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Recently I Noticed …

mosaic alien on wall

Originally Posted 04-20-21

The past is treacherous, they were not nicknamed the Dinosaurs for no reason, they are so very proud of us, the last thing anyone wants who has lived life is to see anyone caught up in anything stupid, such as myself: modeling. Not my strength, I did audition twice at least to modeling agencies and “the voice,” Im sure they were not expecting the “messenger IMDb” girl to actually have the guts to stand in line for the picking, my time has not come yet, clearly. Whats eating me today? If I go backwards it’s a nut in a shell cranny nest of insensibilities also known as disability lets call it TFTM the last letter represents my app. If we put a book on the end and ascreen we might get a macbook, concierto number 9 please. Something so painful that cannot be described is called your heart when its hurt, and when it gets filled to brim, and you try to identify why your heart is hurt is called pain, let not put a title on this class Yoga for 30 year olds, Im sure we were all wondering who would blossom last, it was probably me, the last to discover phone sex, no actually we called an 800 number as children because we thought it was funny, chatrooms back in the day, we got phone sexed, what the ooooooos and aaaaaas are for, I don’t think I really knew what I was doing, then we played supernintendo instead and beat the whole game, Donkey King during the civil trial. Every year there was an easter egg hunt, I already knew where the egg would be, in the gutter above the guest home, who memorizes an easter egg hunt? So life can be that way sometimes, people being sexual toward you, and you not being of the natural age to understand or comprehend what sex is for, its pretty much the same as sharing a drivers license, with the donate organs sticker on, which means you twos are capable of either making eachother feel good, but if one feels bad the other will feel bad, then who will make you feel good? Im sure lifes not supposed to be that sad and trivial, for me a breakup is a manic episode running down Santa Monica Blvd in a brown trench coat, to communicate Im not feeling well, I don’t even know if anyone saw, then I bought t-shirts at the Bloomingdales mens section, a “HELP” t-shirt and a “COME TOGETHER” t-shirt, he borrowed my HELP t-shirt and I gave him my “Into the Heights,” souvenier t-shirt from the Musical I saw that year, I used to go to NY once a year and sometimes taken to a Musical. At South Pacific there were specific directions, no cell phones, all cell phones must be turned off, nowhere to be located. I saved the notice, I think I used to keep everything that I thought was important, of course everything is gone by now, and Im not sure if that is my fault. If everyone is hyper with out you, that probably means that there is something wrong with you, I think I have been watching life happen more than I have been living it. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling. The chocoholic was me, Hershey kisses on the bar, and the pile of foil beside it I forget. Remember where you come from, and all these years later, mortified, I don’t even want to talk about it. Some go in and some come out, and some learn laws about cellular communication I actually called from outside inside a hotel in a restaurant, in public, and drove to the state, so if that doesn’t show diligence in terms of all the issues, that must mean that Im not important enough to be considered as not being the cause, but also not wanting to be treated like the solution lies in me, so that’s a problem that cannot be solved by alcohol, you will not know why you are not doing well until many years later, and all those moments when not well add up, and by the time you have talked about anytime you were not sure of yourself and what you looked like or sounded like, none of that will make you the person you were when you were well, and no one wants to be remembered as someone who is anything less than they are. We are not all type-As, go-getters, self-starters, independent, and sophisticated, that takes time, and sometimes when you get to a better place in life, it will not be for all the wrong reasons, it will be for the right reasons, and it starts by how you carry yourself in public in spite of it all, that’s not fame, that’s being an open book. So for anyone looking for a fight, you found me, and for anyone looking for a clue, you found me, and for anyone trying to make a history joke, I probably wouldn’t understand you, or be insulted, and for anyone trying to make a point to see if Im offended by any commentary I probably wouldn’t care, or think of anyone any differently, Im the type of person who is nice to everyone, treats everyone the same, that’s how I am serious, Im not pretending to be anyone, Im really easy to read, you can tell by looking at my face how I feel Im one of those types of people. So if it was the sweetheart combo you were looking for, she probably got replaced with the b%tch combo anyone was striving for which happens after you have been done by 22+ men, have lost all your friends, and on 5 different medications. What is hate? Its expectation for reaction, to cause you harm, until you self-harm or become suicidal, and that’s not love being lost, that who you were before you got hurt that has become lost. So where will you find yourself in that mess, if not created by you, if it was for a joke to be treated as someone who does anything to themselves, then I would rather do things to myself then allow anyone to do anything to me to change me, I like who I am, I wouldn’t be anyone else. So if you misunderstood the joke, that doesn’t mean that your mind is sick or my mind is sick, its that you don’t recognize me as a person of importance. It will be by wellness, you are either picked apart or left alone, and for someone who thinks youre going to be famous, and have no intention to, is what will set you off in the wrong direction in life, concept wise, including the car that was selected for you misunderstood, or by what anyone looks like that’s not a funny joke, and for everyone utilizing concepts past to articulate something expressed not in recognition of what it represents to others on the outside looking in, is not seeing someone rolling with the punches, and making due with what one has, but seeing someone as being strategic thinking that they are being watched for reaction or input, and that’s a sad way to go in life, viewed as stupid, let alone all the race controversy, it couldn’t make me more prime bait for intolerance. Why what you have to say is so important, it doesn’t matter what type of doctor I see, I never told President Trump to fly to the Philippines, I don’t even think it was necessary to honor me at that moment, I got food poisoning in Boracay, do not eat the cup a noodles at the open 25 hours store. I could barely make the flight back to Japan, I forget the trip by now. So life can seem that short, if you are made to think of what everyone else is thinking instead of focusing on what you are doing in life and make sure that everything youre doing is for the right reasons, you will be thrown off a lot as known, and that’s when its time to slow down and be pickier and perhaps provide less output, to either reinforce negativity or reinforce any viewpoint that you are not someone who is positive in spite of what others think not expecting anything to go wrong, and that all changes once you get sick, on once not well, that’s how you get treated as sick, it will not matter what you have to say, people become intolerant of someone who they do not think has the right ideas in life, is not looking out for others, or is not being defensive, so whether you have it good in life or don’t have it good in life, it seems to be the pattern at 100% good, then I get hurt and become 100% bad, so that’s me not staying up anywhere in life for long, and maybe theres a reason for that, not expecting anyone who try to make an example of me, in the negative to make themselves feel good or smart for what they are doing, not all transition to become this bigger more beautiful successful version of ourselves, that’s not how strength happens it happens through forgiveness, it happens through success, it happens by setting goals, once everyone knows you and everyone feels entitled to knowing everything about you, if that’s not for solving their own problems in life, it could be what causes you problems in life, side-tracked, who was ever made to think about their own life in the negative, if nothing bad can be said about you, then don’t allow for anyone to create any circumstance for you to cause anyone to think poorly of you, if its not one incident, it will be all those moments, and that’s what causes others to appear disappointed or cold toward you, it will be in your presence. So stay positive! #begood. 

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