If Ive learned anything in the past three months, is recognizing how destructive voices are upon my mental health and my ability to work, stay well, stay sober, live free of harm, and improve. Since being hired and working full time, I have experienced mental illness in new heights including shouting, and symptoms, no matter how addressed, end with me sick, or in the ER, overdosed, relapsed, punching my head, or not writing online. In those moments I have to ask myself why am I suffering, what have I done wrong, why was I able to work full time, and now not able to work, what is going on my life, to deserve to be tormented on this level, think about who is hurting me, what is being dealt with, and it never stops figuring out how to stay well. It’s clear that no matter how far of a bottom voices chooses to place you, throw you in a hospital, take you off meds, accuse you of being criminal, insult your appearances in court, or destroy your image online being fought and constantly tormented called things repeatedly exactly the same as a hate/fan website stated, I wonder, whether my feelings matter at all, whether my life matters at all, and whether it’s worth it to stay sober or push myself to improve, if this is how Im treated.

I think in accepting how Im treated, I stopped putting pressure on myself to stay sober, attend meetings, apply for jobs, speak in public, blog or create squares online, I don’t have to selfie or model or message or chat with anyone, I don’t need to give up or commit suicide, I can call 911, or drive to OC anytime I feel like giving up and let someone in law enforcement assess me and talk to me.

And in the end its about being okay with not being in control of what happens to me, and knowing Im a good person, and trust that no matter how I am hurt, no matter how court speaks to me, no matter what website is made, I know that Im not killing myself, Im not giving up, I  being helped in therapy, and I don’t deserve for any reason to be given a hard time, or make a hate website a reality, or be condemned for mentioning in public on my website what was said about me.

That’s the reality of voices, whether you like it or not what are the causes what was said that is causing me to hear those comments and hurtful messages directed toward me.

One of the worst ways you can be hurt in life, is to be called stupid, and for no one to care about you. It makes everything you say sound stupid, it makes any effort you put toward staying well ineffective, and it makes people feel entitled to hurt you the more they are convinced to dislike you or continue to wrongfully accuse you of being hurtful or sued for reasons they make up in their minds about you, is exactly how much can go wrong, in 39 years of life living honestly and doing my best, enduring treatments in life, or suffering in public reporting voices or cursing, or express an unwillingness to discuss my losses, with insult.

Yes it is insulting to not be famous, to not have yet published a book, to hear voices on breaks, to have a hate website up, to share my about section and epilogue to my book online, and have cursing episodes thereafter, or after publishing two videos speaking to have cursing episodes thereafter just goes to show, that being online is not safe, and although Im a nice person and help everyone, even I can be hurt and with explanation for how Im being hurt, appear mentally disturbed in public and for that to be pointed out to me, tells you exactly what life is like, what my odds are, or how hurtful it is to hear voices, no matter who represents voices, women, men, younger, or older, politics, celebrity, money, education, or people I know, its all insulting, when I am someone who appears well everywhere, and then after getting a job suddenly experiences mental illness related to a hate website that was under control and for me to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own discomfort and unwillingness to discuss subjects related to race, death, money, fame, books, life, mental health, court, or any scary subject under the moon isn’t going to change the opinion made of me via lawsuit or medical record, misinterpreted as not a big deal, or something you expect me to go through well into my 30s and into my 40s, deny a solution for discussions held on voices, and to persist and prefer a reaction of cursing or mental illness, to do away with me, or prevent my ability to work, be respected, or be an author of a book, and I think that humiliation cant be seen, arrives and looks stupid, is some level of taking from me demoralizing me, forcing sobriety, or medical diagnosis, with expectation for some imagined improvement not recognized in me working hard, the use court to reaffirm some public expectation of something coming from me that is supposed to tell someone outside of me of what the issues are or whether things are going to be okay, or dictate what is wrong with me, I think once you decided that Im hurtful doing my best for 39 years and becoming defensive, is my right to protect myself and not be given a hard time, make fun of writing or medication or sobriety, as some state of mind Im supposed to forget, or accuse me of being some place you consider that would make me uncomfortable to be seen or be in public or continue sobriety or be in therapy.

