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It takes a minute to accept someone the way they are. And you might not know me, and you might be confused by the negative attention being drawn to me, by someone who is presently offending me, and harassing me, and that’s the incomprehensible part of coming to understand when someone is being harmed, it wont make sense, and it wont be justified, and the more you try to justify it, the more I get hurt, just in being me, throat burn, and head burn, its when you relate to the wrong sides in life, this causes sickness, so whether that’s me being watched by someone in disbelief of me, that causes me sickness and diarrea and throwing up. That’s how stressful it became of recently under negative pressure. And I am doing my best, moments when Im strong, trying to go to the gym and work out again, although I have not enagaged in long distance running, yet, not that strong again yet, getting my focus back. The past two days went better than expected, my first assignment at a new job, writing. I worked very hard to recover from mental health issues, but that doesn’t mean that they went away, or that they are gone, it’s a constant battle, managing symptoms, some days with voices and some days without voices, today I got voices, and had to refocus my energy and continue to work another 2 hours on my paper due for my first assignment. Writing is an intense profession, I forget how disciplined you need to be, seems like coming up with a system that works for me, is something that I am currently working on, to be able to discipline my time and take on two jobs, if not one, depending on how I fair under negative pressure. I talked to a detective the other day, moving forward in my case against harassment of me. Im not a celebrity, Im a blogger, and I don’t need to be introduced to the world by anyone who doesn’t know me and who took advantage of me. Just because Im not making money, doesn’t mean that Im not of value, not especially after graduating from law school, but that’s how they treat you, they put you down, and pretend to be nice to you, those aren’t supporters if they turn on you, they don’t respect my mental health condition, they don’t recognize me as fragile, and they don’t understand how being aggravated worsened my condition from bipolar to schizophrenia, with more frequent episodes of voices. To me that’s being watched unwanted, that’s someone trying to connect to your body, who wants you to read them watching you, that’s not the gift, that’s stalking, and that’s not how the gift works, what comes to you, is your own spirituality, its not something made out of thin air, or made by humans, its something integral to your being, that is exuded through you, and if affected by someone watching you so be it, if I can feel it, or get sick, Im not sure what sickness proves, maybe it just means that I don’t mix well with people who don’t like me, or who are watching me, and not happy when I am doing well, you cant please them all, and this is not me being negative, this is me being real, that you can be doing well, and if someone watching you does not wish to see you well, you will sense that and then get sick, that’s how sickness works, you don’t always know by who, or see what is being done to you, but you feel it, even if you cant put it into words, and even if its not coming from you, living a disciplined life, limited to a few tv shows, and staying in your room all day. Its not always easy to get a read on a situation, to which you are not given any information about, so that’s the pitfall of being a blogger, everyone reading you, being educated on their own humanity, and at your own expense suffer, opening up, without inheriting a wellness or stability from another, its putting yourself in harms way, and if you cant stay stable, it can be incredibly detrimental to your health, to be misread, or to be judged for your instability, and its definite coming from harassment, over the past two years I have struggled, done my best to separate myself from someone who is trying to be in my life, while exposing me and embarrassing me in public, I don’t deserve it, and I don’t care who he knows that I know, I don’t deserve it, Ive been through enough mental health wise. When will it come a time, when you will learn to accept people the way they are, how much energy does a person need to have and wellness does a person need to have and money does a person need to have or beauty for that matter, and fitness, for you to respect a person as a human being, that can feel, that can tell, that can sense, and that can feel and be affected, by what they cannot see, maybe you don’t believe me, but I don’t need to die for you to feel a void in life, or to realize the repercussions of your actions. That’s not how to demonstrate that you understand and comprehend what it means to be a human being. We may not all be connected, but it is the people who try to get close to you, into your head, and into your body, who most affect you, and tear you apart at the same time, this is why not to get close to strangers, just so they can experience the gift of life, being connected to a human being, who they can influence and change, or affect and then by pictures witness or experiment with the health of another human being, how would you feel if that were being done to you? So talking to DA Spitzer, or a Soldier, is me saying Im not on the wrong team in life, I am a good person, I am loving, I am a kind and considerate person, I do understand what victimization feels like, I do help others, Im not judgmental, and I do do my best to make a positive difference in the world. Being popular online, means that you are dependable, you make sense, you are easy to read, its nice to hear from you, and people enjoy knowing you in life, that doesn’t mean exposing people to hardships created in your mind thrusted upon you by another to describe, and that doesn’t mean calling attention to yourself if you are not doing well or sick, I am doing my best to be strong and to be diligent, and to work through mental health issues, but that cannot be done alone, and I need to have people in my life, in order to protect myself from harm, whether that’s talking to a DA, the police, an ex, or a solider, that’s me taking care of myself, that’s me protecting myself from harm, and that’s me doing my best to do the right thing, in order for things to begin going right for me in life, and that to me is being a good person, aware of how you connect and also cognizant of what is connected to you. Everyone is of influence, and its wrong to say that because of someones deficits or disabilities as a popular blogger that they have ever influenced anyone in a bad way, I keep sober, I go to meetings, I get hospitalized, I go to therapy, I write almost everyday, and I do my best to be healthy, since when are we required to be a healing agent, or a human body that is supposed to internalize the focuses of others to be communicated through them. Learn to focus your energies on yourself, and if you cant translate what sickness that it is that you are feeling, that’s doesn’t mean that it is coming from me, or that your sense are right either, reading or misreading me, its an emergency to all 911, its required to talk to a detective, I do my best to report and to express my grievances and unwanted exposures in life, and I am in harms way, that’s why I don’t walk at the park anymore, I got a gym membership, because I dont need to be viewed in a way that someone I don’t know tries to have sex with my body looking at pictures of me, that’s incredibly invasive, not to mention humiliating, to make fun of my body, as a long distance runner, I do my best and its not my fault that I gained weight. Who is anyone to criticize me for not having sex for 10 years and working on myself, that’s no ones business why I became a runner, and that’s wrong to call me a pervert, Im not a pervert, not having sex means that you are not having sex with anyone, not yourself, and not with anything, or any human being, that’s what it means to be alone, it means that you don’t want sex, you don’t need sex, and you don’t need to be made sick by anyone’s body or their sexuality, including online relationships, that’s how disgusting the world has gotten not to mention invasive, that if someone does not see your mind and body as a body that they want to have sex with they call you a pervert and lesbian, and that’s not okay, and I don’t need to get married and have a baby to prove that I am a human being, healthy, of value, and deserve to have a normal life, and move on from trauma. So stop sabotaging me, stop espionaging me, stop harassing me, and stop hurting me, its not deserved, Ive been nothing but nice to everyone, even tempered, a good person, and share my knowledge with the world and what I think, and to me that’s the best that I can do in order to be known, respected, and get my sense of identity back, and that’s who I am, and if you cannot accept who I am, and if you think there is something wrong with me, don’t hurt me, harass me, and attack me, or subject me to attack, until you get what you want me destroyed, dead, disabled, or self-harming. I deserve a better life, than one dedicated to suffering, for whos health, that’s not how health occurs, through the suffering and disablement of people, to bring anyone up in life, that creates the opposite effect or wellness, so don’t either use me as an agent, known, cause me sickness, to wrongfully accuse me of spreading sickness, and I don’t need to have diarrea throwing up, and stop losing weight, simply because I announced that I lost 12 lbs, and then become constipated under stress, and slow functioning all of a sudden.