Working on writing a book, just paid half deposit. I dont think I will be starting work soon, I cant afford to help anyone, until I help myself, so this will be my job for the next 13 weeks, writing a book. Sober.

One of my greatest achievements in life, is to accept the help I’m given in life, whether it supports me, corrects me, or offsets something public, there is no shame in improving, no matter what the circumstances are. I think writing a book, shows that you have demonstrate some care or difficulty in life, you have overcome, and wish to help others who maybe in times of difficulty, are not able to speak for themselves, or muster up the courage to simply improve and forget whatever hurts, in place of what there is to be grateful for. This is nothing I could have accomplished had I not been sober, or recognized my limitations in life, based on diagnosis, or misunderstood in life.

To live a good life you have to remember what you are living for, no one can break the cycle of what is keeping you down in life, so long as you’re in it, whether it’s a problem, not in the solution, or medications, not adjusting well on meds, eventually some us learn to adapt based on how we are treated in life medically, without feeling sorry for ourselves. There will come a time where you will no longer feel stigmatized by any diagnosis, or mistreatment of you, and you will seek to simply do a better job at living life, free from harm, and embarrassment.

I think coming from an important story, I was naieve to share what I could remember, and I think it made what I have to say less significant, and the more that my condition changed and the more that I suffered, the less influential in a positive way what I had to share became. This is how you go from being important to unimportant, when someone thinks that you think you are something that you are not, seeks to see how you respond upon a person not respecting you, or without forgiveness for what other people could think of you. I think for most people it would be difficult to be treated as something you are not. So how much are you willing to compensate and forgive for mistreatment and embrace the hurdle of negativity that you are faced with just to be yourself, and how much are you willing to lose in terms of progress, in the event that there’s a lack of happiness for you at the end of the road, having improved anyways.

Be of value to yourself, the more of value you are to yourself, the less you give in to negativity, or assume is real or true about you, don’t fear what can be said, its not something you can negotiate yourself to be immune from, what people think will matter, what you worry about what people think, will matter less. The point is to accept what you look like, how you are perceived, and be in a way acclimated to what is expected given your identity. A different suit will be expected of you in life, depending on who you are. With education comes responsibility, its not a position in life, to be made to feel sorry for, or to be subjected to disrespect, it means you are capable of working and creating a life for yourself, that benefits the lives of others, and if you cant get the basics done, people will wonder what are the reasons for caring anyways.

All life is hard no matter who you are, whether you grew up privileged, whether you have friends, don’t have friends, dated, have never dated, worked, have not worked yet, we will all be in places in life at one time of another when things feel like too much, which could mean any number of things. It could be your disability, it could be being ignored, it could be what you do or don’t have, ir could be your photos, it could be your blog, it could be your lifestyle, it could be your car, it could be your interactions in life, all of your life reflects on you, all of it matters, and all of it plays a role in how you feel about yourself, that will always be true, so live a good life. Don’t live a life that you have to explain, or bolster esteem for, or let bridges burn, there’s nothing that can repair a bridge burned in defiance of what anyone thinks or does, it’s a loss.

Be someone in life that can help, that’s plain and simple to any philanthropic endeavor. Either you are someone who is well enough to help perspective wise, and based on who you are are capable of helping others, or something disqualifies you from being able to be there for others. Its upon being well that people come back into your life, support you, trust you, give you the benefit of the doubt, are not bothered by you, and happy as you strum along in life, to beat of your own drum, that’s not what’s bothersome, of someone with disability, its when people feel like what is owed to them in life is not provided, like solution.

Solution is something that occurs individually for each one of us, its not always something that all together can be provided, I think we are in a unique phase of life when all characters are known, and each one has helped in a different way, that doesn’t mean that each person has the solution for every little grievance that anyone has over not feeling good. If it can be fixed by medication, its not something caused by someone with disability. There’s no such thing as non-acceptance causing mental illness, that’s just an excuse for a person feelings, no one can tell if you don’t like them, I’m certainly not offended by anyone attitude toward me why should I be.

I’ve been through a lot in life, a lot of failure, has to do with when you are not capable of helping yourself, and something is wrong that you can’t fix. This was my first experience with mental health issues, its when you can’t function, its when you go from able, to disabled. What can ever explain how that happens to a person, Im sure its nothing to investigate or think about now at this time, after having written online for years, and been known by pen name created in my 20s. I think all recovery requires you to step away from things that would make you feel good, in place of learning how to make yourself feel better, so that you have more choices in life, and get picked, there is no use in trying for things in life, when you are not feeling well, that makes no sense. When I stopped dating I never thought that being a writer would bring me to a place mentally and academically, that would make me easier to talk to, Im never sure of what state Im ever in that worries others, or seems off putting, some things you cant see for yourself. Like mental health issues. I learned the hard way that drinking, or relapsing, is how I get sick, how I lose privileges, and how my life gets hard, and it doesn’t help with disability, it makes life much worse, it causes unnecessary suffering and delays in time, when you could be living life. Why don’t drink because it didn’t bring me anywhere in life better, and I got in trouble, so that was the end of that, going out, didn’t last long, unnecessary, and ruined my life and my reputation and ability to work and get jobs, be respected, or trusted in life. And that’s how your heart breaks and you lose your mind, so don’t drink, don’t go out alone, don’t date casually, don’t do drugs, or drink to medicate a difficulty, stay proactive. Sober time is good time. I think what’s shocking is how many times I’ve been hospitalized and in the recovery process, which doesn’t make sense once you are better and able to have a life and sustain a positive attitude daily, not embarrassed about who you are, or where you come from, or what your story looks like.

Be known for who you are, not what you look like or sound like, it will matter less to anyone contesting who you really are or truly are, with all sincerity, be someone worth loving and caring for, if you cant manage that much, that explains a lot of the hurt that you endure in difficult times. Loneliness, is not always a choice, it’s a good time to get well, get better, work on yourself, and live a fulfilling life, and if you have the time to be social and share then do so, social media didn’t use to be such a competitive atmosphere, but its always a welcomed place to share and send updates on what you are up to and how you are doing, no matter how things look.