Life’s not about being pretty and feeling beautiful that’s the misconception about happiness, is that of course happy people look well and seem pretty, like they have it all, but everyone is capable of not feeling good, getting sick, suffering from disillusionment, or not being loved. The balance is in feeling good and making others feel good, which is key to happiness, why one of my themes is “#begood,” there’s a science to happiness and I think its about feeling good about yourself, and feeling like others are not sickened by you, upset with you, angry with you, or disgusted by you, which is why I don’t date anymore and don’t have any friends, its like if you are around people you don’t present to family or introduce to one another, the worst is assumed, not you helping them in life, but seeing you as one as, and maybe blogging appears to be that way too, I can’t see my stats and analytics, so I don’t know how big my following is, or who is reading my work and where, I have done my best to set up my website, its too hard to figure out how to make the numbers match, so I stopped trying at this point. Im also not paying to have my blog distributed so that can explain the growth, it has nothing to do with my wellness, language, or writing, its just not being distributed on social media for likes, why my numbers may be down or inconsistent. I can feel the growth in my blog too and dose of positivity, so Im not happy either that I cannot participate in all the excitement building online, not especially now with embarrassment and a hate website up, that doesn’t help to be known in that way by anyone who I am not close to intimately, that’s stuff no one should see, even if it were my own body. When I get voices I think what does someone want me to be upset about, why does someone not like me, and why am I not feeling well, and why do voices not make me feel well, and what are they trying to figure out about me, what do they want from me, and what do they think of me causing these voices to be mean to me, what have I done in life that they think is wrong about me, to be mean to me or threaten me. Im a good person, I stayed in school, I was sober throughout the majority of my life age 18 to 36, and I really don’t understand what there is to not like about me, if everyone reads my work online, then I don’t understand why I get voices that don’t like me, and whats that supposed to solve. No one is a key influencer, I feel like whatever system everyone is going off of in life, thinks life is imitation and trends and its not, as a writer, you write based on how the day feels and based on what is going on in your life, your exposures and based on what you see, either focus on yourself that day or focus on others, but you will not talk about people unless they are brought to your attention and made to focus on them. So I think that explains what is discussed on my blog, making it about age, or gender, whatever disqualifies me from the female gender, Ive been straight my whole life, and I don’t need to commit suicide because I am called names to make fun of me and cause gay to me mentally that I wind up hitting my head for years slamming my head into a wall, if Im not gay, then I want to know what interpretation of me is causing that to happen, I think it has to do with being made to look stupid, which affects confidence, beauty, and voice tone, which then gets interpreted as masculine, then you get rejected in life intimately, because they either perceive that to be a precursor to gay which it is not, I believe gay is conditioned, it’s a choice you make to condition your body to want the same sex as you, sex is just a feeling that you achieve, and it can be achieved with a person of your choice, and of the right age and gender appropriate for your age and gender based on what is accepted of you. Its not something that can be spread about you, what type of advocate am I? Im a stop suicide advocate, Im a bipolar advocate, Im a schizophrenia advocate, and Im a don’t do drugs and be sober if you need to be advocate, that’s based on the education and training I have received in recovery from mental illness, what helped me. So I guess now Im recovering from gay, not having dated for 10 years, and not been pursued or left, am going to try to date a man who I know from law school, and get married, that is my present goal, and if I cannot make that happen, then I will talk to a man of my choice who lets me talk to him and not have sex, I don’t plan on going on bumble or tinder for the rest of my life, because of who I am, I am too important, and my health is too important to have sex online or in real life, and get a disease, or get sick, or dumped and become suicidal, I can’t afford to go through that again, I need to be alone in life to take care of myself, that’s my temperament when it comes to friendships and dating its too hurtful, its too painful, and its an unnecessary risk in life, what people think of you, and because everyone goes through my phone and computer I choose not to be close to anyone, so that they are not watched or affected by who is watching or going through all of my things in life. That is why I am online, its not fair for me to struggle in private spending days and weeks changing passwords and trying to build a website, and be uncertain about spelling errors, typos or changes as a writer when I review and edit everything I write and publish re-read 2-3 times per piece, so it makes no sense for me to add to that equation more commentary from others, I don’t wish for my life to be watched like a TV show, if youre not entertaining people can get hurt when they don’t know what is watching them, that’s how peoples heads hurt, when they are not paying attention to everyone else, and everyone else is paying attention to them. So Im going through a lot in life right now, its not a fun process working with detectives, I dont understand why others are helped and Im not, I don’t understand why I have to suffer, and not taken seriously, in life, its not my fault, he asked for sexy photos, which were not my idea, per his directions, and as a result he is using what he requested for to make me look like Im provocative throwing myself at people, I could not date or have sex for the rest of my life and be a happy person, its not necessary for me, because when Im not doing well in life, I just want to be alone and don’t want to be bothered by anyone, that’s not my choice that I cant be happy with people, or make people happy, I didn’t ask to live a life where I don’t make people happy, and people cant be happy for me, what have I done in life to deserve to be treated like I shouldn’t exist or Ive done something wrong. Its not fun when you want to help others, and have an idea, and no one wants to talk to you, and no one wants to help you, that’s really frustrating, and it makes no sense to me why I am treated like there is nothing special about me that others can learn from as a result of my experiences in life. All humans are grose, and need to shower everyday, smell, have sex, sleep at night, have bad breath in the morning, so Im not sure what anyones expectations are of being human in this world and how far away in existence you need to be to not bother others, and I suppose the same goes for being online, if theyre not paying me, they are not using my work and putting it into other work that everyone gets, that’s basic business, you cannot use an idea that you have not cited to and you cannot incorporate a story or identity that you have not submitted for copyright to the US Office of Copyright, that’s plain and simple, if its not your story, then its not your story, if the government has your story, then they are aware of who I am, what I am like, what my writing sounds like, what my face looks like, my hands, body and bloodtype is to know what is coming from me, what is a product of my body physically blood pressure by iPhone diagnosis, and in temperament by writing or text, what energy is coming from my body and brain, that’s how accurate science is these days, so please don’t complain that because my body and brain is not keeping you alive or fixing or healing your problem that there is something wrong with me. I bring business to business everyone I have worked for is successful I attract companions, my energy in a room is noticeable, Im not the energy in the room that is sad, or defective, so please stop trying to anger me or upset me to see if when Im bold others are scared, to wrongfully accuse me of having energy that is too strong to be alive or be a human being and wrongfully accuse me of having energy that is made or caused by any other human being on earth, who is not drained by my existence being alive or blog, otherwise my blog would not be online, if you looked at me and felt sick, then people would not watch my IG videos, and if you looked at my pictures and did not notice me, then that would mean that Im not feeling well.

08/15/22