This is a difficult period in time, working with disability, I was surprised that I was still able to research and write motions, and come up with headings, and issues to argue on my own. My goal is to complete work with few errors, and be competent and continue to work independently. I think I’ve participated in enough internships to feel comfortable in any legal setting, its when you are working in unfamiliar territory that its hard to shine, do your best and reach your potential among others, I don’t think Ive ever failed at any job in life, other than my JD, which was the biggest disappointment of my life, and was very painful to make the decision to keep applying to schools and finally graduate with a Masters in Law, I felt I deserved that much, its hard to give it your all and walk away with nothing, at least I got a Witken Award.

Relationships are tough, I think I only fell in love with Todd Spitzer after a year of talking to him about everything I think and what Im trying to do with my life, and share ideas, and eventually I wound up feeling like being flirtatious, but you have to earn that privilege in life. I learned the hard way not to be flirtatious toward people you don’t know, they are likely to assume that you are that way toward everyone and feel offended, that’s happened to me twice, not taken seriously, when Im at peace, glowing, and healthy feeling good running everyday. There must be something you need to have in life, in order to be loved in life, and I think it’s a job, otherwise its hard to have a social life, or be loved, in a relationship, Im lucky to have been in 3 serious relationships in my life, and like all breakups, it takes time to move on or date again.

Im not someone who believes in not settling for less I never understood how that term applies, I think Ive always been one to be happy with what I get in life, never anyone who was searching for any status in life, I felt that I could rise to any occasion in a nice outfit and makeup if I tried, therefore it didn’t matter where I was in life, or job wise, I would show up like a million bucks anyways, because it felt good to be proud of myself, and getting a job makes you proud.

Politics are hard, mostly people favor or disfavor people based on their beliefs in life, in the serious world of what you can do and what have you done for others, is basically who people are for, what can you do for people, and how can people benefit from what youre doing.

I think Ive lived the majority of my life as an adult, dating like an adult, working as an adult, living alone as an adult, being an academician like an adult, independent, so it was shocking for me to get diagnosis in life, following breakups, or tantrums, and then have to be put on meds, I don’t think throwing furniture or clothes arounds means your schizophrenic, but I guess that’s the consequence of letting someone get under your skin, and leave you feeling insulted in life.

Why the obsession with #scotus, I think it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, to take some time off law school to visit DC, my best friend lives there so got to visit him too. It wasn’t an impulsive decision, I did not have any plan other than to see the cherry blossoms and visit the court house (without expectation of them being in session) which weren’t out yet, and because I received an invitation to the Inauguration, I stayed for that, 2 weeks. I wasn’t a big spender, but was so on point, that my Mom bought me a ticket to fly to DC which was nice, I brought my invitation framed back to my law school when I returned, and was screamed at by my then boyfriend for visiting #scotus, asked what I was doing, why I went there, I didn’t really see it as a problem, I actually felt special and at ease for visiting. 

There must be something about exposures in life, I have always viewed myself as important, so of course it is nice to meet important people in life, boy do they light up YOUR TEXTBOOK IN REAL LIFE, was basically why I went there, assigned a lot of US Supreme Court cases, so I went. 

Writing online had its advantages and disadvantages, it was a way to be social while keeping to yourself, and a way to experience life, where you couldn’t like drinking and going to the bars or going clubbing and dancing for a night, to me that was Twitter, getting to see the work of others and contribute work of my own and ideas, Im sure at some points I sounded like a comedian or talent agent, trying to put deals together, that must be a people type I admire. 

Schizophrenia is a later state of delusion and confusion in life, and based on what you have to say, people will more or less not understand you, especially if they think that you should be happy or feel good, and pretend like everyone knows you and loves you, but that’s not true either, peace is a space that is earned, and when there are people who judge you as alcoholic or drug addict for attending AA with no JD, like 100% of respect for you is lost in life and that was very painful, and Im sure nothing that created an easy topic to approach me on in life. 

I got As on essays in Law School, and the Motions I have written the cases have settled, so that must mean something, that at my best I make sense to others, and am able to negotiate a set of terms and issues that I have discovered on my own, to convince others of settlement, which is nothing that I have ever done in life or had to do in life on my own, for any reason. 

I’m always doing my best, and maybe to a fault, have invested time in talking to the wrong people in life, and for having those associations in life thought less of, its not me that’s picky, its who is conservative around you, who wants you to live a better life for yourself, be independent, and with disability, its hard for people to understand how you got that or what that’s like, and I know people suffer in many different ways, so Ive come to understand disabiility as one of those things you have, and then you have to do your best to blend in. 

Ive never lowered my standards in life when it comes to the image Im trying to maintain, I have always been into fashion, since 6^th grade the caption about me my Teacher wrote was about my style and how I dressed, was how I was remembered as, must have been my thing, never someone who wasn’t afraid to wear bright yellow cargo pants from France in middle school. 

