10-31-22

Still not feeling well today walked (3) hours today going on the treadmill again working through physical illness suicide and also work through pain taking Tylenol and continue to write until I can maintain a positive spirit and not be too vocal over how I think who or why would hurt me if I can be better sing make melodies learn practice and show how I care have beauty & worth that’s better than complaining or being sick all day pushing myself through writing, find balance.

Neighborhood consensus positive spirits today people are being vocal talking there’s laughter it’s quiet I’m just in pain smoking as usual. But things will be okay I’m amazed I was not on block after those three posts but in pain maybe over hooking up with someone which doesn’t match the voices mental illness sounding life a reject man hater or something so I’ve always wanted love unfortunately blogging you love to do but it’s hard for people to talk to you and at this point can’t really write about people who are not sure about you that’s understandable right now under so much pressure it’s so painful & I don’t know why. Maybe get tested for COVID again usually what I did everytime I went pain running.

Job interview tomorrow, Moms still out of town in New York, so I’m alone at home. A little manic. Just need to read listen to my Udemy tapes and leave the Goliath arguments for …Oprah is positive! I actually talked about race in an okay way as my work says “I always get it.” Even if it’s not about my own race not offensive White sounding. “You dance like a typical White girl.” Should’ve never showed you my contracts essay! 👍

Still in a lot of pain today it’s been about 1-2 weeks very painful not on any pain meds. And … exercise can help manage pain. My writing improved. One outburst yesterday. Not in trouble. Hard topics but write well. Not messaging a lot low energy focusing wellness combatting voices and not feeling sick suicidal or hot my head so that I’m not treated as offender or angry or combative or strong physically or threat I think I’m hurt in physical pain and I don’t know why. So maybe that means to be alone for 6 months and work through pain focus on book writing and take a COVID at home test. & attend AA when I’m feeling well feel like being social around people. Started journaling day 1 notes to self handwritten. I don’t know the time frame of when I will feel well not be bullied by voices I can’t read them please them or fix their issue with me so some days I do less frozen. So let’s try talking to no one for 6 months only blogging and no modeling no singing. See fixes physical pain.

9:38pm taking night meds because I don’t sound like myself need to rest for my interview tomorrow. Would have been a good goal to make me feel good walking 4 hours in 1 day but it’s whatever with voices. I can sleep now. Try again another day. Overcome physical illness suicide. That’s not a threat that’s I’m in physical pain. It’s not a big deal why describe it if I’m not a doctor why should that bother anyone or be scary I prefer to be outside what’s the problem? I need rest.

Cancelled 4th run, phone died, going to bed now.