There’s a certain look of being content that is expected once you are known, people don’t prefer for you to be serious looking or blank, if you are not someone who bears liveliness and animation, they wonder for what reasons are you absent expression, in what ways are you devoid or being animated and excited about life in front of others, what is keeping you from opening up, or being close with others. I think people take it personally when you don’t open up and don’t have anything to talk about. Therapy has never been easy for me, usually don’t have anything to talk about and difficulty talking, you wont know what talking is for until you get going, then you get used to functioning as a person who talks and who is open, it doesn’t come naturally to people, to open up, and be the same level mood and in control over what is said and how it is said, while keeping in mind where other people are at realization wise, and what is being expected from you, sometimes people are met with lack of empathy expecting that something has already gone wrong, then don’t believe anything that you have to say, when people don’t think that you are well minded, it can be frustrating to be treated as though you don’t make sense. Perhaps that’s punishment for writing quotes and sharing advices about life, maybe that phase of writing wasn’t meaningful enough that I should be convinced that I don’t make sense, or am a person of no depth, or nonsense, whatever the purpose behind establishing mental illness is a person. Half of it is you, and your output, and half of it is what people think of you, and how people react to you. And the majority of it has to do with news, politics, entertainment, music, film, your story, and what relates to you, based on your story certain concepts with build up in the minds of others, expected to be related to you, and whether you see that as permission to inflict disrespect, I don’t think you need to feel anything, or get the sense of anything in life or a hint of anything, to go nuts or be insulted, I think that’s the purpose of treating you as though you are aloof or not apart of, people think you are strong and have been through nothing, they think that what you wonder about life is wrong, they expect that you should see the world as they do, and while they may be compassionate toward everyone else who is further disabled or struggling they may not empathize with you based on your dress, education, face, wellness, or ability to recover, some don’t, so don’t be one of them or one of the reasons that people pray or are sad for those suffering, not to end up one of them. Learn from your lessons in life, you have to keep yourself well no one can do that for you, you will remember a lot of things about life, you don’t have to remember people who hurt you, were insulting, or who say things memorable to be taken in the wrong way, that’s life, people say a lot of things, not all of it will resonate or make sense to you, or be about you in life, what matters most is that you don’t take insult to people who have read your story and then acted unimpressed by you like that wasn’t a challenging feat to build a website get likes and traffic and get a wordpress website going, who knows how to do that, it doesn’t work for everyone, that’s why there aren’t a lot of people on wordpress, and it’s a lesser known network for blogging.

As a reader I understand that it can be underwhelming to read my twitter I never expected for that to be a platform where you get the end result of feeling content like things are explained to you, sometimes more writing is required, life doesn’t always function to see a big picture or a summary, you usually have to get enough information about a subject, to be clear on whats of issue, and then usually they see the rest of what you have written as trash. That’s what people think is rambling, reading without a purpose or reading and thinking that its word that are not arriving to what is the desired solution for reading, which would be to not have a problem with you, or for a problem with you to be clarified, I know no other way to explain my life other than to stay well, being sick is not a choice, it is not my fault, it is not a chosen path, it is not giving up, it is not my upset, they are not my voices, it is not my attitude, it is not my emails, it is not my content, it is not my life, it is not my relationships, it is not my diagnosis, whatever you see that is wrong with me that is not adding up is not my job to get sick and give up or get suicidal or self harm, Im tired of getting voices, or being fought individually, and for that to cause me self harm, those years are behind me (2017) why would I ever want to go back to a place where I am viewed as mentally ill, at what point if my life supposed to be stopped, sped up, or shorten on the basis of who else that is living, should my life be punished or my life mad shorter, in what way does that benefit anyone. Of course that hurts me when I am punished for no reason, who can explain that to anyone, who has ever been sick and punished, as someone who stays home, lives alone, doesn’t go out, and keeps to themselves, no that is not my fault, and no I am never leading a life that should end up that way, who else does that happen to. Nor would I wish for anyone else to be watched or to be consistently sick that they should appear in a way that they would stand out or be arrested or fail in life be rejected from jobs or relationships, that’s not my story, that’s not my life, that’s not how I feel, that’s not how people feel about me. Being alone subjects you to being watched on a level that you get convinced that things are worse than they are, you get convinced that you hear voices, you get convinced of things that if you speak to it people think youre mentally ill, and it is never justified for anything to be said to you if repeated through you would cause anyone to think that you are sick or mentally ill, those are the cornerstones of bad taste left in your mouth, or foul play, something said through you that makes people think you are sick upon disclosure, that’s another being sick towards you, and that’s how sickness is spread, and sickness is also spread by placing you in hospitals with the sick, or punish you and put you in places among the sick, so that you are viewed as sick, and that can shorten your life too and make people think poorly of you, its not justified, its so you don’t exist, its so people blame you for your problems, its to make you appear like you caused a harm that is justified or you don’t have remorse for and is nothing that the police should punish you for getting voices and self harm. And whatever happened in 2017 cannot be proven by 7 years of voices or self-harm, to prove how (2017) happened, with no boyfriend and no pen pal, explain to me at what point should voices occur, by what Im doing wrong, or by what wrong is happening to me, losing possessions, losing harddrives, losing data on my computer, losing school notes, losing computer data, in what way am I ever suffering that anyone should take from me as though Im going in life, I think that’s what people do to people on meds, they treat you like youre done, disabled, sick on purpose, a loser, or its your fault, they think that you are mentally ill by drugs or alcohol, no one who cares about image and can stay well will ever come to recognize or understand how a person gets sick, or what makes people think sick of them, who can explain that about people. What is wrong with you, you wont always know what people think is wrong with you, so don’t be someone who doesn’t realize what life is about or figure out whats wrong on your own, no one can explain life to you, whos banking on what, what everyone is about, what you are about, what is expected, I think people are proud of you, until you cease to be you in life, then who else can you be in life, if you are not the person you were, intelligent, proud of yourself, and left alone.

Written 03/23/23. w/edit about what drinking beer made me look like. Omit the negative description. Lesson learned, if I don’t feel good it’s about image support lost support trust ability disability what I’m doing what I look like sound like where I’m headed or what’s wrong with me. Staying home.