So Im just sad that because of voices and what happened to me none of my relationships are working out, because I don’t feel good, and keep getting sick, and its too heartbreaking to explain, and although I may not be stable in life, its too late to be anywhere else in life and feel good, that much I know, to feel good first in order to have love and be loved, so this will take time, less than 6 months ago I was made to hit my head, after trying to audition on Backstage, you know if you cant be yourself, and people want to see you as something else, then that can happen too, its called giving up and self-harming, and that’s where your beauty goes, its really not about competition and me being feminine is not making fun of women, its allowing me to be a woman, and that mostly occurs with men. So please don’t read into things like it’s a known condition or by eyes alluded to or come to mean something about me or any enjoyment in life, I wasn’t sexual in high school, and didn’t start hooking up until college, so please bear with me in terms of my knowledge as an adult of how you change after sex, and what it means to be an adult, and be heartbroken, and to learn how to be strong to have relationships. I was not made to think about life until I needed therapy and there was something wrong with me. I had to work just as hard to overcome what I sounded like and all the changes that I endured from smart to stupid or how that occurs, or by what photos makes me look stupid and grose, you will never know pride if you constantly paranoid about what others think or think that theyre watching you, that rips your insides out, and literally feels like being incapacitated, that’s how important privacy is, its not a condition where you have some magical energy, when you are observed against your will, that incapacitates you and you lose energy, so trying hard means that things are clear for me and things are going well and Im able to be that way, and if I get sick and give up because of voices then things will not work out for me, and can many months later after not recovering from self-harm then be sued, should I be rejected or not get along with anyone, I don’t think Ive ever had issues over being made fun of or any projected story made about me, disrespectful over what I remembered or reported, I don’t think that’s anti-american, I think that’s American to share what you remember when you are well, and like all people who get hurt, there goes your brain and your memory, and sad that its called schizophrenia, this is why not to tell your doctor what the voices say, because it could be people hacking or bullying you, who want you to say something foul, so that you get mistreated and diagnosed as schizophrenic, the goal in life is to not become something bad, and to not have associations in life, that make you look bad, or cause people to treat you as offender. I am the type of person who is well on my own, and although people are hurtful towards me, I am expected to be forgiving and loving when they are ready to apologize that’s just my life, angry at me in a very strong way, and want to see everything as making fun of me disrespecting me, and then improving, and then everyone over something, and ready to get along, I don’t understand what the purpose is. Im not controlling, so whatever the issue is, not to constantly change or punish me, for solution, to know that Im in the solution, I work hard, I work from home, I keep to myself, I don’t bother people, I don’t socialize, I don’t look at people, and I don’t ever think that people know me, and Im never confronting life as though I don’t belong or there is some system of code condemning me. Whatever the system is for famous in America will stand and stand for good reason, so please don’t expect me as someone unpaid to bear the responsibility of making everyone feel good, and be punished as though anyone connected to me is made to feel bad, or accuse me of being stupid embarrassing. I think meds make you stupid and if you cant work you write, and if you sound stupid you get punished, and if you reject anyone you get punished, and if you complain you get punished, and you seem confrontational or condescending you get punished, if you rehash a subject you get punished, if you cant fix a problem you get punished, if you sound like you make others look bad you get punished, if you don’t protect and defend people you get punished, if you don’t stay well or sound sad or mentally ill you get punished, if you cant be loving or not ready yet you get punished, if you are not the same and not better or stronger you get punished, and if you are trusting and maintain peace with someone threatening you you get punished and treated like those emails are a product of something you did to a person. I don’t wrong people, I am myself, I don’t know what the conditions or causes are for being loving or thinking and being serious, for being tired, or hearing voices, to struggle, or to feel stable, to be confident or to have problems, to try hard and fix myself and be made fun of, to talk to courts and then be mistreated you know no condition will make sense questioned, and its not me giving up its me not doing things in public to show I care if its misunderstood to mean that I am less than or uninfluential or not deserving, then I don’t have to protest, write in public, write at court, or talk to Todd, and that’s not being peaceful anywhere else, and trying to be peaceful at home, and that’s how many times you get changed and punished and threatened to see if youre stupid.

04-02-23