I think the more you accuse me of being famous and some person you just use and put in things deserving or not, some disillusioned fabricated concept of reality and pride and success and solution, that you suddenly decide that voices are not interfering with, isn’t a game, or a mistake in interpretation culture or the music or film or politics that are occurring in this country, when you put me down, and hear my story and continue to give me a hard time, and cannot admit to seeing a hate website and cannot admit that a hate website is causing me voices, and cannot admit that Im not famous and Im doing my best, and cannot admit that not everyone knows me, and that the dise4ase Im accused of having is “genetic or means Im not going to live long, and that there is no cure” is not about me improving being defensive, is not about my family, is not about my Dad, is not about my Mom, is not about a job, is not about a loss, is not about my life, is not about my health, is not about taking advantage of me and hurting me and pretending to be other people that voices are not, is how Im being hurt, and that doesn’t do a justice for court, scotus, DA, police, or the public, all that does is reinforce some image of me, that you expect me to work for free, take from me, expect me to solve, expect contribution, expect code, expect life or crime to be solved, expect love, expect an attorney, or someone to explain to you other than me pleading with you to please stop hurting me, is not my job to be online and have a good life, let my life get ruined, misunderstand a nice photos, accuse me of being ignorant or sheltered, it means you don’t know what happened in 39 years, to judge me as being alive with no purpose or not working hard, how dare you accuse me of being hurtful toward men or women, how dare you accuse me of doing myself, how dare you accuse me of exposing myself, how dare you accuse my story of being some random truth or something that doesn’t make sense that allows for anyone to be ungrateful for my life and contribution to being alive, means Im not alive to please  who does not like me, if you don’t care I grew up on Rockingham and don’t prefer my story, then don’t read my book don’t read my blog, if you cant appreciate two years of hard work and improvement or discussing court in public, then Im sorry that you feel that 3way, I don’t know how to help you, and Im sorry that you think there is something wrong with me, or something wrong with my love or life or mental health or hate website that has convinced you to be angry with me or accuse me of mental illness or any expression online that you do not approve of or do not wish for others to read, then Im sorry that you don’t like me and Im not requiring anyone to read, and Im not posing as something recovered or better than I truly am, that photo is real this is 39 years of life born in 1985, Ive not hurt anyone, Ive not hurt any woman, Ive not hurt any man, Ive not lied or taken advantage of anyone, and its not my story that you should condemn be insulted bgy. Instead of not appreciating how Im  making decisions, please focus on how life should be without me sharing and making decisions without the public knowing anything, if life is that hard to be appropriate and get apprrovals, then Im not living life and 39 years of age trying to have a life that I don’t deserve, or accuse me of having some dark or secret past that you continue to push for mistakes and proof of mental illness, and keep exposing every mistake on a level that you expect me to tolerate anyones opinion of me or voices.

Means if this is a new issue, then I reserve the right to battle symptoms to the best of my ability, will continue to stop discussing a book or share drafts, or share court or attorney communications in public, and do my best to be vocal on how voices and words are hurtful to me, with affirmation and confidence, Ive not hurt any woman or man or age group or lied to anyone, and that that statements hurts and is untrue, and do not threaten me and require me to be constantly hurt and mentally disturbed to get what you want. Im not threatening you, Im telling the truth I don’t have to put up with anything, you can call 911, call the police, hire an attorney, and sue for anything you want, but don’t use my story, my messages my life, against me, and mistreat me as someone who doesn’t perform or is liable, that’s not why Im a company, and that’s not why calling me loser and sick ass pervert hurt, because its not true. Take it court! And instead of cursing and looking bad, this is me saying stop giving me voices, and stop wrongfully accusing me and stop hurting me and stop blaming my mental health, and voices are not okay not on any level. And continue to express I don’t appreciate how a hate website or tech is using and abusing me and using meds or hospital to make up easy excuses to hurt me is not a joke, is not an easy subject, is not okay, means its not safe to be online, and means Im innocent and NOT GUILTY, means stop voices repeating what he said on a hate website and causing me suicide is WRONG. Im allowed to say fuck you out in the open based on what I believe is causing me illness, is the truth!