughts or concept of self-care, any person who lacks awareness on a subject, not specifically necessary to be a member of brady and be hurt in the same way Jonha Hill was hurt in the movie Wolf of Wallstreet with him being a friend on my Facebook account, to me that helps no one, nor am I paving way for acceptance of terms, or calling anyone reject or the P word, I think people will say things because they can because they don’t care about who you are with or what you are and everything is about winning, and to me voices are hurtful because they don’t stop, no meds can fix, no writing good enough, its something that puts you in danger, humiliates you, cannot be solved there is no cure or solution for schizophrenia and that’s not how Im choosing to live my life sick. I just said in therapy today if that’s what happens to me then I don’t want to be alive if I end up mentally ill and cant speak or suffering, and the best way to accept what Ive been through is to accept my best effort and trust that its my job to deal with voices and not get hurt and Im tired of everything being wrong with me, at some point when should you give up and why, and what happens if I lose my purpose in life, chances, am not loved, put down or it continues to spread rumor telling everyone Im something that Im not, that’s not why I am loved, that’s not who I am, and I don’t have to create for opportunity for others, or have a job, or money, or share on Instagram or blog, if its causing me suicide to be called those things in life, that’s not appropriate to treat me that way I respect everyone and their privacy including patients, and in AA, my meetings, and my jobs, and in the end negative voices is something that no one wants to deal with, death threats are nothing anyone wants to hear about, the hate websites is nothing anyone admits to seeing or a type of mental illness directed toward me and my body and my life, I did my best to overcome and get a job and didn’t make it, and did my best to be sober, how many times am I supposed to just take it and move forward, how much pressure how many errors in discussion of voices, how many times do I need to be changed, how much needs to be taken away from me, how many times am I supposed to get hurt, what is the lesson in all of this, what is the best way to describe the unhappiness, anger, upsets, or causes for bullying voices, why is that not something that is addressed in court or means Im schizophrenic. Ive stated several times I was misdiagnosed, Ive stated several times its not been helpful to mention voices, and Im sick and tired of interference and isolation and cutting me off from communication everytime I made to suffer and be alone, is not the solution, as someone in treatment, its not about giving me problems and saying its my fault, or talk about mental health and say its no ones fault, why would I be so positive and for so much to work out for me, to not get suicidal called that, that’s normal, any woman would commit suicide if that were done to them, why not recognize me as a strong woman and a survivor see the benefits of being supported no matter what is wrong with you or done to you, that you can be completely honest and be punished and for it to still not be okay to get hurt and for no one to be able to explain whats in common to a hate website and voices, and that’s for me to figure out whos doing that to me and why, not a confusing subject for the public, and something I can continue to be honest about and call 911 in the event its causing me suicide.