Modeling is something new to me, Im usually someone who looks better in real life than pictures, and when there is a good picture of me, its important to keep, because it’s a rare moment for me, only later in life, have had difficulty and Im sure that’s due to self-harm, weight gain, isolation, and mental illness, Im surprised I still have my eyes, despite everything that’s going on in between in my brain, mental illness is a chemical imbalance why you can drink alcohol and Im okay with that I was never a drinker, only upon turning 21 for a year going out, and then went to rehab to get sober because of an addiction to cocaine I tried that summer 2006 for the first time, everyone had had experience partying the whole time in college, I only had one year with friends, a girl group, and out at bars dressing up, in outfits we made back then, with like 10 pieces of clothes we had back then, things are much cheaper now, variety.

Messenger became an outlet for me to make friends in life, when I had really low self-esteem, it actually at one point to me didn’t matter how old or what they looked like, and anyone who was a Trump supporter was someone I mentioned, I felt like because of his privilege and knowledge of construction an area of law I was interested in since 2010, talking to my ex in the back of a courtroom mentioned to him, “Im interested in construction law.” I studied Art and Art History at American University of Paris as a high school student on summer study with my BFF back Summer 2003, and Lance Armstrong was in town too for the Tour de France.

I think everyone wants to feel special and be appreciated especially those who care for you in different phases of your life, and I would never ordinarily exclude anyone or not talk to anyone, who I just randomly decided not to be interested in talking to anymore, when it comes to my health its not that Im not forgiving I just cant handle the fighting, so once a relationship goes from mutual support to anger, nothing Ive experienced, I cant handle that type of stress in life, when its about something else that is not disclosed to you, and communicated to outside world, why wouldn’t that be something that someone would explain to me, why go there in life. 

So this is a difficult period for me in life, meaning not a period of growing or working fast, it means my head is maxed out, and Im physically exhausted, so Im limited in terms of what I have energy for, I used to go AA everyday, I don’t have that kind of energy anymore, and it actually doesn’t feel comfortable as I used to think to be a regular places to be comfortable places, its actually how you overstay your welcome places, and seem less special, this I didn’t know, maybe because of the show “Cheers” I had a different expectation in life of whats community. 

Leaving law school I wasn’t the most street smart person, and working I don’t think Im quite there yet either, but I no longer have paranoia or feel inferior to others, that must mean Im in the right place and found a great job, but I also have a lot to learn, so the learning curve has been tiresome, coming up with systems on my own for filing, writing, researching, logging my activity, keeping track of assignments, following up, emails, correspondence, phone calls, number of documents to create, making templates, time sheets, and initiating for additional assignments to earn pay for, all in the number of hours that Im able to work, and although its tough to start, after a few weeks, the days go by quick, then weeks go by quick, never a long day so far or painful, just need to remember not to check my phone, usually interrupts my focus, have been good about no bipolar at work, I think some days I was freaked out and probably mentioned psychiatry and therapy, but that’s that what to disclose, and shared my blog. Its hard when someone sees you as normal, and capable, and you have to disclose to them what someone else sees of you in life, and I wont know where I went wrong with others for them to think that of me, I think Im very creative and have a lot to say, and maybe work too much in public, had I been able to get a job, then I wouldn’t be a writer online, for some reason my resume wasn’t good enough for the jobs I wanted, not until I got a Masters in Law, completed. And that was my time to turn my life around, with a successful blog, and a degree and GPA that I was proud of! And then things took a turn for the worst, probably discussed in the last two posts that I shared, and now I have schizophrenia, I really cant date on Bumble now on meds.

Being 37 is tough, with a late start to any career in general, and I love writing but it doesn’t make money, which is how a paralegal job was really hard to get, because there is no training, there are no directions, there is no manual, either you can do the work or you cant, and Im surprising myself every day Im at work, and surprised Im more competent than I worried Id be in a work setting, and that made me really proud of myself. Im sorry if for some reason the things I wanted to talk about seem obtuse or out there, it will get to a point in life when you will have so many problems in life that it becomes inappropriate to talk about yourself or others, and that’s the point at which you start exhibiting mental health issues, when you talk about people who aren’t there, when you are present in public, and when how you look or what picture color or words are being used thought to mimic or represent some historical event that things change toward you, there are later phases in advertisement that are challenging for any writer to endure, what things look like, so if youre not good at the big picture, its defineltly something that you will want to take a step back in life, and take a second look at yourself and make sure of in life, because in the end you cant change anything about yourself, once you are known, and either the good outweighs the broken years, or you live up to your potential, yourself, and not some character they thought you were pretending to be, maybe its just that I don’t look like how they would treat someone who looked differently see them as, not me.