blogging

Being Who You Are …

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If you can’t stop a problem from becoming an ongoing problem, then dont become the problem that others are having or already have when it comes to accepting you into their life, and not viewing you as a responsible party for whatever it is that they have having difficulty when coming to understand, either form hearing from you, knowing you, or reading your blog, never expect compassion, but also you should not feel obligated to provide explanations, for your physical or mental health, as though its dependent upon love and acceptances from others. I have always been a quiet person, and sometimes in that space, it is either filled with positive or negatives, and that includes what you have to say no matter what meds you are on. I am currently on provigil and need to be on vyvanse or adderrall. I honestly cant afford to be stupid, sound stupid, or allow for anyone elses experimentation with me, to cause me aggravation as though its coming from anyone others than myself when in the event I dont feel well or not saying anything that seems to be helping or quelling the discord when it comes to what I sound like and look like and how that should make other people feel coming to know me, or welcome me into their lives. It can be a difficult road, if you cannot be strong anywhere, and just because you enter a recovery facility does not mean that you will return to a better life, the losses will still be accounted for, the credibility will still be put into question, and your mental health will still be subject to change based upon how you are treated by people who know you, guilty or not guilty, it will be by their arguments is how you will ultimately looks whether deserved or not. Im not above others, every day before I blog I have to muster up enough courage to speak, thats from a down position, to think of the positives and say something that does not encourage anyone to put me down or anyone that I know, and that doesnt explain why Im conservative, but it does explain why bad photos taken of me, make me look like I dont acknowledge the preciousness of being well or looking well, and how all of that can be lost, if people do not think well of you, or put you down as though you are pretending to be well, or are not who you say you are. I have never pretended to be smart or above anyone, I got good grades because I worked hard, and I got into law school because I care about learning how to help others, and that requires continued education, but if I am getting threats to cause me suicide, then that is not a hand that I can content in life, thats someone who came to know me, and support me, and no longer wishes to support me, and has turned on me and wishes for others to feel the same. Just as I need to be spared the heartache of being alone, or conversing with anyone, who then does not want to talk to me, thats devastating, to not be able to have normal conversations with others, or for anyone to think that I have done wrong or subjected myself or others to attack. I have always presented as smart, maybe not healthy, but thats why I started to write books because of the fire on “tiger trail,” the street name is Tiger Tail and was told Jim Carrey used to live there, and grew up friendly with the son of his agent Marty Bauer, who recently passed away. Maybe someone on the outside, doesnt understand where a come up is coming from, but its not to put anyone down including any fan who did not grow up privileged to be around talented students and successful family members, I dont think I ever saw myself as taking any of those friendships for granted. So what is prevention, its not looking bad, and not looking bad, or be situated to sound selfish or suicidal, to not convince anyone else who has cared to feel bad about having supported you, or having lost faith in you, its very painful when you expect to hear something that convinces you to be okay with a person and instead hear something that makes you not like them, including seeing them, meeting them or hearing form them. People often times dont know when to stop, until there is a effect, either hysterical crying, or feeling sick, physically ill, or mentally ill which is complaining when everyone else is doing okay and proving yourself wrong, as the person with the problem lying within you not others, and thats not what people are for, to come into your life, and for you to misrepresent them, or family for that matter. I do appreciate fan support, I have never not been in appreciation, and I recognize that if someone does not feel helped by you, who did not pay you to help them, who you were not obligated to help in life, who is married and has a family, and an income, can feel entitled to that much, trying to destroy you opportunity to be loved, and thats them being loved, in place of your fears or concerns, their needs met, which are for me ot have no one, cannot maintain a job, and to get the silent treatments, and maybe that means that I am difficult to care for or be empathized with, and that could also mean that I need to talk to the police or an attorney, who can help me not to talk to people, who will later become unhappy with me, expecting me to make them feel good, love them, or get turned into this person who goes into pain, and then has to go to the hospital, thats either I have done something wrong, that cannot be empathized with, or they do not want to hear what I have to say, and if I cannot talk to anyone in private, then that also affects my ability to talk to everyone in public. So I get that I may not be the perfect solution to anyones happiness, and I understand the need to love and admire women, and to not view me as one of them and to treat me like a guy, and whether thats to make me upset, break my heart, or to cause me mental illness, to make others feel better talked about, then that seems to be the theme and treatment of me, using me, for reaction, to make others feel better about themselves, and then Im expected to go back out into the world and have better social skills, no reservations, and to do everything perfectly, include react, feel, behave, and think about everything in a way that everyone agrees with or is not bothered by and thats a lot of pressure to say the right thing, and that shouldn’t be hard. So what do you want in life? Love and if you cannot be loved or friended, then what does that mean? Its shouldn’t mean hospital.

Its mental illness to prove medicaiton, to take vyvanse and adderall away, and voices to prove guilt, then schizophrnia, to prove wrong, then if I speak, so that what is read is thought to not make sense, so if I get hurt, its to be my fault, then if its my fault, and not their fault, then thats to make me feel bad, and if I feel bad then I get sick, so that I cannot work, then thats to make me unsure of myself, then appear desperate or be rejected, then put on meds that cause me obesity, and then as obses not feeling good see what I say, then allow for it but punish me for being loving or enthusiastic, and then that indifference if read into, if I become negative thats to punish me, then put me down, to see if I get suciidal, and suicidal is to prove that I see or know something not sayiung anything, so that they can say that I committed suicide because of something Ive done wrong or said wrong, then its by reputaiton, then its about if Im not well do I pretend to be well, then if Im well then I get hurt so it sounds like I am well but then not well, so that someone can say that Im not speaking well and if Im not speaking well not helping others, and if they can make me suicidal, thats to prove that I am not loved or have no future then they say that Im guided by a song, or bullied threats, then they try to compile all of that to say that Im mentally ill because I dont see the positive, then they try to argue because Im talking about myself that Im not helping others, so if not helping others means selfish, which is why a suicidal feeling is caused, by whatever means they think is necessary to discredit me. I need to contiunue my education to be a life coach, I just finished law school, I have not dated for 8 years or been socail expect having attended AA meetings, everything I have done to improve is so that my life is not made to seem difficult, so I can move forward, and so that ohthers cas reserve that right not to like anyone who is not liked by someone who I was nice to who is pretending to know me better than they do, then try to get me to talk about them, like others should talk about me, to say that I cannot help, or that I refuse help, or that I getr help elsewhere pretend like I am not helped or have not been helped and thats not true, I dont speak badly of anyone, I am alwasy trying to improve, and if it gets negative thats because no one loves me, and I am having difficulty caring for myself, and because I cannot get a job, blogging was instead the profession chosen because it was doable, not easy, and like any other job or toxic enviornment, past the point of not doing well you question what is the purpose for blogging if someone i complaiuning about you and trying to cause me suicide in private, I obviously feel bad I messagener’d someone, I did not think it would become a political use of force, to threaten my life, and its not something that I thought would continue, I improved anyways, thats not me not affected that me not allowing someone to hurt me and cause me to slam my head into doors and give up and that doesnt mean that Im mentally ill it means someone is trying to fight me I have no interest in fighting nor do I have a problem with, and all interest is based upon being nice to people, accept that much about life, that Im like all people if you are mean, Im then not obligated to respond help, console, explain, or engage in conversation to be used to hurt me until Im hurt. #stopsuicide

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