The last week or so has been pretty intense, leading up to the Shorty Awards announcement of finalist, I’m assuming that I did not make the cut based upon my online presence leading up to the awards ceremony, and based upon my present health going into decline, but getting better today, I talked with my psychiatrist about the pain and headaches at the end of the day and he has decided to up the Prozac. Right now is tremendously complicated for me, not in an impossible way, just doing my best to say the right things and not be too provocative I really can’t handle the pressure of negativity, it’s a very painful collapsing of confidences in life, when met up against a power force created by people in disdain of you, or thinking you are being judgmental or accusatory toward others, that’s how your team gets cut in half in life. I think so long as I continue doing well then through blogging these things can be explained, but in the event that I am put in pain, it would be a good idea to explain those pains so that I don’t suffer in silence nor does anyone else, to make it okay to talk about things, get settled again.

I don’t think that taking a break from blogging is a good idea, seeing how much stress it puts me under to not write everyday. I do take into account that when you consider yourself a “life coach” that if you avail yourself to others they may become dependent on you for feedback, I never really understood how physically exhausting the connection to audience can become, so it would be a good idea to not say or do anything provocative or shocking, which would reverse the respects of others toward me. Sometimes looking like youre going black is not the solution, being sexual or provocative, when things matter, stripping someone of all respects doesn’t balance the odds against you in life, or make the audience more comfortable, depending on how conservative people are, we are in a “fun with permission only” time period in life. 

I think right now is a great moment, in the test of the creative spirit, it’s not always a feeling that can be passed back and forth to create beauty, like learning to sing, or improving through song, unfortunately when there are compromising interests and when taken the wrong way or misidentified as a person of pain or suffering, it would be hard to convince anyone at that time that anything beautiful or light came from a person to change others, that’s the difficulty with mental health issues, you could not feel well, but look completely fine, you could be tired, and then look ugly and come across as an unhappy person who is insecure or problematic, a lot of life is about that whats carried within, and sometimes based on your face you are judged. People go by feeling in life, so that’s the unfortunate part of being on meds, people will not feel good by you, because you will seem tired, not light or funny, or with a good sense of humor. 

I’m a person where people may turn to for clarity, that’s only because I have been so much and survived it, being seen as bad, being seen as wrong, being seen as alcoholic, being seen as cokehead, being seen as smart, being seen as stupid, being seen as pretty, being seen as grose, being seen as with potential, and being seen as giving up on me, being seen in love, and being seen as heartbroken. For whatever reasons people feel that you have done them wrong in life, you become responsible for the feelings of others when you are judged to have hurt their feelings, and sometimes that’s not purposeful, what sets people off, you hope that people get set off in the right directions in life, it’s sad when things are not what they seem, different. 

I’m a person people turn for clarity, because I have clarity, that’s the nervous wreck that gets instilled in me, when something is wanted or demanded from me, a response, or a series of writings to explain complication in a way that is diplomatic and can be understood by people, that’s not for sympathy, or help. I think establishing a campaign is about me spending my time, money, hardwork, and energy assembling something that makes sense and is helpful to others moving forward, if not for my website, then there would be not writing to check your thoughts on or assumptions, it would just be blank, and nothing talked about in the news, this is a way paved by me, to comprehend mental health issues as nothing to be scared of and to recognize these questions in life as things that will go away, not permanently damage you. I would not write online if I got bad grade, I write online because I graduated with honors cum laude, can write research papers, got an A and a Witken Award in Law School and graduated with a 3.2. Which means I studied research and writing and capable of writing in a way that makes sense.

Femininity and womanhood are tough issues and have always done my best to describe what a woman can go through just trying to be a woman and to be liked, it’s a steep uphill climb to be viewed as beautiful, and you can easily fall to rock bottom if someone does you that people don’t like, be viewed as easy or trash, and Im not here to dictate who is trash and who is of worth, I think the purpose of my blog was to gather more acceptances for all and to view eachother as human and be comforted by that fact in life, not stir emotions for anger, comparisons, resentments, and team making. Im not for everyone that has been made clear on many occasions, and while some may be empowered by me or inspired by me, that doesn’t mean that Im not required to put in the work too: publish a book, apply for jobs, audition singing. Those are my 3 goals in life, and depending on how I am doing those things will either happen for me in life or not happen, just like writing life advice and studying, depending on what the expectations are I can either fulfill that role, or if viewed as incompetent based on a misdiagnosis of me as a writer, then will not be able to be a life coach because called schizophrenic. I don’t plan on self-harming or becoming suicidal for the rest of my life, to me that just means that Im not coping well, letting pain kick in, and giving up on things I enjoy doing in life, like dating, being social, working, writing, blogging, I have to set goals. Right now is a tough time period for a lot of people, so please understand that I am always doing my best, and although my problems look easy to you, you would not have understood my problems in life had I not written them down online, for you to go, oh its just that or this, or that, not that.