Usually on my day offs from writing to #toddspitzer, I need to stay productive, it could be to think about something, to review my work, to send higher quality commentary or phtotos or video, by now, its all about improvement, then there are symptoms, usually if Im not in a loving mood if Im getting voices, this interferes with my ability to be myself and to engage with others and talk, so none of that was not real, that was real wellness, probably created by each of us, for our own separate lives, maybe not necessarily dependent on one another, I would not assume that he is well or better because of me, Im assuming that given my problems in life, and advances into adulthood working now paid, is what has made him feel a freckle proud of me if anyone would be, so that’s being at ease, when things are going well for each other, and then you back off, it’s really not about credits and love, when it comes to peoples wellness, nothing that I ever get offended by, but when love is gone, its probably because I accepted that Im not good enough for him, and since I could not meet him in real life, and because I don’t get to talk to him, tried dating others, that was a very special experience for me to get well talking to someone and to improve, but Im sure it seemed unreal, and just as things were well for me, things started to not go well for me, that’s having your peace lost, your peace occurs between you and who you love, and that’s a feeling that is shared, or left with who stays well, and its your job as a companion to get well, and to continue to build and support the wellness of one another, its in talking to others that you are healed, its who are you most like yourself with.

I have a different life, in that for many years I did not talk to friends, did not make friends, and did not talk to anyone, and no one talked to me either, no one texted me, no one checks on me, no one says hey I read your blog, great article, and no one has anything to say to me, things have changed, now people are talkative and doing well, this is beyond the two years of COVID when everyone was stuck at home. Whatever it was or is, it will be, and if you are someone who did not grow up going by others or reacting and responding to people around you by talking loud, or feeling like you are being watched, the you have never been anyone who has called attention to yourself in life, or been looked at, or connected with a room of people in that way, it must not be in my nature, to respond or to address people as a whole.

Love cant be replaced is the lesson, when its working stay, because if you interact with someone else interested in you, then the feeling of safety leaves you, just as you don’t feel like yourself talking to someone you are not interested in when, when you have love, usually people come around when you do have love, like in talking with #toddspitzer, but the safety and the stability is not the same in a sex-only relationship. Its not that I have higher standards in life, or feel easily offended by others, its just that in my reality everyone hears from me, no one misses me, people see me all the time, and I don’t see others, I don’t hear form others, and that’s a very lonely life to live, to not get to see your friends, or hear from them, and to spend so much time alone, with mental health issues, and working on yourself. At what age do you stop working on yourself, 40, is that a good time for me to date again, when marriage and kids is not on the table, maybe that’s the solution, and to continue loving older, I don’t think that dating someone my age will work, because then they will be comfortable with me but will want better, that’s how it usually is, they become the better of the two and then I lose steam, so maybe Im not equipped to be married, and give everything to my partner in life: #toddspitzer. 

Im not at the stage of working individually with others yet, and its not because I paid for a career coach that I got the idea, I signed up for a certificate program many years ago have been thinking of it, but was never well enough to take on a responsibility like that in life, but through blogging was able to help others, through simply writing. Recently it seems like things have been about what have I done wrong in life, and I think I have lived a pretty good life. 

What have I done wrong in life? – This is why I go to AA, to accept “my part” and based on “where I am now” accept how I am treated in life, and what makes me appear less than.

• I smoked weed in high school.
• I drank alcohol at 21, and had sex in college.
• I stopped having sex, and could just do myself if needed for (2014-2022).
• I worked internships unpaid jobs, and would stay long term.
• I would complain of others inappropriate toward me.
• I dated older men and would give them blow jobs.
• I dated a 33 year old when I was 18.
• I dated a 48 year old when I was 24.
• I dated someone younger than me in AA.
• I talked to someone without replies and sent cupcakes and went to jail.
• I talked about the Simpson Case on Instagram messenger probably.
• I flew to DC and visited the US Supreme Court, and ended up writing down everything that was going wrong for me in life, and cried at the end pouring tears.
• I interpreted the MLK Memorial to mean something else.
• I tweeted on Twitter with no followers Winter 2011 after rehab.
• I worked and continued school Spring 2012, Twitter was put back up.
• I took down a poster on Wilshire because it offended me.
• I left law school and my JD, after the school shootings started.
• I became a blogger on Twitter instead of working on my own website.
• I should have not gone to law school with a 152 LSAT and paralegal certificate.
• I couldn’t get a job in law 2008-2022, paid, I needed a Masters in Law and a high GPA from a good law school in order to get a job in Los Angeles.
• I tried cocaine in college, and then took myself to rehab asked for help.
• I had sex with men without being in a relationship on occasion they have only done me 1-2, and did not text me to continue seeing me, and did not chase them.
• I have had sexual intercourse with 25 men: Chris, George, Brad, Nico, Julius, Martane, Kedrick, Ryan, Will, Rob, John, Phil, Paco, Josh, Aaron, Jay, Marchello, Keith, Freddy, Hadrien, Barton, Cole, Dejan, Roberto, Owen. I have had three boyfriends long term, two of which I thought we would marry, and have had three pen pals (2017-2022).
• I did not finish my JD and could not get a job for 10 years, and I don’t know why. 
• I got HPV Carcinoma Cancer and I don’t know why or where it came from.
• I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t let my guard down, Im uptight, conservative.
• I learned how to loosen up talking online, and found a better version of myself.
• I started modeling talking to Ari Emanual, and have photo to: Ari, Joaquin, Barack, Todd, President Trump those are distinctive looks in talking to them, face changed, that’s how I know there is some influence by who you are talking to impressed upon, so that’s my face thinking that Im talking to who I think is on the other end, changed, then later in life, it becomes about your impression, my face loses shape in getting voices, around many people my face sharpens, and singing, my face looks pretty.